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intro
Hi all,
This is an AE because I am a semi regular on other boards here, but I do not really know where to go right now and just need to get this out. Thanks so much for reading.
On Wednesday evening I found an e-mail from H to another woman. He loves her like he never realized he didn't love me, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.
This was after a week of him telling me he wasn't in love with me bc we had grown apart, but still loved me and we were talking about counseling. I had been asking him if there was an affair and he denied it several times.
Meanwhile, I had also been asking him for months what was wrong, why he was short with me and seemed mad at me, what I could do to help. He said everything was fine, he wasn't mad, etc. He continued using our pet name, helped out around the house, brought me flowers and cooked me dinner on v-day, told me he loved me.
He says I lead him to the affair because I didn't go out with him enough (I let him go out all the time w his friends, several times a week wo complaint), I dressed too old for my age and I let the marriage go. Why he didn't tell me these things for the last two years I do not know (apparently he hasn't been in love w me for a while). Telling me he didn't my hair shorter (I have chin length hair) wasn't really leading me to think he was so unhappy but that's what he said, he did tell me things like that and I ignored him so he gave up, decided the marriage was over and then had the affair. She knew he was married and did it anyway.
While he was out, I was working a second job and trying to save for our future bc I knew he didnt like his job so one day I hoped to make enough for him to quit.
I don't want this, I was happy, I told him that and that I would try to make it work and he said he needs to try with her, that he doesn't deserve me and he will regret it forever if he doesn't try with her. He keeps saying he misses me as a friend and loves me, but had to try w. her bc he never felt that way about me.
So how do I move forward? I started reading survivinginfidelity.com and what he is doing seems so textbook but I just cannot believe this was my H. My life. Thank God we do not have children, but we will lose our house and I cannot even comprehend it.
Thanks again for listening.
Re: intro
WOW! First of all I am sooooo very sorry you are finding yourself in this situation. This is awful and I'm sorry he didn't communicate with you that he was unhappy and that he wanted things to change. I don't understand why partners do this, communicate what is wrong and give your spouse the chance to make some changes before you decide to have a affair and leave.
You do not deserve this, he does not deserve you. I'm sure you are probably devastated at this moment, but it will get better.
I found myself in a similar situation and I am very sorry you are having to deal with this.
If you have a close friend you can talk to, I would, you will need the support of someone who loves and cares for you.
This board is SUPER supportive! Stick around.
I seriously feel like I wrote this exact post 4 yrs ago. Same story. I used to let him go out with his friends, he never gave any complaints about the marriage, and then one day he came home and said he wanted "time". We were working things out and then BAM-I found out he was cheating (after he denied it a million times).
So, I know how you feel right now. You feel like you are in a dream world and you are not quite sure what is real. I am so sorry for you. If you are anything like I was, you are too embarrassed to tell anyone or talk to anyone close about it. I hope this isn't the case but that was how I felt. SI.com is a good website. And being here helps too. Just take it a day at a time. I PROMISE that it gets better. I am 4 yrs out of my marriage and I have never been happier.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat privately.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
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((hugs))
Im so sorry you are going through this.
I'm so sorry that you're finding yourself in this awful position. Almost exactly a year ago my situation was very similar. I had to go out of town for one night (Fri) for work and exh cheated that night. The next night (Sat) I was back in town and he didn't come home. He lied and said he was in jail for public intoxication. When he got home sunday morning he seemed WAY too nice. It made me uncomfortable how nice he was being. Later he started a random fight and stormed out and didn't come again that night (Sunday). It was monday that he told me he needed some "time". He had his new gf moved in before I even had my stuff moved out. I can tell you that a year later I cant even believe that it happened. It seems like a dream or another life. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. I promise you that. Hugs!
Thanks to you and to everyone. I do have a therapy appointment for Tuesday, I cannot wait for it because I feel like I am suffocating.
I do logically know I need to move forward and deserve more. Yesterday my dad confided that no one in the family really liked him and that they did not want me to marry him but they were afraid to lose me so they stopped saying much about it. (they had said they thought I could do better and that he had many unresolved issues from growing up)
Big Sigh. Guess now I can chase my law school dream at least, even if it isn't great in this economy. I had stopped that because I wanted to stay where he was.
Ouch, this really got to hurt. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Please don't believe his lies regarding his reasons of you letting him go out with his friends often, the way you dress and how you wear your hair was the cause of him falling out of love with you. It sounds like he is shifting the blame on you to make himself feel better. If he had loved you, he would have paid more attention to you.
Weekly therapy on the aim of having a better quality of life for myself has done wonders for helping me through this awful transition. That would be my suggestion and hanging out with really supportive friends and family.
You deserve better than what your H is.
YES! This!
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
All of this....I remember a day when I was begging him to choose me...and then it hit me, the man that is supposed to be with me won't need convincing, he will always, above all else, choose me.
This sucks but it does get better with time. I also recommend checking out survivinginfidelity.com. It helped me tremendously!
Hang in there!
First I am sorry you are going through this. I was also left by a cheating spouse. That was two and a half years ago and I am so much happier now. It certainly took time, but you will get there!
As for starting law school, I actually started my MBA within a year of ex leaving. I have two more semesters and I am done! I say totally go for it!
Honestly, sounds like you just got your chance at a happier life! Grab it and run, fast and far away lol
There are some similarities with my story. Except my XH didn't cheat as far as I know.
He sounds like a dbag honestly. Unless you held him at gunpoint and forced him to cheat, you're in no way responsible. He's trying to find an excuse because he feels guilty. Be strong, take your time to heal and a much happier life is at the end. Just be patient, it's there.