Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Would it bother you if your DH did this?
I found out DH has been smoking behind my back.
Just to give some history...We were both smokers when we met, I quit about 6 years ago, he's smoked on and off, trying to quit for a long time. This past time he quit for about a year...I found a lighter in his pants pockets while doing laundry, asked him about it, and he confessed that he's been smoking for the past couple of months.
WDYT? I try to not let it bug me too much, it's his body etc. etc. but I find it's been nagging at me. Plus, since I've found out, he now thinks it's OK to go out on the deck and stuff and have one periodically at home...when he was hiding it from me he obviously never smoked while at home.
Re: Would it bother you if your DH did this?
The "behind my back" part is what would bother me.
Let me ask you this:
Why did he quit smoking? Was it a choice he made 100% on his own, or is it something you pressured him to do? And how do you feel about his smoking in general?
I do NOT want to excuse the lying.... but smoking is an addiction and as most of us know, a person won't quit an addiction until they are fully ready to do so.
If he felt pressured to quit, if he felt like you'd be pissed, while it doesn't excuse the lying, it explains it to a point.
My DH and I are trying to build in work out time (we're both BAD at it). he's been much better about it than I. And when he asks me "did you work out?" and I haven't... I feel guilty/bad when I say "no". My DH isn't judging me, he's just asking to ask and to be encouraging, and I STILL feel guilty saying 'no'.
And this is far from an addiction!
Again, not absolving the lying, but when it comes to lying about an addiction, it's not black and white in my opinion. You've got to deal w/ a few facets of the issue.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Each time he has quit, it has been his choice. He does know that I don't like it, but I've never tried to push the subject. In general, I do not like him smoking. Especially since having our DD, as she has severe asthma (even though he doesn't smoke in the house). More than anything, what bugs me is the lying.
Or...as he says it, he didn't lie, he just didn't tell me.
I used to be a smoker. My XH hated it and would guilt trip me about it, so eventually I just did it when he wasn't around.
I know I'm supposed to feel bad about that, but I don't.
He'd find out after a couple of months, I'd get my patronizing little talking-to, and then I'd smoke openly again. Occasionally I'd try to quit, but when I went back to it, I felt like a weak-willed arsehole, and I didn't want to admit defeat, so the cycle repeated.
FWIW, I quit when I was ready. I've been smoke-free for 5 years now.
Hmm this is hard for me.
I have an addictive personality and only smoked for a short time and still found it REALLY hard to quit.
That said, I would never date or marry a smoker.
I don't know if that's fair or makes sense or whatever. I just couldn't be around it all the time.
In this case, the sneaking around/hiding/lying bugs me more than the actual act of smoking. So in answer to your original question...yes, it would bother me.
No, wouldn't bother me. DH was using chewing tobacco behind my back, until he confessed (guilty conscience). I was surprised he was able to keep it from me, but I know how hard it is to quit nicotine.
Eta: and there's some embarrassment when you start up again. I'd cut him some slack. He probably feels like he failed, and with you successfully quitting it probably makes it worse.
Yes it would bother me. I don't like being lied to.
I've never smoked and hate the smell of cigarettes.
I totally busted DH just before Xmas. I dropped him off at the laundromat, then realized I had to ask him something, so I went around the block and he was walking past the store he said he was going to go to with a cigarette. He wouldn't tell me where he was going so I knew he was going to buy me a present, which put a damper on my interrogation technique.
When I lapse, I do it openly. Like, I announce, "I'm drunk and I'm going to steal a cigarette from (insert friend's name here)." Then I do.
Anyway, even if he's smoking at work, I know he isn't from the time he gets home until the time he leaves, so I let it go.
So funny that you asked that today of all days. Just last night I had a nightmare that my H had started smoking (he doesn't; his mother does and I hatehatehate it!) and I woke up still totally pissed off and angry. Even with the logic of day and wakefulness. He's never smoked and never would, thankfully.
Yes, it would bother me and would probably be a deal-breaker, between the lying and the utter and complete disrespect for his health and body, and our future together.
From someone that has struggled to quit many times, this is it in a nutshell. There is humiliation and a sense of failure when you start back up again. If I were him, I probably wouldn't say a word either, non-smokers are so judgemental of smokers. And this is coming from someone that now considers herself a non-smoker. However the last time I quit, I didn't tell a soul, for this reason.
That said, how didn't you smell it on him?