Trouble in Paradise
Princess_Lily
member
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Help Needed w/ Absentee ILs
My MIL/ILs have never met DS, they didnt even come down for his birth. They live a plane ride away. The last time MIL saw DH was at our wedding 5yrs ago. They never call me, and will only make contact with DH on his cell. They send boxes of used clothing for DS, I cant remember honestly if they sent any gifts for DSs birthday though. I digress though, it *is not*about the gifts (used or not) its about how she has spent countless dollars on sending things, when we would rather have her here! We have even told her this...which she carefully ignores irregardless of how many time we express this to her. Prior to this, We thought it was financial circumstances keeping MIL back, and we have offered every few months to fly her...we cant afford much, and it would be cheaper to send her down, than fly three off us for a trip...but she has declined each time. Sadly, I have accepted that she wants to keep our family at an arms distance. Their loss! Now our first major vacation as a family has come up and DH wants to see his absentee family...as a last ditch effort. I kindly expressed to him how it is hard to extend an olive branch to people who seem to not care for not only you, but your 2yo child as well. WWYD here? would you go?
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Re: Help Needed w/ Absentee ILs
I don't know. I would rather go some place fun where I want to be and am wanted...
However, I understand your H wants to see his folks. So I would go this once, but depending on how it goes think about not doing it a second time.
Have you expressed your desire to come on vacation to the IL's? What was the reception? If they seem less than thrilled then I really would go some place maybe within driving distance that you actually want to go and don't have to worry about being welcome.
That does sound extremely hurtful for your H (and you etc.). Is their history that is impacting their behavior? Did they not approve the marriage or something? Or are they just not touchy-feeling, keep in contact people?
I would probably go. but ONCE> If nothing changes and/or they still make no effort after, then never again. And I would be VERY CLEAR on this w/ DH. VERY.
I don't think it will work, and I totally understand why you don't want to. I'm not sure why it's you all extending the olive branch when it's HIS family who is in the "wrong".
But.... your DH wants to do it and I wouldnt' want there to be any chance that *I'd* be the one he blames down the road for not even trying.
Again, though, it would come w/ the VERY CLEAR understanding that if nothing changes, you will not waste anymore precious vacation time seeing people who clearly don't have any interest.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I certainly would not spend my vacation with these people. If my H wanted to see them, he could hop on a plane and go see them ALONE!
Definitely not in a million years would i spend the money, or vacation time with/on them.
There is no excuse for her not seeing her grandson. none. So, i certainly wouldnt need one not ot spend my vacation time with her.
Just a couple of quick questions: do the in-laws fly other places? Are they afraid of flying? Uncomfortable flying but will do it if they have to?
I think first & foremost your H needs to seek therapy, because this isn't about a single visit, which is why your H is pushing for it. Does this make sense?
Do they live some place where you can find fun things to do or within a couple hours of such a place? I agree with ECB on giving H this one try - maybe they are afraid to fly or some other reason for declining your offer. So I would plan a trip near them but not around them and set aside one day to see them and see what happens. That way, if they are disinterested or still absentee, you haven't wasted an entire vacation and you all will have other things to focus on than visiting them if it's disappointing.
I'm also inclined to agree with broccoli on therapy for your H. Having absentee parents sucks and is so hurtful, even as an adult.
BFP #4 It's a BOY!
CP: July 2011
BFP #3: 11/3/2011 M/C 12/12/11
We miss you and love you always, little firecrackers!
When did your H's separation from his family start? Has it always been this distant, or did it start with a big event (wedding, new job, new location, new baby, etc.)?
I can see where your H wants to try if this distance is a new-ish thing.
I guess I also look at this like any relationship. Maybe your H knows, deep down, that he won't be able to fix the relationship he has with his parents, but he feels like he can't acknowledge that without doing everything in his power first. He hasn't been able to get them to come to you, but if he tries to go to them and that still doesn't work then he can at least say, "I've done everything I could think of to save this relationship, and it just isn't going to work." A sense of closure for him?
IDK, you're in a really tough spot. Is it possible that you can vacation somewhere near where your ILs live, and spend one day of your vacation attempting to see them? That way if it doesn't work, you still have the rest of your trip?
I am wondering if there are any mitigating circumstances? Is she an invalid? Is she grossly overweight to the point that it would be difficult for her to navigate an airport without help? Does she have anxiety or agoraphobia?
Has she traveled anywhere else during this time period?
We flew my MIL up here when she was 88. It took extra effort--we paid someone from her church to get her to the airport and handed off to airport personnel who got her into a wheelchair and escorted to the gate. She was willing to make the effort to see her children. There weren't even any grandchildren to sweeten the deal!
So unless there is something else going on it seems to me that for some reason she DOES want to keep your family at arms distance. Is there something that happened years ago that would bolster that theory?
If I were you, I suppose it would depend on how hard it would be financially for all three of you to travel there, and on whether you think your H would be clear on the fact that this will NOT be your annual vacation now, going forward.
This is one reason why I feel going might be a good thing- if you don't know this right now, going to see her might give you some answers that you all are missing.
But- if this isn't the case and if it's really just that she isn't interested... I have to agree - therapy for your DH.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10