Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
In-Law Issues mostly vent
I'm new to this board (was referred by a friend) and had been mostly lurking but I need some advice today. Haha.
A little backstory. My MIL is not a pleasant person. My DH doesn't even care for her. She has two sons and is obsessed with them. For instance, if the son that still lives with her leaves for work without going and hugging and kissing her, she threatens to spank him if he does it again, she does this publicly.
My DH has been extremely happy to be away from her (She would also randomly take money from his wallet) since we got married. He has not ignored her but we have honestly been very busy as he works full-time, I work part-time and go to school full-time, and we are youth pastors at our church (which is a full time volunteer job in itself). Add that to getting used to taking care of our new home and actually having some time for each other and we dont have any to spare. We have been over probably five times since November. I don't see a problem with this as I am very VERY close to my mother, but I don't get to go see her unless I stop by for a few minutes after work. This past week my MIL has sent ugly, scolding texts to my DH basically talking bad about me and that I am keeping him from her. (Keep in mind she has not texted before this or tried to come over since Christmas, or called) Today I get a message from a friend of mine who works close to where we live. My MIL has been bugging her about how my DH is doing. Like she even knows! She is also spreading how I am keeping him away from her all over our town. I'm pretty sure he is a grown man and goes where he pleases, but this is getting old. He has about two hours after work that he can go where he pleases without me, plenty of time for him to see her but he chooses NOT to. Why would he when she is just going to fuss at him. He doesn't really talk much anyway. I guess I'm just frustrated.
Re: In-Law Issues mostly vent
What has your husband done about this?
It sounds like he doesn't go to see her, correct? Is he responding to her texts and messages? Hopefully he's telling her to knock it off or else he's cutting contact with her, and then hopefully he will follow through on that promise. He shouldn't be accepting her criticisms of you ... he needs to either tell her to stop it, or he needs to just completely ignore her.
It doesn't sound like he has a fulfilling relationship with her. He doesn't HAVE to keep in touch with her just because she's his mother. Family relationships need to be earned - she's not entitled to love because of blood, and she's certainly not entitled to any respect from you or your husband if she doesn't give it back in return. I would suggest that you block her phone number and e-mail address from your own accounts. Your H would probably be wise to do the same. Ignore what she says and don't visit her. It sounds like the two of you will not be losing anything positive in your lives if you stop contacting her. If he's not visiting her right now and he's not responding to her messages, then he's got the right idea.
As for the friend, tell her, "Please don't get involved between MIL and us. Let us handle it our own way. I'd prefer that you not act as the messenger here. If she asks you about us, tell her that you're not getting involved." If the friend continues to gossip to you about MIL, cut her off and say, "I don't want to discuss this' and change the subject. Hang up the phone or walk away if she still won't quit.
As far as your brother-in-law goes ... if he chooses to live with her and be babied, then that's his own fault. He has the power to change this, by moving out. MIL threatening to spank him is absolutely insane, but if he's a competent adult then he can leave whenever he chooses. If he wants to complain about it to you guys then I would just say, "So then move out already" and change the subject. Don't indulge his complaints. If he keeps talking about it, tell him that you're not interested in his whining if he's not going to do anything about it. Again, hang up the phone or walk away if he still won't knock it off. (This is assuming he's an adult. I would only get involved in his situation if he's under 18 and he really wants to get away from her. Or if he has some kind of handicap that makes it difficult for him to fend for himself.)
Let your girlfriend know that you don't want to hear third-hand smack about what your MIL is saying "all over town". It's gossip and it won't help you.
Let your DH respond to her ugly and hateful messages. It's not your job.
And brace yourself. You say this is getting old - and I warn you that it likely is just beginging. Your MIL has very poor communication skills and seems ready and able to manipulate and insult to get what she wants. This will last along time.
Gross. I've seen this before, this weird unnatural thing some mothers have for their sons. It makes me vomit a little. Got get a man you're not related too.
I dated one of these for about a minute, and about the time his mother tried to get him to sit on her lap at 25, we were done.
My husband tends to just ignore her. He will answer her messages if they are reasonable (such as "Have a good day!"). He ignores stuff like "What kind of birth control do you use?" He never really talked to her before we got married. One because she changes everything and tells everyone and two he just doesn't like to talk. We won't lose anything by cutting contact and I would LOVE to do just that, but he just likes to keep his distance but not say anything he may one day regret. He has always taken up for me, but that doesn't stop her. She puts all these nice things on Facebook, then in person acts like a jerk. He will stop by once in a while, but so far it has only been to pick up his mail or something he forgot. I think she gets aggravated because he won't tell her any of our business. I think he finds it entertaining to see what she will come up with.
And for my friend, she just told her she didn't know anything that she never saw my husband. She wasn't trying to cause trouble, just giving me a heads up of what was coming.. from all directions..
I'm just going to ignore the beginning of the post, because this is obviously crazy behaviour on her part.
How did your H respond to these texts?
If I was you I would have him handle this. I would not go see her more and instead he should let her know that if she misses you so much that she can always invite you both over for dinner/drinks/whatever. It's not just a one way thing. He should also be clear to her that you are his wife, and that he will not sit and listen to her bad mouth you in any way, if she wants to see him then this needs to stop immediately.
sorry this sucks, and I'm sure the drama is just building. Try to nip it in the bud as soon as possible. Your husband needs to stand up to her.
She is very VERY manipulative! And doesn't care who she hurts, including her own children. I knew this going in. We have been together for almost five years and she has been this way the whole time. I know he's worth the trouble and I chose to endure it (not that my family is a piece of cake, but he did get an awesome MIL and he tells her all the time). And I know it gets to him almost as much as it gets to me. I worry too much about what people think and I wanted her to like me. Oh well. We really don't need her approval. It helps just knowing that I'm not crazy, she does act strange!
And I have seen her try to get my BIL to sit in her lap! haha! But he is her favorite. My husband was a daddy's boy and never had much to do with her. She still insists on him hugging and kissing on her and DH refuses. Mommy dates too, but DH always chooses to spend his few hours of spare time with me. The person he did choose to spend the rest of his life with.
yuo didn't answer my question though-what does your DH do about it?
I am kind of in the same boat with my FMIL... She has trashed me to her family. I am keeping her son away. It doesn't help the matters that she is an alcoholic and has been since her teens. I think she thinks that my FI would choose her over me, but he is sick of her BS and is ready to start a life with someone he chooses. He didn't say much when the drama started between her and me. FI did some stuff to help out and all she did was *** about what we all did. and then went as far as moving a christmas tree we put up and decorated (she moved it and redecorated it.) We moved out Dec 29 because I couldn't put up with her and the way she treated me. Now when FI goes out there to visit her, she only bitches at him about how he never comes out to see her. The first week we moved out, she had called 3 times for us to come "hang out" with her. And of course she was wasted. But that is my story. It sucks especially since you did nothing wrong. It drives me nuts to think that we helped her out in many ways and all she did was talk behind mostly my back.
I would say let your H talk to her and tell her what is going on. I have been trying to get my FI to talk to her without a screaming match. Don't make him choose between you two though. I was getting to that point and i am so happy. Your MIL has some awful behaviors that need to be stopped. I would not want to be with her either. But talk to your H to get him to talk to her.