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Live near parents or friends?
So DH and I live about 90 minutes from both sets of parents (they live about 10 minutes from each other). We have lived here since I went to college in the area. DH has a great job working for the State, and I am employed but looking to get a job in a school (which is really hard in this economy). Both sets of parents want us to move back to the area we both grew up in but we have a life and friends where we are. Here are some basic pros and cons for living where we are vs where our parents live:
Location A: Where we grew up...Pros=living close to parents as they get older, I could get a job in a school easier through connections, future children would be close to grandparents...Cons=we don't have friends there, more rural area, concerned about in-laws causing stress in our relationship
Location B: Where we live now...Pros=close to friends, more urban area with lots to do...Cons=no connections to jobs in a school, future children wouldn't be as close to grandparents
Is anyone else weighing their options on whether to live close to parents or not? Can we maybe get some "votes" on my two options? Any words of wisdom would be helpful!
TIA!
Re: Live near parents or friends?
Honestly, why is this a question? Your husband has a good job. You like where you live. You don't have any children at this time. Don't move.
Reconsider this idea when you do have kids, but you don't even have to then.
If you like where you live, stay. Honestly, 90 minutes is NOTHING. My husband and I have lived 4200 miles away from family for the last 4 years, and are SO excited to be moving 900 miles away. Granted, that is not ideal for most people. But, 90 minutes is not a distance that will prevent your kids from knowing their grandparents. Even with how far I am away from my family right now, I think I am am closer with them than when I lived in the same house.
I also think that the fact that you seem to like how urban your current area is more is a good reason to stay, especially for now. If you change your mind when you have kids, no big deal to move- it's only an hour and a half away!
If you like where you live, I agree, stay. I live very close to my parents and it IS very nice to have their support w/ DS. But - it's not a given. I know a lot of people whose parents either said "we'll help/ watch your kids" or just expressed an interest in being "really" involved - and it never really came to fruition. Either the grandparents are too busy, or realized what a young child means energy wise, or.... who knows why. But- they aren't as involved as they said. Sure, their kdis see the grandparents, but it's more of a "hey, we'll come visit for a meal and a little while" and that's it. It's not about the grandparents REALLY being active/involved in their grandkids lives.
So - I don't know that Id give up an area that I like and that offers a lot JUST for the concept of "being near the grandparents". When, w/ a 90 minute drive, you could actually still have about that same level of involvement.
Also- what does where you live now have to offer your kids? It's more than just grandparents. It's schools, it's activities, it's opportunities down the road.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
You like where you live, have good friends, are gainfully employed, and live only 90 minutes from your parents? I guess I don't see why you'd even be questioning whether or not to move.
We live 3 1/2 hours from our parents, so our girls don't get to see them or their cousins as much as I'd like. But I still wouldn't uproot them from a good home, with great schools, where DH has a stable job he loves, just to be a little closer. Grandparents are only one part of the equation and sure, all other things being *equal* I'd take the house closer to my family. But that's not the case for me, nor does it seem to be the case for the OP (who doesn't even have kids to worry about yet).
To the bolded: Were they the first ones to bring it up? Or were you guys the first ones to mention it?
It sounds like you don't want to move. I wouldn't move to be in a town that neither of you would be working without a plan. I would stay where you are untill kids come into the picture and then re-evaluate your priorities and where you want to live.
We will be moving into the city that we both grew up in in April. It will be a 90 minute comuteeach way 3-4 times a month to get to one of my jobs. That isn't very long for where we will be living at all.
I empathize with you. H and I live 2.5 hours from my parents. (His are OOS.)
95% of our friends are in our area. H has a good job and has gotten two promotions in the 3.5 years he's worked there. H loves it here and never wants to live anywhere else.
I have had the hardest time getting any kind of full time job in my field (education, so not a surprise). I have almost no connections in the much bigger area we currently live in.In my hometown where my parents still live I have tons of connections and could very easily get a full time job. When we have kids we'll have no family around to help out and I'm not silly enough to think that friends will be able to help unless it's a weekend/week night. My very involved noninstrusive parents are always are willing to watch my niece & nephew and would do the same for any other grandkids they have in the future. My sisters (who also live in my hometown) would help out any time as well.
FWIW I'm well aware we can use child care, care.com etc etc for our future kids.
For now we'll live 2.5 hours away. H and I agreed to revisit the topic when he's been working for his company for 5 years. (He wants to stay for 5 years before moving to another company.) So we have 1.5 years left before we make any changes.
Thank you so much for chiming in, ladies!
I'm happy where we are. I guess what prompted my post was the fact that just in the past week, my mom has brought up us moving closer every time I've talked to her. And the idea is nice - my parents are amazingly supportive and easy to have a relationship with. But moving close to them would mean moving close to my in-laws, and DH and I both agree that the space we have now from his parents is ideal. It just breaks my heart a little that my parents miss both of us but we don't go out of our way to visit because we would have to see my in-laws and they drive us nuts.
And yes, we don't have any children yet. But DH and I want to start a family in the next couple years. It makes sense to start thinking about where we want to be.
*Tori & Steve*
Planning Bio!!
Eh, I would actually argue that when you go to see your parents, you actually don't HAVE to also see your IL's. Not every time. You really don't.... It's not about "tit for tat". It's about seeing people as you want to see them, as often as you do.
We're kind of similar- my parents are very easy to spend time w/, my IL's are not. My IL's ALWAYS want to go on vacation w/ us - the idea makes us cringe. here and there, we will conceed to a long weekend at the beach where we have control of getting there/home, etc.
however, we've vacationed w/ my parents too and enjoyed it, and are doing so again this year for a full week. We have thoughts of going to Europe w/ them in a couple years when DS is older.
We don't feel ANY need to make it even! We just don't. It's our time and we're going to spend it in a way that we enjoy.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with this.
My parents and ILs live in the same state, about an hour from each other but still much closer together than DH and I are to either family. I take my DDs to visit my parents whenever I can. We're going for four or five days over their Spring Break, for example. But when I do, I don't feel like I *have* to call my ILs and arrange a time for them to see the girls while we're there. We take other opportunities, like Easter and Christmas Eve, to visit the ILs. They're certainly welcome to come here now and again if they want more time with their grandchildren; that they choose not to is their problem. I don't have any guilt about not filling that gap.
Your in-laws don't have to know that you're visiting your parents.
Also, do your parents ever come out to see you guys? Why not suggest that they come visit more, or that you meet in the middle?
If you're happy where you are, then stay there. Tell your parents that it's not up for discussion. Or keep bugging THEM about moving closer to YOU and see if they get the hint.
I agree. Where do you live where 90 mins is a drive? Takes DH that long to get to work in the morning. I will say though, being around parents and ILs when you have children is amazing so keep that in mind.