Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
lack of intimacy....
For those who have had TIP, was it due to you having a lack of intimacy (or maybe not necessarily only due to only that, but that intimacy was an issue)? It's hard when advice that I receive is that to help get things happy in my marriage, I just need to work harder at being intimate with my DH. But my very first thought is that I would be fine to never be intimate again with DH, including to never kiss him. 
. I know...this could be a post for S&R, but just thought I'd post here first. I just wasn't sure how I could even try to work toward that when I have zero interest in wanting it from him. For example, we go 4-8 weeks in between having sex (he wants it more, I just turn him down and then at some point I give in cuz I feel bad for him, not that I want it). DH can make me O, but there is no part of me that wants to be passionate with him, initiate, and even after sex (even if I do O), I just feel very, hmm, can't think of the word to use, but it's not a good feeling. And it isn't that I am turned off in general (my counselor asked that...wondering if it was a medical issue), and no, I still take measures into my own hands, but just am turned off of DH. Has anyone else worked through this? I'm not sure if I do...I just don't know how to even begin with that.
. I know...this could be a post for S&R, but just thought I'd post here first. I just wasn't sure how I could even try to work toward that when I have zero interest in wanting it from him. For example, we go 4-8 weeks in between having sex (he wants it more, I just turn him down and then at some point I give in cuz I feel bad for him, not that I want it). DH can make me O, but there is no part of me that wants to be passionate with him, initiate, and even after sex (even if I do O), I just feel very, hmm, can't think of the word to use, but it's not a good feeling. And it isn't that I am turned off in general (my counselor asked that...wondering if it was a medical issue), and no, I still take measures into my own hands, but just am turned off of DH. Has anyone else worked through this? I'm not sure if I do...I just don't know how to even begin with that.
Re: lack of intimacy....
Are you attracted to him? Do you have other issues in your relationship that are making you not want to be intimate with him?
If it's just a matter of not wanting to have sex, I think that (as un-sexy as it sounds), a "schedule" of sorts can help you rebuild your desire and get out of a rut. But if you have other issues that are making you not want to have sex, then you need to address those but we can't really give you advice unless we know more details about what those issues are.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
Exactly what do you think happened here?
When did the disconnect with sex with him begin? What was your sex life with him like before you got married? Before you were engaged or lived together?
Much more backstory about you and your H and your sex life before you felt this way began.
We need more backstory, if you don't mind. You'll get better advice this way.
This could suffice for back story -- from December:
I set up a new account so I didn't have to worry about anyone from other boards knowing my 'dirt'....
DH and I have known each other 14 years, been together about 13 of those years (married 7 years). We have 2 kids together under the age of 5. I've realized that I have been unhappy most of my marriage, not really realizing how unhappy I have been until the last year or two. At this point I'm basically staying because of our children. I have realized that while I still love my husband for so many reasons, including being the father of my amazing kids, I'm not in love with him and there are things that I'm not happy about in our marriage. I don't want to be intimate with him, I have no desire to kiss him/have sex/cuddle. For the longest time I thought that I could just stay married and make it work, but DH has said a few times in the past year that he doesn't understand why I won't initiate anything, that I seem to pull away from him, etc. So, clearly I haven't been hiding it as well as I thought. I'd say sex is about once every 6-8 weeks, maybe at minimum of 4 weeks and it's him initiating. ...maybe this is just a rut that marriages go through? But looking back, I really haven't wanted to be intimate with him for several years.
We don't fight in front of the kids and don't really fight often, I just keep my unhappiness to myself. We talked about a month ago because we ended up having a disagreement, and I said I wasn't happy (just said as a general statement) and he said that me and the kids were his world and that we can't get a divorce and that he loves our family of four and what would that do the to kids...etc (I never said I wanted a divorce...I thought it to myself but then after he said that, I just bottled up because he was really taking it hard that I said I wasn't happy. I didn't take anything back that I said, he just went to bed by himself after crying for awhile and I stayed up and watched tv).
He's been gone on a trip with some friends for a few days and he'll send me texts and say that he misses me and the kids and he wishes he could be home with us. And I feel terrible because I don't miss him and think it's actually nice to be home without him and feeling like I have to pretend around him. I'm guessing that at 5 days of being apart from your spouse, one would normally be missing him/her? It sounds like such a dumb question to even say out loud, I know...I kind of joked about it at work today and a few co-workers said that it would be a vacation for them if their DH was gone for several days...but I didn't want to ask if they seriously wouldn't miss them or if they were just kind of kidding.
I made an appointment to go see a marriage counselor, just for individual counseling at this point. DH and I saw a counselor several years ago but I ended up becoming upset about it. We went through a few months. DH told me that he basically was telling the counselor things that he felt she wanted to hear. And if they had us do couples 'homework' it was more so a discussion after the session about how he didn't think we needed to do it or that it was dumb and that we discussed it on the way to the next session, but not anything we really worked on/discussed aside from that.
With him being gone it's just given me time to think about all of this. When I look at it all, I know that it's not only me not being happy, but that he deserves to be with someone who can show him all the love and intimacy a marriage should have. But right now, based on the few conversations we've had in the last year, he says that there isn't anyone else that could make him happy....which breaks my heart. But really, I know I'm not giving him the love and intimacy he deserves. And my kids are my first priority in life and I'd stay together if that would be best for the kids, which is what I have been doing. But now I just have been wondering if really the kids would be better to grow up in homes where they see both parents happy. And if I stay with DH for the next 18 years just to stay with Dh until the kids are out of school, then does that hurt them worse that they then wonder if everything was just a lie (which, I guess on my part, it pretty much would be if I genuinely wasn't happy).
I don't look forward to having date nights with DH, I don't look forward to any vacations just with him, I don't look forward to growing old with him...but yet it breaks my heart to know that I'm breaking up my family and that he feels so happy in our marriage
So, obviously there is more to all of this than I've posted here, but there is my first official post of putting out on TIP. And I know it sounds stupid and no, I'm not trolling this, but is it normal to not miss my husband at all after being gone for 5 days? It is normal to say I would be perfectly fine not kissing him for the rest of my life? Is this just a rut that seems normal to others? Maybe I'm just over analyzing things, but I really don't think that is the case.
Maybe you and he have simply grown apart or the relationship ran its course.
It happens.
He won't cooperate fully with a counselor but once you said you weren't happy, he cried for awhile? Does he or doesn't he want to work on your marriage with you? Sounds like passive aggressiveness on his part.
Let me ask you this:
What do YOU want?
Thanks for posting that post, hopefully that will help with some background, I should have put a link. He doesn't want a divorce, he thinks things are good...basically because I've been pretending for the longest time about things.
I think in the last few months I've started to realize how unhappy I am and a year ago when I knew I wasn't happy, a divorce scared the crap outta me and even though I was unhappy, divorce was an idea but not something I would have done. But now, in the last month or so, while it still is a scary thought, I think it seems a bit less terrifying as a year ago...and that I feel like it would be what makes me happy. But, I guess I just don't want to join the statistics, worry about my kids, worry about what others will think and so part of me wonders if I can still try to make something work. So, since that is something that I can see as being a dealbreaker at some point for him since he doesn't seem to realize how unhappy am (either he has to be okay with me never wanting it or I have to figure out how to make be okay with sex with him when I don't ever want it), I'm trying to figure out if this is something to work on/just curious how it has worked for others.
Sorry, didn't put the link to my previous post (the post is now above). No, in all honesty, I'm not attracted to him anymore. I guess I've just been pretending to be happy for a long time so that he was happy and now it's gotten to a point where I'm really not happy but he hasn't seen any of that because I've been good at hiding it, up until recently when he has started to realize I am pulling away when he tries to kiss me. I wasn't purposefully doing it for him to notice, so it's become apparent to me that now I guess I'm not hiding things as well as I once was.
Sure thing...I guess I don't know what happened, to be honest. We dated for quite a long time and sex was completely fine then. We lived together after college. I'd say probably about when we were engaged sex started to change and even at the beginning of our marriage I would say looking back I wasn't connecting really with him. I think things started to change for me when he completely changed from being a guy that like to go hang out at bars/friends/just being social to then hating the bar scene and going out. No, not that we needed to go be bar flies but when you are in your 20s and don't have kids, its fun to go be social with friends....this was all about the time when we got engaged, there started to be a change of him just becoming more lazy and less social with others. He doesn't have any issues with depression, that wasn't the problem. He just said that he 'grew up' and didn't need to go out as often. I'd say looking back that was probably all about the same time when I wasn't enjoying sex and I just thought maybe it was just more to do with wedding plans and it would get better....but unfortunately it's been downhill since.
As far as working on it, I think that if you decided to work on the marriage, then absolutely intimacy would be something you should work on too. If you ignore that part and did somehow manage to fix the things that make you unhappy, you say your H would be unhappy and then you'll just be where you are now. Intimacy isn't everything in a marriage, obviously, but it's still important. Not even necessarily sex, but just the desire to share things, kiss, hold hands, etc. Do you think it's possible that your unhappiness in the marriage is causing the lack of intimacy? The way you've written, it sounds like you don't think you will ever want sex with him. Do you think if you were happy, you still wouldn't want to have sex with him?
I think one of the most important factor in fixing any relationship is both people in the relationship wanting to fix it. Do you want to fix it? Because TBH, it sounds like you are pretty much checked out of the marriage at this point. If you look at the reasons you listed for staying: None of them are about your relationship or your husband. It's not that he is a good man or you think there are good things about the marriage that can be salvaged still. It's all about external concerns. I think that says a lot.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
I think that is a big question for me...is the unhappiness due to lack of intimacy and therefore by working on intimacy, I could bring back the happiness....or are they two different things and even if I work on the other issues of being unhappy, that my lack of desire for him would still be there. If I wanted to be really honest, I almost think that no, even if everything else were great, I still wouldn't want to kiss him, hold his hand, have sex, etc.
I think DH is a good guy, granted there are issues that have made me unhappy, he and I have terrible communication skills with one another, he's terrible with money, we are polar opposites with many things.... but all in all...he's not a terrible guy, not at all. We are just very different people. But despite me saying he's a great guy, there are still things that just leave me feeling like I'm not fulfilled, and that I also know I'm not giving him what he deserves. You are absolutely right, I think in the last few months, I've started to check out. Work has been absolutely chaos since last fall and I put my time and energy into work and my kids and feel like he is just a weight that pulls me down. And you're also right in that it is external factors keeping me in the marriage right now.
As a child that came from a house where Dad stayed and had affairs and Mom begged him to stay, so he did until I was 20... it isn't worth it. I wish my parents had been happy; whether that had to be apart or together. And from that house, I can also tell you that their communication sucked and my father never truly wanted to work on any part of the marriage and my mom just let him.
So, take my advice with a grain of salt... I'd tell you that I know that a lot of attraction to your partner has to do with more than just looks and more than just you've been together awhile. I know that intimacy is more than sex. Intimacy is being able to strip down to that part deep inside of you and share your thoughts and feelings and accept those parts of one another. I think that in order to have intimacy in the bedroom, you have to connect on all the other levels. And honestly, I think you owe it to your kids that before you totally give up and just throw it up to the fact that you are opposites. I think you sit your hubby down and tell him where things are heading in your mind and tell him that he needs to go to counseling with you and really do the work or else you have no choice. You need to tell him that if he loves you so much and he loves his family so much he HAS to do this. You have to nurture intimacy and it sounds as if he has no idea how to and you've completely checked out. And if through counseling you both determine that it would continue to lead you to be unhappy, then at least you've worked on yourself and at least you can then transition with the therapist on how to co-parent.
Just my two cents.