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How to handle: MIL and DH (a little long)
My MIL has gone basically missing from our lives since she started dating her boyfriend. They started dating back in Nov/ Dec. We hardly hear from her. Occasionally she'll send an email but she rarely intiates a phone call (via Skype) anymore. After not hearing from her for about a month, I called her yesterday. The boyfriend was in the background. We talked for about 30 minutes and she was able to see her grandson. DH did not interact with her and barely said hi, didn't get on the screen to see her. I carried the whole conservation which isn't a bad thing because we get along very well.
Before her boyfriend entered the picture she would call us every weekend talk to us and send us emails regularly. We've talked with her 3 times since Christmas. Now, I remember what it was like to start a new relationship. Sometimes your other ones get pushed to the side. After our conversation with her, I asked DH if he was weirded out by talking to them together. He said no but told me that he is disappointed in his mother and the way she has handled the other relationships in her life. He's making less of an effort to talk with her until she changes. She doesn't know this and while I definitely see his point I don't know if its the right thing to do. I have to admit that I am a little hurt too; I'm hurt on a couple of levels. We (her and I) would talk every Monday and email every week. That has completely stopped. And I know its just not us that have been pushed aside. My SIL barely gets to speak with her too.
I'll also admit I don't like this guy too much. I've heard somethings from SIL that doesn't make me welcome him with open arms. (He seems a bit controlling and very needy. He monopolizes all her time. They spend everyday together, not joking, everyday. I know she's a grown adult and she's free to do and spend her time with anyone she wants to but she's also the type of person to make everyone happy first. I wonder if thats what she's doing with the boyfriend.) What should I do? MYOB, try to talk to DH, or something else? I don't want all of our relationships to suffer because of this new one.
Re: How to handle: MIL and DH (a little long)
All of this. I'd try to keep initiating conversations and e-mails and say things like, "I miss our weekly chats" or "I feel like we aren't communicating as much as we used to, which is unfortunate because I almost forgot to tell you..."
Ditto. I would do this particularly if you have some concerns that he's too controlling. Hopefully, her falling off the radar is a 'newness' thing and not a controlling thing, but if there are control issues, it is really important that she have a support network and people other than just "this guy".
Agreed. If it isn't the newness and is a control issue, falling of the radar and not contacting her would make it easier for him to get her isolated. But judging by friends I've had before when they start a new relationship, I would assume she just doesn't know how to balance a romantic relationship and family life anymore. That should come with time. Tell her that you miss her, because I bet she misses you guys too.
Thanks guys! Everyone had good points. I'm sure it sounds like I'm being a baby and a brat. On some level its nice to devote time every weekend in front of the computer but it doesn't mean I don't miss her. I've sent her emails to tell her we miss her. Its not in every message but its in some of them. And after we talk with her I always say how nice it was to catch up. I'll just stay consistent with my message.
To answer the question of her dating history. This is her first relationship since DH's father/ her husband died 10 years ago. At first we were all really happy and shocked that she was dating someone. But as more things have come to light and we've seen less of her we are less excited about it. We've been very careful in expressing anything but support for her relationship.
ah that's tough! I guess all you can really do is just hold on and hope she settles down in this relationship and wants to get back in contact with you guys more often.
If I was you, I'd still send chatty emails every week and ask her when she's free to skype, and hopefully she'll eventually come to her senses and remember she has family as WELL as a boyfriend and it doesn't have to be one or the other in her life
I don't think it sounds like you're being a brat. I think it sounds like you're concerned for your MIL and her relationship with her family, which is just fine. I think the way you're doing things - expressing support but also trying to send the message that it seems she's turning away from her family - is a good way of handling the situation.