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update: had counseling session the other day
So from my post last week about not being happy in my marriage, I went to individual counseling the other day and was talking about my marriage and how I was really struggling with deciding to divorce, or separate, or stay and how I just know I am not happy in my marriage.
During the session we were talking about goals of counseling and she said that the goal of the sessions isn't really about trying to figure out what I want with marriage/divorce as much as that I need to work on myself and that I work so hard to make others happy that I'm not allowing myself to be happy and that it's taken a toll on me (not just in my marriage but also with other areas of my life). So I was kind of taken back by that because I really wanted to use counseling to figure out what to do with me and DH. But I guess that makes sense, that I have been trying so hard at making those around me happy for so long that I need to work on me and from there, that will help me to make a decision about my marriage (as well as help in other areas of my life as well). I haven't told DH that I started counseling. He mentioned that I should go when had an argument about a month ago (the first and only time I've ever verbalized that I was not happy to him). The counselor also said, so, what if you stop pretending to be happy and stop trying to make DH happy and are just honest about your feelings and thoughts. To which I responded, I think we'd be divorced by now.
Re: update: had counseling session the other day
This is my experience as well. I went after a bad breakup trying to figure out how I could put the pieces together in my relationship again and realized - ohshit I have a bunch of stuff I need to work on for myself. And then my life started coming together.
I actually told my therapist that I just want her to tell me what to do and when to do it, but I do know that is not realistic. My treatment plan is mostly about getting to know myself again, as I feel like I have strayed so far from who I really am that I am totally not in touch with my emotions or who I am at all. My therapist also asked me if I was the kind of person who cares more about how other people feel than how I feel, which was a spot-on assessment.
It's a LONG process, and there is no right timeline to deciding what you want to do. I am in counseling to work toward leaving a spouse that cheated on me, which is a clear and concise dealbreaker for me, but I have also been unhappy in my marriage for a long time. It SEEMS like leaving should be easy because who would want to stay in a marriage that made him or her unhappy every day? In reality, though, it is harder than that. Seeing someone for counseling is an AWESOME first step, and I am happy that you took it. Although it may take some time, you will know what you want to do in the end.
Good for you, Mirror. It sounds like you are on a good path. Stick with it.
Along the lines of what PPs have said, I think learning more about yourself will help you to pinpoint exactly what makes you unhappy in your relationships.