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Frustrated w/ FI (WWYD)
So, somewhat recently I've become friends with this guy. We know each other through a mutual friend, and we hang out every so often, and talk lots online. FI doesn't like him, and he's never even met him. He keeps bringing him up, (at first) jokingly that I find this guy (let's call him Fred) more attractive and that I'm going to leave FI for him, or cheat on FI with him. Well, #1, I would never do that, and #2, He is also in a committed relationship. It's even come up in conversation between Fred and I that even though we do find each other mildly attractive, we both love our SO's too much, and that we would never do that to them, and that we are in love with THEM not each other.
FI was giving me a hard time about it today, and we got into an argument about it. The basic gist is that FI thinks that I won't be able to control myself, and has admitted it's because he thinks that the man is the one who instigates it, and that I would be a victim (as a feminist scholar, this made me furious). He also admitted that he doesn't like the idea of me having a straight male friend (I have lots of other male friends, however they're gay, so FI is more comfortable with that). It then came out that he finds a mutual friend of ours attractive, which I've known about and have admitted to and apologized for being jealous about in the past (this jealousy was when I was suffering from pretty bad depression. I've since done a lot of growing up and healing, and absolutely am under no impression that I think FI will cheat on me with her. I've said all of this to FI and he knows I'm "devoted" (I've always hated that word) to him). However, during our argument, he brought her up, asking why I think he doesn't go to our social group's(of which Fred is not a part) weekly hang-out at a bar. He said he doesn't want to be around her, because he's with me. This hurt me a lot, and to me it basically says that he expects me to have self`control, but I have to understand that he can't be around someone because he can't control himself. He then got angry at me and said I should stop thinking about how he has the capacity to cheat on me, and how he's willing to cut ties with people in order to stay with me. This broke my heart, because a) he said it was supposed to make me feel better, when all it does it make me feel like an awful person for standing in the way of a friendship he had before we were together and b) I feel like it's unfair of him to put me in that situation.
I guess I just need some advice. WWYD?
Re: Frustrated w/ FI (WWYD)
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Time to reconsider the marriage.
And if you and Fred are discussing your attraction for each other and clarifying that you're not in love with each other, I think it's gone a bit further than you're willing to acknowledge.
I would have a problem w/ your friendship too, to be honest (and I fully believe men and women can be friends). You hang out w/ him on occasion, but your FI has never met him? Why? And talking so much, admitting to your attraction... um, not appropriate.
Then your FI. Even though I can understand why he doesn't want you to be friends w/ Fred, he lost my "support" when you told me that he finds a friend of yours attractive and in turn, won't hang out w/ her because he can't control himself??? WTF???
He sounds insecure and immature.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
So you and this friend actually discussed how you'd never get together because you're already in relationships? Who started that conversation. Because it sounds to me like you were feeling each other out to see if there was a chance.
Either way though, you should ditch your FI. He sounds like a douche.
Crap...I Mean Crafts
Sorry but I'm kind of on your FI side on this one.
Here are the red flags I see (that if I were your FI I would also be weary of):
1- Your FI has never met the guy, have you met the girlfriend? Why not?
2- The fact that you had to have this conversation, which included letting each other know that you were both "mildly attracted" to each other. He is also in a committed relationship. It's even come up in conversation between Fred and I that even though we do find each other mildly attractive, we both love our SO's too much, and that we would never do that to them, and that we are in love with THEM not each other.
But I also think that your way of thinking about relationships is much different than your FI, and for that reason I think that you should rethink the marriage.
So, to recap, your FI doesn't like your inappropriate friendship and you don't like the inappropriate friendship he used to have.
Really, the only surprise is going to be which one of you cheats first.
I think you're being overly defensive because you and Fred want to bang.
Updated September 2012.
Bingo.
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