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Wheels are turning for divorce. Relieved, nervous, sad, and confused all at once
Well, stbx and I are moving forward on divorce. I am in the midst of so many emotions, I can't even comprehend them all. I hope this is normal. Sometimes, I am like "WTF am I doing?" Other times, I am relieved. Other times, I am sad. I don't even know how to feel. I wouldn't say I am ever happy -- we did have so many plans for the future and there is still a part of me that can't let go of that dream of us moving together back to our home state, building a home, and just moving forward in our lives together after he's out of the military in three years. I am having a really, really hard time letting that picture go as it has been the focus of us getting through military life together and has been our goal since we married almost nine years ago.
The hardest thing now is that we have to wait three months to go our separate ways as we are closing out at one duty station and in order for me to move and have it financially covered, I have to wait till we go to the next one. I'll be following stbx to his next duty station, but living in the city nearest him, about 45 minutes away, so I can keep the kids near him.
We've figured out how we are going to divide our retirement accounts (50/50), how much he will pay in child support (he is increasing child support payment a few hundred per month over the state dictated amount in exchange for me agreeing not to touch his military pension -- which I wouldn't do anyway), and I've begun to look at my own potential budget and living arrangement options.
I plan to take a big vacation with friends to Costa Rica in July to decompress from all of this. At least I have that to look forward to...
I also have three potential job offers -- all of which will allow me to work from home full-time (as I do now as a freelancer). I am hoping one of them will pay well enough for me to have some financial security. They all sound like great jobs. Hoping for some closure/official offers on that by next week so that I can stop freaking out about money.
Our families don't know about this yet. Unfortunately, we are taking a cruise with his parents in April and we are visiting my mom for three weeks in April. Our counselor has advised us not to tell anyone until around mid-May so that we can work out all the details and present this as a united front. At that point, we plan on just doing some sort of a phone call with all of our family at once and letting them know that we want this to be a healthy break, that we are still friends, that we plan to keep our family together (even if we're not married, we want to continue to live near one another and raise our kids together), and that there will be no bad-mouthing of either party as we still care for one another and will be putting the kids first.
Everything has been going well with the exception of the occasional blowout from stbx. Last night, for example, we were at the club on base and dh had a couple of beers. The next thing I know, he was raising his voice at me and degrading me in front of others...it was just a reminder of the abuse I've taken over the years and why I am moving forward. But other than the occasional outburst from him and him reverting to his verbally abusive ways on occasion, I guess it's going as well as possible.
I'm not looking for anything...just had to put this out there somewhere.
ETA: Sorry for the novel. I guess I was a little wordy.
Re: Wheels are turning for divorce. Relieved, nervous, sad, and confused all at once
((hugs)) Everything you are feeling is totally normal. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel all of the ups and downs that are coming your way. Also make sure you take care of your kids during this tough time.
I don't understand the need to move together and avoid telling family, but that's just me. I hope you can manage okay during the next few months.
If he is degrading you in public your counselor is a *** for making you keep it private from your family. I think that is a terrible idea.
Also, him degrading you in public would make me think twice about being "friends" with him...
And you don't HAVE to go on vacation with his family.
I think you're naive about this process and you care way too much about what people might think.
You don't have to tell people that you want an amicable split and you don't have to make it a big announcement. If you are micable with your stbx and don't badmouth him, people will get it.
Also, why are you going on vacation with his family? You don't have to pretend to be a happy family when you're not. Just say that you are separating and won't be coming. Be assertive, stand up for yourself and do things for you and not for others or according to others. It is possible to set boundaries and still be respectful of your stbx. It's not one way or the other.