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Being unfaithful...long
My sister cheated on her husband last week; which came as a complete surprise to me. Her life is seemingly "perfect"; great husband who caters to her and treats her as if she was his whole world, great career, live a nice life, etc. She confided in me that while on a business trip, she slept with another man, a business acquatiance. Of course alcohol was related and while that is not an excuse, I do feel as though it contributed to the situation. She loves her husband, does not know WHY she did this. There isn't really anything lacking in their relationship; intimacy is great, communication is good, no money issues, no kids, etc.
I have been struggling what to tell her to do. She knows she messed up, she is not hung up on this other man, he lives across the country and their business dealings are mainly over email or phone. They may see each other a few times year but she doesn't believe that there will be any tempation in the future. He is married with a 2 and 6 month old. FWIW, he instigated the actions but he also knows he messed up.
My advice to her, she messed up, she needs to forgive herself and move on. I do not believe that she should tell her husband as they have both been clear in the past that infideilty is a deal-breaker and their marriage would be over. I believe that she probably needs to seek a therapist and find out the root of the issue.
What do you ladies think? Should she "come clean" for one night of indescrition? Or take this secret to the grave...
Re: Being unfaithful...long
I can not seem to commit to a stance on infidelity...while I feel like a spur of the moment sexual thing would (I think) bother me less than an intimate and emotional fling or affair...I can't decide if I'd rather not know about it, or if I would want to know and if i DID, whether I could move past it?
I really do think that human sexuality is fragile, and with the living longer part of uh...life, these days, and all of the new advances in communication and opportunities to flirt and be inappropriate- even if unintentionally...
I just don't know.
I think it's unfair for her H not to know- but I wonder if the benefit of them liveing as though it never happened - with him being none the wiser- would be more beneficial..
idk.
it sucks. I guess it's his right to know and decide whether he wants to move on or work through it. I DO think in tht sort of instance, if people are really honest with themselves- its possible to overcome.
I think.
I think you should stay out of it. If you tell her she should confess, and he leaves her she'll blame you. If you tell her to not tell him, if he ends up finding out he'll feel even more betrayed and she'll blame you.
I think your idea about a therapist was a good one. It puts someone else in the position of being her confidant. I know she's your sister, but she has put you in a bad spot with this.
Personally, I'd take the secret to my grave. It would be bad enough cheating on DH, but them him having to know that I did. It would be heartbreaking for him. The cheater should shoulder the burden of this,
OP, you should butt out.
Your sister should get therapy and talk it out with an objective professional.
She screwed up. Let that be her burden to bare. Not his.
Question to other ladies ...
so, it is ok to cheat if they/you dont find out?
I dont get it.
He has every right to know what she did. HE gets to decide how to react and what to do NOT her.
OP MYOB let her deal with this.
As someone who was cheated on and is still working out the aftermath of this, I would say that it would be FAR MORE devastating to find out years from now that my spouse cheated on me in the past and hid it from me. Cheating is also a deal-breaker for me, but it is amazing how hard it is to take the steps to end your marriage. It is a horrible and life-changing thing, and I would not wish it on anyone.
However, I do think, OP, that it is NOT your job to get involved. I was informed of my H's infidelity by the extranged (now ex) H of the woman my H was having an affair with, and I was SO GRATEFUL that he contacted me and told me because I would NEVER have figured it out on my own. But he was a stranger to me who was also involved in the whole mess. I don't know if anyone I know IRL (like anyone on my H's side of the family) knew/knows what happened, and I don't want to know. I would offer your sister your support, but that is it.
I should note that the affair my H had was not a one-night stand...it was a four-month long affair, which to me is MUCH WORSE, although a one-night stand would still be a deal-breaker for me.
This is none of your business.
She needs to decide for herself if she's going to tell her husband or not. She needs to see a therapist to discuss that and why she cheated in the first place.
If I were you, I'd tell her, "I appreciate you feeling that you can confide in me, but this is not a situation where I feel comfortable offering advice." Then butt out.
Yeah, he can find out when he wakes up with funny bumps on his d*ck and asks his wife where they came from. Or maybe he can find out when the wife of the guy she slept with calls him up and tells him what happened. Or maybe he'll find out years from now when he's hanging out with his wife and SIL, they get really drunk and the OP accidentally blurts it out. Or maybe he'll find out when he and his wife have a huge blow-out fight and she throws it in his face.
Things have a way of coming out. And I'm firmly in the "he has a right to know" camp.
But, OP, this is not your decision and you really should butt out. Whatever advice you give could easily damage your relationship with your sister.
I'm not judging you for staying and I hope everything works out for the best for you, but you keep saying that cheating is a deal breaker for you, but you're still there. I don't think you know what deal breaker means.
OP - MYOB. I know it's hard because it's your sister. I would suggest to her she get counseling, but do not tell her whether to tell her H or not. It's her marriage, her decision, her life.
I'm in this camp. I tend to think that these things have a way of coming out, one way or another. And I would think that it would hurt far more to learn about it years later like that.
But either way, I think you really need to stay out of it, OP. You don't want to be blamed for anything later on. The suggestion of seeing a counselor was a good one, but I'd probably leave it at that. MYOB.
Uh yeah. I am kind of amazed by the number of "don't tell" people. SHE doesn't get to choose for him. What about the chances of an STD? Pregnancy? Should he find out that way? She put her husband at risk, she gets to not only live with the guilt, but also the fact that he may not be willing to stay.
As for OP-stay out of it. Suggest counseling. I would be pissed if my sister put me in this situation. I love my BIL and I would not want to keep such a horrible secret.
What happens in the dark always, always comes to light eventually. He will find out and if not now, then later... and how much worse a betrayal will it be with the cheating plus a long-held secret?
But yeah, OP needs to butt out. It's kind of sh*tty for your sister to put that burden on you, IMO.
gotcha and that makes sense. good luck with everything!
I feel that if she was really considering not telling him, she should not have told you.
You are not some old friend of hers who lives far away from her H and has never met him who could be an objective sounding board.
He is now part of your family and I think it is not cool of your sister at all to have told you.
Is she just selfish and wanted the hour of fun that sex with a new person tends to be? If things were really so good in her marriage I cannot understand how she would do that. So either she's got an empathy chip missing or deep down there is something missing in her marriage that she is not willing to admit yet.
I couldn't agree with you more.
I rarely post here, but I cant resist because this response is amazing (in a good way). Also this is a sore spot for me because my exwife cheated on me. I am jaded..I know this. Having said that she must tell her H and deal with the fallout.
Something about not telling him gives me a feeling that she will think "she got away with it". If she doesnt tell him she will do it again, I guarantee it. She sees this guy a few times a year while she is away on business?? Recipe for disaster.
One more thing, it is usually the marriages that seem perfect on the outside that are far from perfect in reality. Something is amiss in their relationship, or maybe just her. Her clothes did not magically fly off for no reason, and I doubt she decided to bang this guy just for sport.
Yes, I think so as well. It will be so easy for her, having already done it and no lasting harm came from the act (in her mind, if she doesn't tell her H), to rationalize it away as something extra fun she gets on these rare business trips. She will think it isn't hurting anyone and what happens on the business trip stays on the business trip.
I would tend to think that she cheated because her husband isn't giving her everything she needs or because she has insecurity issues.
However, if she is really still in love with her H and they have the "perfect life" and she doesn't intend to cheat again I think she she just keep it to herself and move forward in her relationship.
I was so in love with my ex who left me for his coworker. Honestly if he had just had a simple fling and I never found out about it and he still loved me I would have been none the wiser. However, our situation was different because we have a yound child and I think that he should have worked harder to keep our relationship. It is a lot easier to split with someone when there are no kids involved.
But I agree with everyone else you cannot advise her. You need to tell her that you have no idea what she should do and that she needs to speak to a counselor.
By all means, she should be a cheater AND a liar. Just being a cheater isn't bad enough.
I agree with JM-if she is going to continue seeing this man and doesn't own up and face the repercussions, there will be no deterrent form doing it again.
All of this is so true. I have a friend, K, who is a similar situation to the OP-her friend told her she cheated on her H, who is also K's friend. The wife expects all this loyalty from K, but K is hella pissed because she feels she is betraying the woman's H. She told the wife to tell him, the wife hasn't, so K isn't friends with her anymore.
I think she should tell, but you shouldn't really be involved in it at all.
Yes, I'm not looking to get involved but since she involved me, I am by default. I just more or less wanted an outlet to ask advice. I am staying out of it besides telling her that she needs to probably get some therapy to find out the root of the issue.
I do believe that this will be a one time isolated event. If it happens again, I think she is smart enough to realize that its a pattern and make the decision to speak with her husband. I just wonder if you can truly keep something like this forever a secret. Not sure I could.