Family Matters
mcongdon18
member
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advice on situation
Background: This isn't my home board but I do feel like I need some other opinions about going to her wedding and how to handle the situation. My mom was told she had a questionable mass and told me exact words " I feel fine do not worry, your father was sick when he had cancer Im sure its just a fibroid and Im fine. The size is small and either way its easily treated. She did tell me how depressed her bf was and I asked why because she kept ressasurring me her history of non-cancerous tumors and how she felt fine and she isn't going to worry till there is something to worry about" After updating about my mom and how "positive" she was and spending the day with her yesterday apparently things are much worse then what she led me to believe. Yesterday started with talking to her on the phone and we got carried away and I ended up late. I joking said omg you kept me on the phone Ill be a few min and she screamed "Don't freakin snap at me" I said huh and said I was joking no biggie thought you were a little peeved I was a few min late. Something told me I should stay home. We went to lunch ( while shopping for a wedding dress because she decided she is marrying her long time boyfriend now that there was a chance she had breast cancer, I might also add because he has better health coverage and hers won't cover cancer) at lunch I said what about vegas and she slammed her fist and screamed "because I might need treatment if Im sick and we need the paper now we can't wait".We started discussing what was going on and how she told everyone to "prepare for the worst" and I replied saying she had told me it was likely a fibroid and that she felt fine and really reassured me that there was a small chance but don't worry. She then screamed out how her radiologist told her that she most likely is sick. Which I wasn't sure why she was telling us all this at dave n busters which was pretty emotional. I called me husband and he was stunned and said uhmm ya she didn't really tell you the whole portion or the whole truth of it.I didn't argue with her but did say that I wish she would have told me upfront because everything seems ways different now. She also reassured me that they were getting married because they wanted to and because either way it was a good idea and now the only reason seems to be to get her better health coverage. My brother sat there and told me that I should be happy she is alive right now and she's the only parent I have and I need to suck it up. Im not sure what I did wrong? I just was stated that she had not told me full story of how bad this was.We go to the car and she said I set out to ruin her day for her and that was my goal. I tried to say I was sorry but this was a lot to take in, on the way to the car and she screamed and made a scene and said this doesn't need to be made public. Uhm wasn't she the one to open this up at lunch in a public place? All because I mentioned vegas? My brother and younger step sister leave the car and said to work it out, I once again said sorry but this was so different then what she led me to believe. There was a chance but not that big and easily treated. She said Im sorry you don't remember you little b!tch. I got out of the car and said ok Im through I don't need to be treated that way. While my brother drove the car down the street yelling you will regret this get over yourself. Sister in law picked me up then got text from my mother boyfriend saying " you deserved to be called a b!tch and your so selfish and I cannot believe you and don't come around anymore we will deal with this ourselves she doesn't need this stress when she is most likely sick".Uhm Im just not sure If I should go to the wedding or what I should do? I really don't think anything was right and everything was blown way out of proportion. Its like they expected me to just shut up and not say a word when she decided to blow up on me. She cut me off telling me call me when you want to discuss Im sorry and we can work it out, she keeps calling, yet when I finally said ok where was the miscommunication yesterday and tried to resolve it she said well its done and I won't keep repeating myself. Uhm ok.Would you even bother going to the disfunctional wedding? I feel even though her boyfriend had no right to get involved I don't feel welcome around there anymore at all. I guess I wonder what other people would do and how they would handle it? Just a month ago my mom was calling her soon to be step daughter a slut and how lazy her bf was..uhmm ok now your getting married?
Re: advice on situation
This was a vent but Im also so unsure on how to handle this situation I feel like nothing I do is right and just considered "selfish" my mom sits there angry yet just texted me saying she was sorry and she hopes I will be there yet at her house it seemed like she just wanted me to leave. After calling me brother again he acted like nothing was wrong and he was just shopping for a car and said ehh its fine just appoligize to mom now. UGh huh ??
Obviously I want to support her but there is a part of me that can't believe her bf sent me two hurtful disgusting hate-filled texts when he didn't even know what happened. He's a total first class D-bag. He doesn't care for his kids all left him and don't talk to him so did all of his 3 ex wives.
How would you handle this and go about this? Obviously its her life but I can't stand to be around her bf.
21 and married? Feeling like the only sane person in that family.
46 and 41?
I'm really confused by your post and unclear what is going on. My first thought though is you need to give your mom a break, yes she should have told you but maybe she didn't want to worry you for nothing or was too scared to tell you what she suspected. Either way, she's probably still scared and she shouldn't have taken it out on you but it sounds like she's not dealing well with her diagnosis. Probably harder since she lost her first husband to cancer?
Call her and tell her you're sorry you didn't know what was going on and she must be very worried and stressed and what does she need from you that will help her. Maybe you can find some support resources for both of you in your area.
She sounds scared to me. I'd cut her some slack over outbursts and being overly sensitive to some things.
I wrote this post kind of fast and tho it could seem I tried to turn it into being about myself but I really didn't I tried to keep telling my mom I really didn't know the severity of the situation yet she kept yelling and screaming saying I was lying. I was the only calm one yesterday and tried to really resolve the issue today and that it caught me off gaurd yet she still felt the need to yell and cause a scene about "how bad it is" when she has told me how positive and how fine everything is all last week. In a sense it seems night and day really. I know she's scared but I still felt from her bf telling me to stay away was just uncalled for. If being selfish was leaving after she called me a b!tch I only did it because I knew where this was heading and did not want more hurtful things to be said.
I'll be honest--to me, you don't come off very well in this post. You sound judgmental about why she is marrying her boyfriend. I think needing treatment for cancer is a damn good reason, assuming they are already committed and so forth.
Your mother doesn't sound like a prize either but you sound very self-centered. She is clearly upset about a cancer diagnosis. She does not seem to be handling it well but you are making this more about you than you should.
I think you should go to the wedding. I'm not sure why you are calling is a dysfunctional wedding. Your mother could die (sorry to be so harsh but you don't seem to be getting this). This wedding should be a happy time in what could be a difficult period. Don't go though if you are going to make it all about you and sit there judging it.
I understand why they are doing it and I want her to get treatment if she has to. But I guess this all caught me off guard when she gave me a night and day response from what she had told me before. I literally sat there and said Im sorry I didn't realize the severity of this situation and she flew off the handle. I can't seem to do anything right. Im scared for her and we are very close. I can get how I was trying to make it about me but I really wasn't I said I was sorry and she screamed and made a scene. Then blamed me for ruining her day. I guess its hard to grasp she could die when just last week i was told its a fibroid and i feel fine and everything is ok I dont have cancer I know it.
I completely understand why you left at that point. I would have too. But you didn't answer my question if this behavior is out of the ordinary for her. If it is, it probably is just fear on her part, and she may not have told you the severity of the situation originally for multiple reasons- either she didn't want to worry you, or may have been in denial herself. So if it is new behavior, I would probably approach her with something like-
"Mom, I understand that you are going through a very difficult time. I am very worried about you, and can't imagine how scary this situation is for you. That said, I was very hurt by the name calling- I wasn't trying to be insensitive, you simply hadn't told me the severity of the situation. I want to be supportive of you, but I don't appreciate being called names, that is unacceptable to me. Do you think we can move forward and put this behind us, and proceed forward trying to be more understanding to each other?"
And I would really expect her to at least apologize for what she called you. And cut her a little slack, because really, she must be terrified. However, if this IS a constant behavior in your family (which I sort of suspect because of your brother's actions, as well as your mother's boyfriend's actions), I might recommend distancing yourself a little from the situation. I did say that it sounded like everyone in this situation was being immature- I don't know you, and you may be a very mature, intelligent person. The point is, when you engage people who aren't, they tend to bring you down to their level. I say this as someone who was in a situation like that- one of my ex boyfriends brought out the worst in me, and it took me a while to realize that dating him and engaging in his drama was making me act in ways I wasn't proud of. So I broke up with him. Obviously, you can't break up with family as easily as a boyfriend, but you CAN either teach them how to treat you by showing them what you will and will not tolerate, and distance yourself if they will not respect you.
For what it's worth, I'm sorry your situation is so frustrating, and I hope you don't take my post as trying to be offensive.
your post isn't offensive its honest. The way it went down at lunch to me just could have been handled better. I did say I was sorry to her and I should have been more supportive but I was so shocked at the severity and the night and day of situation it was different for me.
This is my moms typical personality sometimes. You can talk to her and she thinks you are snapping at you. such as me telling her Im so sorry this is so much Im sorry and her screaming stop making this public when she is the one screaming. she tells me well talk later and so does my brother and they hang up on me to call me back within min. multiple time and send 12 texts at a time.
Maybe its just me but I also would never tell me moms bf kids couldn't be around him and to stay away and to "handle things myself".To me thats uncalled for.
I know I can't break up with my family nor would I want to but I have never seen such drama, yelling and just poor communication. Things could have been brought up in such a different way.
You are so right. She has every right to call me a b!itch and after years of bitching about how my father had cancer and how he treated us and how his family treated us. You would think that she would say ok hey things were hard this way and we need to be a close-nit family and handle this together. Im sorry but communication is important and although stressed she can never be wrong. I was NEVER aloud to treat people like *** because I was hurting.
Your mother acted very badly.
That being said, is this new behavior for her? Is she often like this? When did she start acting like this, always? Since she starting dating the D-bag? Since she discovered she had cancer?
If her going crazy off the handle is just behavior since her diagnosis, I'd give her a free pass. She has the same disease (although maybe a different manifistation) that killed your dad. She has young (teen?) children to take care of. Clearly, this was a shock. Maybe she didn't want to talk about her diagnosis over the phone. Maybe she was afraid she'd burst into tears. Maybe she wants to beat the big C via "positive thinking" - whatever. As hard as it is to deal with your mother having cancer, I can guarantee it is 100x worse to BE a 41 year old mother with cancer. Go to her wedding not because you approve of her choice in men, but because you love your mother and want to support HER, if not her marriage.
If she has been abusive for a long time (always) or at least since the started dating her current BF, you have a different problem. You deserve to be treated with respect, by both your mother and her BF. If calling and apologizing will only smooth things over until the next time your mom decides to beat you emotionally, then don't call her and don't go to her wedding - and be prepared to deal with the fallout with your mom and siblings.
Seriously?! Even if someone has cancer they don't get to get away with treating people badly. That is not normal. I can't think of one person that would even speak to me/treat me like that even if they had just been diagnosed with cancer. (FWIW a handful of my family members have gone into remission or died from cancer.)
OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think you should set boundaries with anyone who treats you that way. Say "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that. Call me back when you're calm." And hang up. Or leave if you're in person. GL.
For the LOVE OF GOD. She does not know she has cancer and is getting results in the morning. Im sorry but I don't think anything that happened yesterday was necessary all because I said I didn't know the extent about it and didn't warrant being called a b!tch. Which other posters have even said uncalled for and just making situation worse. If you believe that I should sit there and be a punching bag because someone is hurt I won't do that. I will support and love her but not be a *** punching bag all because I was "misinformed" simple miscommunication does not warrant such an outburst and immaturity.
Another thing she is in no way shape or form dying. She might have cancer but once again assured us that the size was small and could easily would be removed and all would be ok....where does dying come in?
There was nothing out of that story. I get yelled at cause I asked about a vegas wedding? I get screamed at for saying Im sorry I didn't realize the severity of this situation. I get called a b!tch because I "didn't remember" for her then to retract her statement and mind game and say oh well it was hard to tell you. I understand thats a very hard thing to say and things went way out of control but communicating better should have been done.
Another thing she is in no way shape or form dying. She might have cancer but once again assured us that the size was small and could easily would be removed and all would be ok....where does dying come in?
wow...obviously you should do some research on cancer. the size of the tunor has nothing to do with the stage or where it has spread to. your age is showing again.
Im not going to sit here and argue with a stranger about "how it happened" Im sorry Im not a person to make something up to post on a forum. Im sorry I don't belive because she has a small questionable mass (that she thinks is a fibroid at first) that I need to be told be happy she is alive right now. And because I wouldn't ride home with her after being called a name and be her punching bag. THAT is how it happened straight up. I brought up vegas and she flipped off the handle. Does it say crazy written all over it that my brother got off the phone with me to then call multiple times and write 12 texts at once? Then chase me down the street causing a scene? Or the fact that I called him today and he answered saying "Whats up n!gga" "oh sorry Im looking at brand new cameros right now" and acting as tho everything was fine? Your kidding right? Ya your soooooo right Im the one playing victim and the one at fault here ? Don't even get me started about my mother fiance. This is what they do...create a scene and cause a huge fit instead we could have talked rationally and then the next day everything is all hunky dory wooohooo!!! Your seriously joking.
Once again...Something my mother told me. I am I wrong that the smaller the tumor the better the chance because that is what she told me a few nights ago. She said her doctor didn't seem concerned at all. Then she tells me that by looking at it radioligist does think cancer. Are those 2 statements not conflicting???? Its sooo different going from its a fibroid... to its most likely cancer and we need to prepare for the worst. Can you maybe possible see why all this was hard to grasp from what she last told me until now?????
obviously you haven't either because just looked it up and found " In general the smaller the size the better the chance for survival rate" (Doctors describe smaller than 2cm) which hers IS. What's next your going to attack me on?
I wasn't going to respond til I saw your last post. You posted a vent about the way your mother treated you. In return, you are getting super defensive in responses from people. They are not your friends and family, this is the Internet. People will say things that will grate on your nerves. But I find your responses a little immature. That being said, cancer or not your mom is some sort of sick, right? A tumor is a tumor. Size or shape does not always have bearing how the outcome will be.
Sickness is a stressor. People react differently. If you're asking for advice, I would tell you to suck it up, apologize for your behavior and be there for your mother. I'm not saying that the way she treated was right but in an adult life you should pick your battles. You don't have to be bffs but if it may possibly be cancer then you might regret things later. Tell her she hurt you but be open and receptive in return.