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Moving in - Possibly Flameful
F and I have decided to move in together in April after 9 months of dating. We have been talking about this as a possibility for a couple of months, and recently decided to go ahead with it. He will move into my house and start paying me rent. His daughter will have a room here and his XW is on board.
I talked to several friends about it during the last couple of months to go over the pros and cons. I thought everyone would think I was crazy, but interestingly, every single one of my friends was totally supportive and saw absolutely nothing wrong with the timeframe. I don't make decisions just based off of what my friends say, but they are a pretty conservative bunch, so their support makes me feel comfortable that I'm not completely nuts.
Re: Moving in - Possibly Flameful
You seem happy with your decision, but I think it is way too fast. 9 months? And you guys have been discussing it for a few months already? And he has a kid? Yeah... too fast.
It does seem fast since he has a child. Do you see yourself marrying this man?
I know when my mom was a single parent I was happy to not have to deal with her boyfriends on a regular basis. But I was older too so that may have had an impact, lol! I
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DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I moved in with my boyfriend after 6 months of long distance dating and the people on this board were very critical, understandably so. But...we had lived in the same city a few years before that and had dated then for a little while, were friends for 3 years after that, then started dating again (I just wasn't ready for a serious relationship the first time we dated, too soon after my divorce). It ended up working out wonderful. We're even more in love than we were 8 months ago when I moved here, and are now engaged. My point (as was my point then) is that you really can't put a timeline on this stuff...you could wait 2 years, then move in with him and it still not work out. I'm not a proponent of moving in after a month, but my parents met and got married within 6 months and have been married (and happy) for 36 years.
I would trust the opinions of your friends and family more than the opinions on this board, since they know the both of you and your relationship. BUT...if there are any of them expressing concerns, I would really try and hear them out.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think the age of the child and how much you have custody are HUGE factors in this decision.
D and I have talked about living together in the future, maybe around the 1.5 year mark. We're talking about it now because he has three kids - 18, 15 and 12. The oldest will be at college and the two girls don't live with him... but we are still taking it WAY slow and chatting now about any problems that should be addressed. He's also been incredible about fostering a good relationship between all of us, but it's still a huge decision that should not be taken lightly.
What's the rush?
I guess I'm going to buck the trend.
I know nothing about your situation, but I'm only going to assume that you meant that the ex-W has main custody and he only has regular visitation, and that she'll have a dedicated room of her own when she visits? That's what I'm basing my answer on.
I think that if you guys have talked about it extensively and have a good/great relationship, I don't see a problem with it. Again, details like how old she is, how old you and your BF are, how often she sees him, how often she spends time with YOU, how long he and her mother were apart before he met you, and how she feels about you as her dad's GF, all come into play as well, as far as how good of a decision this is, but if all that's above board, then I see nothing wrong with it.
Good luck and keep us posted!
9 months with no kid = go for it.
9 months with a kid = too soon. I have a 5 year old son. I do live with bf. We moved in together at about 15 months. We started talking about it around the year mark. My ds was a huge consideration in the timing of it all.
The other question is, do you plan on getting married? If not, don't move in with a guy who has a kid. It is horrible for the kid to have to go through that break up again. Have you two talked about that? We aren't engaged yet, but I told bf I wouldn't move in if that weren't the plan. We had to have some hard and honest conversations about that. But I had to protect the best interest of my son and his mental well being. That should be your bf's priority here, too.
I am going to attempt to answer all questions in this post:
His daughter is 2.5, they separated before her first birthday so she has never known them to be together. She likes me. Her mother (his XW) likes me and has no problem with the situation.
We are both 30.
He has his daughter every other weekend with some additional days here and there.
We have discussed marriage. We see ourselves together long term.
As far as the rent thing. He is going to pay me rent because I own my home so it's not like we're going to be renting a place together. He is paying me a set amount that will cover basically half of the living expenses.
Have you guys talked at all about what your role will be with his DD? How about discipline?
I stand by, it's always super fun and easy dating someone with a kid, it's an entirely different situation when you are co-parenting. If you don't believe me, go talk to some of the wonderful women on the blended families board on the Bump.
We have talked about what role I'll play with disciplining and all three of us agree (F, his XW and me).
I have lurked on the blended families board, and I definitely understand that it is not going to be a walk in the park. I also spoke a lot to one of my aunts who married a man with a two-year old son, and we talked a lot about the challenges. She made me think about a lot of things, and gave me some good questions to ask. I am feeling positive about it at this point because his XW and I get along, and they have both repeatedly stated that they are committed to co-parenting.
why the rush?
if there was not a child involved it wouldnt matter, but you are involving a young child and this could have a bad outcome for her,
As someone whose mother had various boyfriends move in to our home, it is TOO SOON. Unless you are at the point of seriously talking about marriage. The kid liking you in one thing, living with you and coparenting this child is something different. If you break up, it's a breakup for the child as well. My brother moved in with his girlfriend who had a child pretty quickly as well, and they broke up and got back together so many times, and honestly, his dedication to the kid, not the girl, is what kept him around. There is NO WAY they would be married today if it wasn't for the kiddo. They are married, and had a baby, but there are a lot of issues.
There is NO RUSH to move in together. If it was just you and him, it's all good. But 9 months?
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