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Poll: Disfigurement
I have a distant cousin whose little girl (~12 y.o.) was born with a genetic defect. The little girl's fingers are fused together on both hands. Not to be cruel, but it kind of reminds me of the Dr. Spok Vulcan hand sign. The little girl's father has it too and refused to allow her to get surgery to have it fixed, which is a whole nother topic.
Yesterday, little girl goes into the gas station to buy a drink. The cashier asked what was wrong with her hands. She explained that she had a genetic defect. He asked if she could still use her hands (which she can but some things are obviously harder than others). Little girl comes out and tells mom and the mother went inside and went off on the cashier.
Part of me doesn't think what the cashier did was wrong and I could totally see myself doing the same thing. There was no indication that he made fun of her or anything - just asked questions. But then again, I might be upset if my child's feelings were hurt because of questions like this.
What is the appropriate response when you see someone who is disfigured?
Look away? Just act like everything is normal? Ask questions?
Re: Poll: Disfigurement
I think the mom's reaction was a little uncalled for. Sounds like she is a little protective/self-concious of the issue herself. If the daughter's feelings were hurt, the mother maybe could have kindly said, "hey, that's not appropriate conversation with a X year old." or used it as opportunity to explain to the child that because of this, she will have to grow a tougher skin to these types of questions or comments, because they will surely come.
I 100% agree with this.
Amanda said it better then I could.
This was my friend's FB status the other day:
"A little girl on the bus looks at me and asks if I am a boy or a girl? Her mom is mortified and the other bus riders are shocked. I tell her I am a girl. She then asks why I cut my hair this way. I tell her it is religious. She thinks a moment and accepts that. I then thank her for having the courage to ask me and tell her that I appreciate her bravery. She turns bright red and hides while smiling hugely."
Obviously not the same, but the same theme.
As someone who has a genetic disorder with noticeable effects, the most kind thing to do is ignore and treat them as if nothing were wrong. How would you feel if the first thing that people asked is what is wrong with you? When something makes you feel self-conscious it really sucks when strangers feel the need to point it out to satisfy their own curiosity. When I feel comfortable with someone I will be happy to discuss and answer questions, but until that time comes I expect to be treated as a "normal" person (even though I do not consider myself abnormal in any way).
ETA: While I get the whole "teachable" moment thing, it is not fair to make someone who already has hardships an example. I know that I see this from a completely different perspective, but when you deal with something your entire life I think that you understand daily questions rather than someone who just asks someone something once for an example.
Gah, that's a hard one.
It kinda reminds me of when I was in college. I worked in a store with a young woman who had a disfigured face. I never knew what happened because I never felt comfortable asking and figured it was none of my business. Frequently I would have customers come to me and say "Whats wrong with that girl's face?" It always rubbed me the wrong way and I didn't know why. I would always answer truthfully, that I didn't know because she never mentions it, but I always thought it was a tacky thing for perfect strangers to ask. On the other hand, such an obvious abnormality is going to get noticed and elicit questions, and I think curiousity is normal.
I can see where, if a child were acting as though her feelings were hurt, it would prompt that type of response from a mother. It would be difficult not to be sensitive to that, nobody wants their child to be bullied or made fun of or otherwise hurt. However, sadly, thats going to happen. It just will. Kids are cruel sometimes.
Bottom line, I don't think the cashier should have stuck his nose in where it didn't belong because you never know how people will react to such questions. However, I don't think the reaction was completely appropriate given the circumstances.
I completely agree.
My teeth aren't as straight as I would like them to be and it's embarassing, so when someone feels the need to point it out I'm humiliated. No, it's not exactly the same as a disfigurement, but it's along the same lines.
Ideally, ignoring it would be for the best. Kind curiosity would be better than just staring though.
My friend's son has mastocytosis. It's a skin condition that looks sort of like chicken pox. He's had it since birth and is 6 now. So many people tell her that she shouldn't bring her son out in public if he's contagious, rudely ask what's wrong with him, and even kindly ask, but sometimes, if she's having a bad day, she may go off. It's hard for her to know her son has to deal with this curiosity all the time, and she's protective.
Me too!
Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki
Oh, good point! I hadn'r read down that far yet. Very good point.
Neena Mae. 1/7/10
"A baby nursing at a mother's breast is an undeniable affirmation of our rootedness in nature." - David Suzuki
Agree, well said Amanda!