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*kaesha*
So I was going to send you a PM, but then I figured since you shared with the group, so could I. Plus, maybe someone else would read this and feel better. I don't know.
The past year or so has been a complete struggle for me. It started with getting blessed with morning sickness for a good portion of my pregnancy, including all day/night sickness. Then I got really sick towards the end of my pregnancy. All the while, I had the same fears as you. Granted, DH and I are more home bodies than most, but the thought of actually having to entertain someone all the time made me exhausted just thinking about it. I got more antsy than excited as the day drew near. I never thought I'd end up in the hospital with a life threatening condition with my due date still 6 weeks away.
With all that being said, when I finally got to see Jackson for the first time, my heart melted. I cried, because he was finally here, because I wasn't on monitors and oxygen, etc, anymore, and because I knew that DH was so happy we were both okay. To be honest, I think I was happier to see that I finally gave DH the baby I knew he wanted than to actually be happy I had a baby myself.
I will be perfectly honest here, I did not like my child and regretted having him for probably a good 5 months or so of his life. I'm not proud of it, but every time he cried or woke me up, I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. Looking back, I totally missed out on every moment that I should have cherished. He is the light of my life right now, and it took a major tragedy of another mother for me to realize just how much I felt like a momma bear protecting her cub. There's just something about having another person relying on you.
What you're feeling is totally normal. I think a lot of moms put on an act that it wonderful time, when in reality, they're just as scared inside. It will help you tremendously to find some realistic friends, especially moms, to get you through this. The first time a friend told me about how she had to leave her daughter in her crib crying for 10 minutes while she screamed in the shower for a minute made me feel better. It's not all unicorns and rainbows. I'd be lying if I didn't say it was hard, but those first giggles or watching him reach out to you is the most amazing feeling ever. You will always find a way to make it work, and you will love that baby more than you ever thought imaginable.
Re: *kaesha*
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snoopy, thank you for posting that. I felt and am still going through some of these feelings among other things. I know a few ladies on here talked about the distance between themselves and the hubs after baby got here too and it's helped a ton to know that we aren't the only one going through these things and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I know sometimes I don't post things because I'm afraid to post what I'm honestly feeling and it's nice to have reassurance that I can come here, be honest and get the support I'm looking for.
Like kaesha posted a few days ago, I am so thankful for this group of ladies. It's amazing how close I feel to ladies that I've never met in person. Sometimes I feel a better bond and more friendship here than I do in everyday, face to face relationships. So long story short, thank you!