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Vent about ex
Ok, those of you who have been around a while know the back story with my ex. He is a cheating liar who lies and now lives with the girl (and I say girl because she is super young compared to him) he cheated on me with. I attempted to put all that aside when he asked for a divorce and tried to keep the best interests of my son. Part of that includes doing these fabulous Monday night dinners with the three of us (ds, ex and me) so we can talk about school stuff, extra curriculars, etc. We've been doing these weekly dinners for 2.5 years now. Also, even though I have ds 75% of the time, he pays me no CS and only pays 20% of the child care bill. We agreed to each pay half of ds' activities. The only reason I agreed to this at the time was because I know what ex makes and it was the only way I could ensure that ds would have his own bedroom at his dad's house and that his dad would be able to afford an apartment in a safe neighborhood. All that to say, we choose not to fight about things and just go with it.
But, lately he is so freakin' whiny about money. His salary hasn't increased, which is a ***, but that's true for a lot of people. And his gf moved in last year, so that cut his living expenses in half (in theory). I told him I want to put ds in swimming lessons again before the summer starts. He said he could only afford one activity at a time and ds is currently in t-ball. When I reminded him that I paid in full for t-ball back in November and already bought all ds' t-ball gear, and that he doesn't need to worry about that, he got all flustered and said fine, he'd pay half of swimming since we live at the beach and it is a safety thing here.
We are both supposed to put a set amount in a shared savings account for ds each month and he hasn't done that in months.
His employer just changed his pay schedule and he asked me if he could give me his 20% of the childcare mid-month when he gets his second check. I told him yes, but not a day later, because even though his pay schedule changes, I still need to pay for childcare on the first of each month regardless. He got mad at that.
This is also the time of year when you have to enroll school-aged kids in summer camps before the good ones are full. So I told him what our options are and he agreed on some and then I went about enrolling ds in those camps. He get frustrated that we have to pay for summer camp now. I told him I already paid for it and he could pay me in the month that he goes like he normally would. That made him more frustrated.
WTF is his deal?
Re: Vent about ex
It's actually all in writing, and we follow it to the letter. It was written this way in our divorce decree.
Can you guys go back to court to modify things? It just sounds to me like he's playing the "poor me" roll and we both know he doesn't tell the truth very well. I'd be willing to bet he can afford more than he says.
Threaten to take him back to court. No CS and only 20% of childcare is letting him off easy, he can at least pay for swimming!
The fact is, his girlfriend likes to shop, and that is taking priority over your son. Also,they are probably planning a Caribbean vacation. Even if the gf is making less than ex is, he should be supporting your son before he supports his gf.
That's the hard part. This is one thing I know he isn't lying about for a few reasons:
1. He works for a public university and his salary is public record, so I know it hasn't changed because I looked it up.
2. I know what he pays in rent because I was there when he signed the lease helping get ds' stuff in.
3. I still get collections calls for him on my phone, so I know he is totally over extended.
I know ... I know ... I totally sound like one of the girls that makes every excuse in the book. And quite frankly I'm just lazy about it. If we were to go to court he'd owe me about 4x what he actually gives me per our current agreement. However, I don't need the money. I am doing just fine financially and can afford all this stuff on my own. It's more the principal of the thing that I am venting about. Like, does he not get that he is getting off cheap and me asking him to pay $40 a month for half of swimming lessons compared to the $400 in cs he'd owe me if we went the more traditional route is nothing? He really just should keep his gripes about $40 freakin' dollars to himself because he sounds like a whiny baby! KWIM?
He did agree to pay for swimming. It's the huffing and puffing about it that drives me batty.
And your shopping comment totally made me laugh. Simply because the girl dresses like a ragamuffin ... if she's spending that much $ on clothes, she's shopping at the wrong places! LOL! And I am pretty sure that gf is the one who paid for his half of our dog's recent trip to the vet, because he whined about that one, too (and then she offered to pay).
The fact that he lives beyond his means is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Your problam is making sure he takes care of his son.
$40 is eating lunch that he packed at home 2 weeks out of the month vs. getting food at the cafeteria. $40 is ording pizza instead of going out for dinner (for 2). $40 is a mani-pedi with your nails frenched instead of plain. I'm sure your husband and his gf enjoy all of these things and don't feel too bad about them.
The bold in addition to what you have posted sounds like he is whining because he thinks if he whines enought you'll end up paying for all of it and he won't have to pay for any of it.
You cant complain about him and then come up with all the excuses as to why he is right.
Why is he not paying any CS?
I think you're too nice to him. If I were you, I'd go for standard child support if it meant more money in your pocket. It could be automatically deducted from his paycheck and deposited into your account, and there'd be no more arguing over getting him to help you to pay for things. Problem solved.
I took every penny I could get from DD's dad, and I know he's struggling financially because of it (he's in the process of trying to file for bankruptcy a second time). I don't give a flying fu$k about it either. You know why? Because our DD is his responsibility too, and in the end I'm still paying a hell of a lot more to raise her than he is...I barely get anything from him.
Bottom line, you're being too nice to him.
It was a strategic move that my lawyer suggested. I make more than double what he makes, so I'd owe him a nice chunk of change in alimony. However, I have ds 75% of the time, so he'd owe me child support. We ran the numbers in the calculators for alimony and child support in our state and what I'd owe him in alimony was almost the exact same amount as what he'd owe me in child support. Once a party waives alimony, they can never ask for it again in my state. But, you can revisit child support annually. So, I asked him to waive his right to alimony and give me primary custody of ds (he initially wanted 50/50), and in exchange we'd have the papers written up that we are both financially responsible for costs associated with ds when we have him, we each put a set amount into a savings for him monthly, and each pay half of agreed upon extracurriculars. That is why he pays 20% of child care -- he has him 20% of the school week. It's the whining about every extracurricular that drives me nuts.
Take him back to court and get child support (as long as it'll be equal to or more than what you're getting now). Payments are automatic and you won't have to deal with any more whining.