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guys, i'm tired (LONG)
i need help. we have been together for 13 years and i have taken the lead role in my relationship and i'm exhausted. my husband does not pull his weight. oddly, i'm not talking about chores, which is a wife's normal complaint. he does some chores and i'm thankful for that. i do do more but i also rationalize that my level of clean is higher than his. fortunately he takes the trash out without being asked and is all over the dishes (i can even leave them in the sink if i want and he'll clean them and put them in the dishwasher and empty the dishwasher). i definitely do the vacuuming, mopping, dusting, kitty litter, etc. so now that i think of it... maybe i should be pissed about that, too. but i digress!
my problem is, my husband does not use a computer and is therefore not resourceful at all. i get tired of taking care of everything for us. the house was mine and he moved in, so i'm in charge of ALL maintenance. if something needs to be done, i can tell him to do it and he may or may not do it, but he takes no ownership of the house whatsever. so in other words, he would never think to take care of things himself. i feel like a landlord at time. i hate having his to do list and mine.
when we go to a movie, i look up the times. when we go on vacation, i make all the arrangements. i feel like he takes care of himself only and it doesn't occur to him to look outside his bubble. so right now i am taking care of me, and us. and he is taking care of him. if i am tired now, how will this be if we have a kid?
i am getting resentful. i am at a period of my life when i need someone to take care of me for a change. when he has a medical issue, i look up the information for him and tell him what to tell the doctor. when i have a medical issue, it's up to me and me alone.
we have talked about this and it usually comes out at an inopportune moment. like when we're playing cards and i say, "you shuffle them!!!" because he never learned to shuffle cards so i have to always shuffle. so silly, right, but it's symbolic to me of everything in our life. and of course when it comes out like this he thinks i'm being ridiculous. i do try to talk to him outside of the heat of the moment but it doesn't get through.
we are in counseling. i'm hoping it will help. i'm ready to buy my h an ipad but i'm afraid it will collect dust. when we were in high school, we didn't have the internet (i know, crazy!!!) then my h went into the navy, and then into electrical work. so he never learned to use a computer. he needs a new phone and my mom has a 3G iphone she said she would give to him but he didn't want it.
help! i'm frustrated!!! (and thanks for reading this far)
Re: guys, i'm tired (LONG)
Aw, I'm sorry you've gotten to a really frustrated point, but I completely understand why you are at that point. It sounds like you really put a lot of work into taking care of the relationship and the household.
Hopefully counseling will help. Did you guys just start going?
I am pretty baffled that your H doesn't use a computer at all. I would really think that he'd need to take a class or get some kind of computer experience since everything is so computerized right now. Does that not interest him at all?
Aw MD, I'm sorry.
While I can relate a bit, I know my H is not that extreme. He'll call maintenance if we have an issue with the apt and he takes all the initiative in the car's maintenance. But keeping track of all the bills and making sure they all get paid usually falls to me.
Hopefully the counselor can help. I'm not sure what the best way to communicate with your H is, but what if you wrote down all the things that bother you. Like the things above you listed. Some times my H would rather read an email with what is wrong instead of hearing it from me. Then he can read it in his own time. Maybe even bringing the list to the counselor would help having someone mediate your points.
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Sounds exhausting, MD! I am not sure how to help, other than verbalizing your frustrations to him, which I'm sure you're doing in therapy. I'm happy to hear you're in therapy. It's a lot of work, especially when you're trying to make the adjustments after living like this for so many years. People tend to get comfortable and it sounds like he forgot that he is the man. Good luck!
I am jealous that your H doesn't give you a hard time about making all decisions. It could be the compelte opposite, like in my house, where my H won't do crap unless it's his idea or he came up with it. I couldn't even book our most recent flights until he spoke to his parents about it, even though I had been in communication with his parents about making the plans and such. It's frustrating b/c he has to be "large and in charge", constantly being reminded that he runs the show. I don't mind, sometimes it's an ego thing.
Does your H have low selfesteem? Maybe somehow you can let him know that YOU need the help. Seems to be a theme.
thanks guys. i'm feeling a little better after a marathon of therapy between my appointment with my own therapist this afternoon and then our appointment together tonight. both therapists pointed out some of my own, ahem, issues that might contribute to things
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thanks schmooze for pointing out that the grass isn't always greener. and yes, my h does have low self-esteem.
Sorry you are feeling this way and I'm glad your feeling better after today.
I don't get the whole no computer thing, but I have extremely low tolerance for low tech people LOL.
Good! Sounds like progress to me!! Now you're aware, you can make changes. Think from a positive point of view!