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Rambling Post About Roles, Masculinity and Femininity
I have been giving this a lot of thought lately and I wanted to hear what everyone else had to say about this.
In looking back on my relationships previous to the one I'm currently in, I can only really point to one where I felt really balanced and like things were working well. The common theme between that relationship and the one I'm in now is that both men were very stereotypically masculine. During that previous relationship, I didn't give it much thought, but coming off my divorce, where I felt like I always had to be "in charge" and my XH even called me "the boss" I realize that I feel extremely feminine (in a good way) in my current relationship where I don't have to be that person.
In my work like, I have to be "in charge" and with a lot of my friends I am that way too, so I don't know if being content with not having to take on that role in a relationship is a function of me trying to find balance in my life or if it's some deeper need to let my stereotypically feminine side show.
Anyway, has anyone else ever give though to the role you play in a relationship and whether how stereotypically masculine or feminine you and your SO behave has anything to do with how well your relationship works.
Re: Rambling Post About Roles, Masculinity and Femininity
Define 'stereotypically masculine' and 'stereotypically feminine'.
Firstly, I am acknowledging that these are just stereotypes, and don't have any reflection on how much of a "real" man or woman anyone is.
For masculine I'd say being very decisive, feeling very dedicated to the role of protector and provider, competitive, sexually aggressive (not in a forceful way), doing all the things that are related to chivalry, managing outdoor tasks and those related to manual labor, exercising leadership.
For feminine I'd say nurturing, sensitive, gentle and caring, managing indoor tasks, being more emotionally expressive and responsive.
Well, obviously. I'm not talking about anyone being forced into any type of role, or constrained to behave a certain way. I do think that some people are more comfortable falling along various points of the masculinity/femininity spectrum (due to upbringing, cultural factors and personality). I also think that in any given situation, people will change their dynamic, and that's a good thing. My point was that I think I'm finding that I am more comfortable in relationships where we're not both right in the middle of that spectrum.
I don't think it is either or. With XH, I had to take charge because he was like a child and one of us had to be the grown up. Now on my own I don't feel like I did then.
for example: We had a joint checking that drove me to point of being OCD. I checked our account 100 times a day, I even remember calling him asking what he had spent $5 on and it just so happened he was still pulling out of the taco bell drive through and it had just hit our account. Now I don't have to be like that because it's just me and I know I'm not going to go blow my money at the bar or on sluts.
I think of myself as more traditionally feminine, but OTOH, I'm pretty driven at work, I don't want kids, and I don't clean. I'm a darn fine, cook, though, and I do tend to look to the guy to make decisions (with my input, of course!). So, I guess I'm just kind of a conundrum.
BF and I have an arrangement where he pays for meals out and activities that we go out for, but I buy the groceries and cook meals for us. It works because he was feeling taken advantage of that I expected him to pay when we were out, and I was feeling not valued and not treated right because he wasn't keen on paying my way all the time (see, I told you I was traditional!). So we came to this compromise. I like cooking, and making meals for him is a way that I express my love. Buying the groceries is part of that, so I don't mind it. In return, he doesn't mind paying when we're out. So, it feels fair to both of us now.
I could be wrong but I think that your current relationship you seem that you are feeling safe enough to breakdown your "protective walls" and allowing your bf in. I think we all have several "masks" and sometimes we let the other not see our real self and pick which mask to wear. A lot of this is based on survival coping strategies and intuition with one another.
I also wanted to add that only you know if you are wearing one of your masks or if you are truely being you around your bf. It sounds like you are becoming more and more "aware" of yourself and how you respond or react. Honing this skills will help you make the best decisions for yourself.
You could be on to something there. Another thing I've noticed, that sort of goes along with what you're saying, is that for the first time I have allowed myself to be really affectionate. I have never been one to cuddle, or give hugs, or hold hands in public or make out in public. In past relationships I have tried to do those things because I knew it would make the other person happy, but I was uncomfortable the whole time (palms sweating, feeling smothered and like I couldn't breathe.) When I was criticized about my lack of enthusiasm I'd just say, "well this is who I am and if you can't deal with it we can't be together." But, in this relationship, I am super affectionate, and I don't have any problem with him being affectionate with me in public, and I finally get what other people like about it.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
This is a good topic to think about.
I do think it has a good amount to do with how well our relationship works. We both fall into stereotypical roles--DH has a traditionally masculine career, I take care of the household while I'm back in school. H's interests are stereotypical as well: boating, electronics, outdoorsy things, home improvement projects. I love fashion, gardening (flowers), decorating, wine nights with friends and so on. HOWEVER these don't define us. H is very sensitive and has become emotional many times since I met him, I'm athletic at the barn with my horse in spare time and mow the lawn, H enjoys shopping (when it's for him :]) and the career I'm studying for is far from "feminine".
I think, above all else, what makes a serious relationship work successfully is to treat it like a business-whatever each partner is better at, that person is in charge of (assuming living together/making financial and other large decisions together).
Overall, I don't think being ultra feminine/masculine makes for a better relationship as communication does. Relationships work just fine with reversed roles as long as both partners are happy with it. For my personal relationship, we DO fall into roles that are "feminine" or "masculine" but that works for us.
Yes. This is where I am, too. I wouldn't like being yin or yang.