My husband and I have been married for 3 months and I'm afraid that we are
already having marital problems over something that should not be a problem to
begin with.
When I first met him in 2009, he had just bought a beautiful 2 story
townhouse that he shared with 3 cats. I have never, in my life, been a cat
person. Besides being slightly allergic to them (I get a little sneezy here and
there), I have always found cats to be a bit gross due to their fur clinging
onto everything in sight. There are many other reasons why I am not a cat
person, including that 2 of them are from a previous relationship but, I won?t
get into a tangent about that. Even though he and I had fallen in love very
fast, I found that his attachment to his cats was a turn off for me. For starters,
he slept with all 3 of them in his bed. When we were downstairs trying to eat,
they would crawl on my lap or on the table and it was all I could do not to get
sick right in front of him. And if me or any of his friends or family made fun
of him for having so many cats (who wouldn?t?) he would get incredibly
offended, to the point where he wouldn?t speak for a bit.
Before I go on any farther, my husband isn't some crazy person. He is a very
successful, social and well put together man. He is just a HUGE animal
person. Which is one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. However,
after months of dating, I moved in with him and my sickness towards these
animals had only gotten worse and I finally had to have the talk with him. I
didn't want to be that girlfriend who made him chose between me or his pets
that he loved dearly. So, I asked him if we could possibly come up with some
compromises. The first one was that the cats were no longer allowed to sleep in
our room. Fair enough. I am slightly allergic anyway, having their fur on our
bedsheets was too much. Second, they weren't allowed on or near the table or
any place where we eat. That was also reasonable. I didn't go any further with
the compromises. I never even suggested we get rid of them because I knew how
much they meant to him.
My husband was amazing and immediately agreed with the compromises. But,
things got worse. The cats started to rebel and almost resent the fact that
they have been given so many boundaries (who could blame them?) and would start
to claw at our bedroom door at late hours of the night, trying to get in. They
started jumping on our kitchen counters and acting out. As an animal lover
myself, I felt that giving them so many boundaries was unfair to them. But, our
2 bedroom townhouse isn?t big enough for 2 people and 3 animals. However, we
continued with the new cat rules and after a few more months, my husband
finally proposed to me. It was then that I found out I wasn?t the only one that
felt this way about his felines. My soon to be in laws also agreed that his fascination
with cats was odd and that they needed to go. At LEAST one of them needed to
go.
Months into planning our wedding, I had hit a breaking point. I had vacuumed
our living floor 3 times in one day due to all the cat fur. I had listened to
scratching and screeching of 3 cats while I tried to sleep every night, and the
smell of the litter box upstairs was so overwhelmingly disgusting that it was
actually making me throw up almost everyday. Out of frustration, I told him it
was me or the cats and that he had to get rid of them. I said this out of
anger, in no way did I really mean that. But, to my surprise, he was devastated.
He yelled at me and said ?having a pet is not a luxury, I can?t just give them
away when I?m tired of them? which was hurtful to me because, I grew up having
pets. I know the attachment you get to pets. They practically become your
children. However, I know that if the tables were turned and he had said that
my animals were upsetting him to the point of sickness everyday, there would be
no question as to what I would do. There are such things as ?No Kill Shelters?.
We both have Facebooks, he could very easily ask friends if they are interested
in adopting one or two of our pets. But, he was so hurt that it made me feel
like I had just stabbed him right in the heart.
The biggest turn off was later that same night of me asking him to get rid
of them, I walk into our office upstairs and he?s on the computer, crying as he?s
searching for a shelter for them. I finally had to tell him to just forget
about it, that I was just overwhelmed and that I would just live with it. Eventually,
we came up with a compromise to only get rid of one of them. We decided on one
of the cats that is the meanest of the 3. Months went by of me living with it.
We finally got married. We went on a 2 week honeymoon to Spain, had to bother
our family and friends with coming over every day to feed them, came back home
to a smelly litter box scented house and I thought for sure, the search for a
new home for one of them would start and, it hasn?t.
I?m at my wit?s end. I have no idea what to do anymore. It has gotten so bad
that I dread coming home everyday because the smell of the litter box grosses
me out. I sleep uncomfortably having to hear them run up and down our stairs
and clawing at our bedroom door. He spends hundreds of dollars on expensive
kitty litter to try and mask the smell but, it never works. I have to vacuum
and thoroughly clean the house 3 times a day to get rid of all the cat fur. It
has become so miserable that I?m considering staying at my mom?s house a couple
nights a week just to get a break from them. I need to know if I am going about
this the wrong way?
Re: Mean cat lady DD
I think her H should divorce the cat-hater. The cats put up with her sorry arse far longer than I would have. She should have never married him if she didn't want the package deal. What a heartless b-I-t-c-h for forcing him to pick one to abandon.
He is better off with the cats & losing that sorry excuse for a human.
Not that I feel strongly about this or anything. Shoot, he dumps her & everyone wins. She gets to live cat free & he gets to live free of her constant badgering.
So, if divorce isn't an option, what is?? He just needs to get rid of the cats? Well, if you want your H to resent and hate you for the rest of your marriage, cool, bring the cats to the shelter.
I thought he'd get rid of them once he married me!!!!!!!! WTF!?!?!
She's clearly wanting to hear that she's right and that he should get rid of the cats. No dice. We have three cats (mine from my single days, and two we adopted together) and our house isn't much larger than hers. AND I'm "slightly allergic" as well (same degree I think she is, based on what she said). But I love our fur babies, as does my H, and there really isn't a good solution for her situation.
She knew what the situation was before she got married, she went into it with her eyes wide open, and that's that. Nothing has changed except her attitude and her belief that things can/should change now. On that score, she's waaaay off. If you're old and mature enough to get married you should be old and mature enough to know that just because you want a situation to change, doesn't mean it will.
Allergy meds, a roomba and patience. That's all I have to suggest.
she sounds like a winner!
I actually don't believe her. I don't believe that she didn't want him to get rid of the cats from the start. I think she kept getting into the relationship deeper and deeper because she was waiting to see - when will HE make the "right" decision and get rid of them? She was testing him all along - I fully believe that. And when she finally cracked and told him "them or me", her anger was because SHE was the one who actually had to bring it up. She was pissed that he hadn't already come to that decision.
She thought his really liking her would do it, then she thought when she moved in, well, then, he'd do it. But no... oh wait, "now that we're engaged, SURELY he'll pick me".
THEN she thought marriage - you know, that thing that magically changes people and makes them do exactly what you want to do??? - marriage of course would finally be when he says "Yes, it's time to get rid of the cats".
And when none of that happened - NOW she realizes the situation she's in. She hates cats and is married to a man w/ 3 cats who won't give them up "for her". Ooopsie.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree 100% ECB.
This reminds me of the poster who married a man with children and was all butt hurt when he tended to said children.
Wtf did she expect?
He should divorce her for being a raging b?tch.
Absolutely, unequivocally correct!!!
Well, to be fair, dogs ARE way cooler than cats. Maybe she can find one of those shelters where you can swap lame pets (cats, turtles, birds) for awesome pets (dogs).
I feel sorry for her husband.
That image of him sitting at the computer crying and looking for shelters...but I have a bad feeling he's going to let her boss him around on this. She'll enlist the in-laws and he'll cave.
She clearly hated the cats from the get go and all of her descriptions make it clear she'll never really be able to tolerate them. I would dump her but I think her H is too much of a wimp.
I am floored that she actually proposed a "compromise" of "just getting rid of ONE of them". What?!?!?!? In a house their size, one more (Or one less) cat is not going to make a difference. "Animal lover", my ass.
I think her H needs to drop HER off at a no-kill shelter. Maybe some lonely schlub will come along one day and be all "Oh, she's older, not very bright and doesn't get along with other pets? Oh, that poor un-adoptable thing! I'll take her!"
I'm more than willing to start validating people's ideas when they start having ideas worth validating
Exactly.
That post really really grosses me out. A lot. And it's that attitude that puts so many pets in shelters. BLEH.
I hope the cats smother her in her sleep.
Too far?
Currently Reading: Don Quixote by Miguel De Cervantes
This. I am allergic to cats. That said, I did not marry someone who has 3 cats. With how bad my allergies are (my eyes get practically swollen shut when I can't resist the urge to pet a particularly cute cat), I could not handle being in a house with three cats, but I would never expect someone to get rid of their pets because of me- in fact, I wouldn't have much respect for them if they did.
More importantly, WTH is she doing with her life that she's home long enough to "clean the whole house 3x daily"? Someone has a touch of the stupid.
And ditto ECB.
II think that's true for 90% of cats...but now that I own one of the 10% of cats, well...I get it more. Some cats are familairs of, I dunno, nazis or something.
But I actually adore my devil cat.
I thought it was super mean that she was so turned off by her husband crying over having to give away a beloved pet. that's sad.
And if she's around to clean the house 3x daily, why not just clean out the cat box? Admittedly, I only have one cat, but he's an indoor only cat and our house is so tiny that the only place for the little box is in the kitchen. I clean out the little box every.single.time he poops because it makes the whole house smell bad.
So I clean it up.
What about putting the litter box in a laundry room or guest bathroom and getting one of those self-raking little boxes?
Yeah, I know, I'm missing the point. The point is that this woman is such a rigid biitch that a fur-free house is more important than her husband's happiness. I hope he runs.
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Bingo. He will be resentful. Fwiw, I think this is more about the fact that they are from past relationship. My fianc? has Kota from his marriage to ex wife, (German shep) and she's amazing. I would not be marrying him if I didn't love her as I would love my own pup. Also I think it speaks volumes about someone's character when they can just toss a pet aside or don't take care of them(or volumes about their lack of character). Also FIs ex tried to make him get rid of Kota ....After she insisted he get her in the first place. Along w another dog she didn't watch and who escaped their yard and was eaten by the neighbors Siberian husky. That wasn't the reason for divorce, but as you can see she was a pretty assmoronical person. ugh i feel bad of those cats.
I completely agree.