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If attraction is gone...can it come back?
That's my million dollar question. As I've posted on here before, DH and I are having some issues. Long story short, married 5 years, together 8, we're basically living like roommates. He's not a bad guy, he's nice, caring, he's a great dad, but we live a life with no romance, sex is maybe every 2-3 weeks, and it's becasue I'm literally looking at the calendar realizing it's been that long so I should probably give in.
I have lost my attraction for him over time. We've never really been a real hot and heavy couple or anything like that, but even now, I don't ever want my H. Ever. And if I'm facing up to it and being honest with myself, yes, I think my H is a good looking guy, but I've never really ever been strongly attracted to him in that way.
As I go through all of the problems in our marriage, I'm trying to sort through to decide if we should stay together or not, but this is something I keep asking myself, can the attraction come back? Because, theoretically speaking, even if through therapy and other resources our relationship did improve, I can't say that's something I'd be OK living with - no real physical attraction, if it won't return.
Re: If attraction is gone...can it come back?
If it was there in the first place, yes. But,
I think you need to get honest with yourself about this whole 'coming back' business, since it sounds like you've been shoving a square peg in a round hole from the start.
Your question on its own- Yes, I think it's possible.
Your question as it applies to you- I'm with Broc. It sounds like you've never been all that attracted to your H and there's not much to bring back.
Good point. And I guess the thing I question the most is, should I have been strongly attracted to him to marry him - in the sense of having that extra spark? I know that sounds really ridiculous. I have always found my H to be a handsome, good looking guy...but that extra something just hasn't been there for me...ever. Is it silly of me to think that there should be more there than just a general sense of "Oh, well he's a handsome guy"...does that make sense? And is it silly to think that in a marriage, even 5, 10, 20 years into it, you should be attracted to your H, to the point where you do find you literally want him from time to tim (I know this isn't a daily thing, but I feel like it should be there, at least occasionally) I find as I'm typing this I'm having a hard time putting it into words.
There's no straight answer here. Everyone has different priorities and different things that they are looking for in a marriage. If sex and sparks were high priorities, then yeah, you probably shouldn't have married him.
I appreciate that you are trying to work through this. Honestly, though, it's probably more useful for you to focus on your priorities moving forward. What do you want out of a relationship now, today?
Attraction will fade somewhat over time, but will come and go --- IF you respect one another and care about each other in other ways. Anger, disappointment and disrespect are incompatible with attraction.
Have you tried couseling? Do you have dat nights, spend alone time (minus children), do nice things for each other?
Marriage is much more than sex, but a good marriage does need some sex.
I'm working with a therapist on my own too, trying to sort through some of this, and I'm trying not to make a rush decision, but I've been unhappy on and off over the past 2-3 years, this time it's been about 6 months, and it's starting to wear me down.
Funny though, when you ask what do I want out of a relationship today...I can answer that easily. I want to want my H. And in return I want to feel wanted. I want someone that I can have fun with (vague I know), someone who shows outward emotion and affection, someone that's a Christian, someone that enjoys some of the same things I do, like music for example (music is a big deal in my life)...I don't get any of this from my H. Last time I posted, I gave an example of me telling my H just 1 time a day, give me a hug. That was 3 weeks ago...no hug yet. If we do break up, and down the line (I'd never rush this) I found someone new, I would have a much clearer view of what I need in someone lifelong. I wasn't young when we married (26), but I can say I've definately changed between then and now.
I am starting to realize that overall, my H hasn't changed, he's never given me the outward emotion and affection I long for in all the time I've known him, but I've changed. My needs have changed, my goals in life have changed.
We tried counseling, after 6 sessions we both agreed we didn't like who we were seeing, and we haven't looked for a new counselor. I'm so checked out some days I don't even care about trying, but then there's days I feel like maybe I should try just one last time. We don't have date nights, we've talked about it, but we're both guilty of not making it a priority. Since starting therapy I've tried doing certain things to show my love, but I feel like they've gone unnoticed.
I can honestly say in 8 years together, I've never had the oh-my-gosh-mind-blowing kind of sex with my H. Never. Again, I Know this isn't something that happens all of the time, but I feel like maybe once in a while...after a good night out or something?
I think your last paragraph is super important. If what you need is to want and feel wanted by your H and you know that he is not changing, in my mind you have 2 options- either you change or you find someone that can meet your needs.
Have you been able to talk to your H about your feelings? I don't mean by telling him to give you a hug, but to tell him that you need more than you are currently getting.
In my experience, yes it can come back. But from want I hear, your sex life is kind of supposed to suck when you have little kids.
As you've replied more, my answer has changed. I think attraction can ebb and flow. In your case, I kind of think it isn't going to come back. It doesn't sound like it was ever really there. It's one thing to think intellectually that someone is handsome, quite another to have chemistry with a person.
If your H can't give you one hug a day when you have told him that is something you really want, he doesn't sound like he is very focused on making you happy. If you don't get any physical affection, I can see why the sex isn't great either.
You say you've never had mind-blowing sex with your H--have you had it with anyone else?
And that's a good way to put it, I really do think my H is a good looking guy, but that extra chemistry isn't there. Yes, I've had that chemistry and great sex with other's in my past, that sort of chemistry and strong phyical attraction.
I have actually talked to DH about my feelings just 2 nights ago. He knew I was unhappy prior to this talk, but I don't know if he knew how serious it has been for me. I have told him I need more, and he basically told me it's not fair that I've changed and my needs have changed. He said he feels like he's in an ultimatum type situation, either change to make me happy, or get divorced. I didn't know what to say because I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an ultimatum at all, but at the same time I can see how he feels that way about things.
i agree with muddled. everyone has different needs, wants and priorities in a marriage. there is no right or wrong answer. if sexual chemistry and passion is something that's important to you, and it seems like it is, then you have to answer some tough questions.