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Wedding invitation related
I'm curious as to people's reactions to this.
Bride and groom are paying for their own wedding. In bride's extended family, weddings are seen as family reunions. To not invite "everyone" can upset many people.
She chooses to not invite everyone - and this largely amounts to cousins on her level of the family tree. Some cousins are invited, some are not. She's basing this on who she has a relationship with vs who she doesn't. If she's hardly had a conversation w/ a certain cousin in her entire life, she isn't inviting them. But the cousins she feels there is more there, she's inviting.
To take it one step further, cousins A & B are brothers. She has had some kind of relationship w/ cousin A over the years. Both he and his spouse have made the effort to see her/her family over the years even though they live in a different city. Cousin B lives in the same city as she/her family does but they never, ever see him. Her family has tried, over the years, to contact him, see him, etc. These efforts go largely unanswered. She can't recall really ever having a conversation with him. She doesn't invite him to the wedding.
Imagine you're either cousin A or B (again, brothers) or even their parents - what is your reaction to A being invited but B isn't? (Parents are invited)
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Re: Wedding invitation related
This is happening to me, a cousin is getting married but I'm not invited, my parents are and I think my sister.
I don't care bc I couldn't pick the girl out of a line up. I cannot get al butt hurt when we live a mere 8 hours away and I've never contacted her in 12 years. Dems da breaks.
well, if they are used to weddings being family reunions, i'm sure they will be surprised and a bit hurt that cousin b isn't invited.
hopefully, they can understand where the bride and groom are coming from since they are paying for the whole thing themselves. weddings are expensive!
Also I have a really hard time believing men care about this sh?t.
If someone wants to play pouty face, then they can contribute money to their wedding so extra people, whom the bride will probably never speak to again, can attend the wedding of a relative they couldn't see fit to have a relationship despite efforts made by the bride and/or her family.
People are nuts.
I think it's rude to invite the parents and cousin A but not cousin B. It's purposely excluding him and I would never do it. I don't think the difference in inviting B and his wife would break the wedding budget. Even if you have five situations like that (which I doubt), that's 10 extra people. I don't know what they're paying per person, but even at what I paid (which was a lot), ten extra people wouldn't have been THAT much extra money.
To each their own though...it's all about what you want your wedding to be. If it's only about you and you don't care if you hurt your family's feelings, then you have to make decisions that way.
I'm pretty cold-hearted and even I think that's a tad messed up. I get her not inviting everyone but to invite the entire family sans one brother? Even I wouldn't do that.
That said, it's her wedding and I doubt the brother even cares.
I had this same issue when writing up my guest list. My mother's side of the family is huge with many many cousins, most of which I am not close to or don't speak to at all. I do have a few that I am close with, but I opted to invite none of them rather than a few and not others.
I don't take offense to not getting an invite to someone's wedding unless I was close to them, but a cousin I don't speak to? Okay no big deal. I also recognize that a lot of people get very funny about weddings and do not have the same attitude as me.
I think that all cousins on the same level should be invited regardless of whether or not they talk to them. Imagine how her aunt/uncle feel about the fact that one of their kids is being invited and the other is not. If they really don't have a relationship with him, then he will likely not come to the wedding, but should be invited IMO.
I'm having somewhat of a similar issue. I have two cousins that are brother and sister. They do not get along at all. If I invite both of them, neither of them will attend my wedding. If I invite one of them then that one will come but the other will be bent out of shape over it. I really don't think it should be my responsibility to have to choose sides. My aunt and uncle will be upset either way.
Anyway...I can see how it could be a bad situation
i think that's so immature of your cousins mort. this wedding isn't about them, it's about you and your FI.
It is very immature and they are essentially asking family to choose sides. Another one of my cousins just got married and only invited one of them because she was in her wedding. My aunt and uncle felt really bad about the fact that she didn't invite both of them. I can see where she was coming from in only inviting one of them, but our cousins that don't get along shouldn't have put her in that situation to begin with. Actually, it's the spouses of my cousins that started it all.
Thanks for the responses. The details:
DH is Cousin A and we're invited. His brother is not. And to one response - you're right, they are guys and don't care!
Based on MY count, including spouses, we're talking 40 people that I know of.
I find it odd to do this, but I also fully respect the brides choice. She and I were emailing about it yesterday. She fully recognizes that she'll be upsetting family, but at the same time, w/ BIL - she's never even had a conversation with him!
DH and I are frustrated w/ BIL ourselves and his absolute lack of effort w/ his own immediate family. he comes to see stay w/ their parents for a weekend here and there - it's always last minute, he never contacts us, he makes NO effort to see DS, and we can't ask him to make plans to do anything because he simply won't commit.
This is his own immediate family! He's like this w/ us? I have no doubt that he makes even less effort w/ anyone else in the family.
What I find kind of ironic - MIL has been butt hurt for years that we (all of us) weren't invited to the wedding of another cousin. To the degree that she ended a really good relationship w/ the parents of the groom over this. (Which I find to be ridiculous).
But to this present situation - she understands and is "fine" w/ it. I think the first situation (none of us being invited) is far less rude than this situation, but this is the situation she isn't upset about....???
In the end, I think she's actually more sad that her son makes NO effort and is kind of at the point that it's on him now. It's not her battle to fight or be mad about.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
that's even worse! what a mess.
Mort, in your situation, you invite everyone and they have to deal with who is coming or not coming. You don't have to play judge and jury between them, just do the polite thing (inviting both) and let them hash it out when they RSVP.
I really don't understand how adults can be so ridiculous. You can't be in the same room with someone for a few hours, really? Especially at a wedding...it's not like it's some close intimate get together where you have to talk and hug and sit around a dinner table together. I really think poorly of people who do this type of thing.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
yeah, I think it's weird to specifically invite one brother and the parents and not the other, but it doesn't sound like your BIL would go anyway so I'd totally invite him. lol.
and morty, ITA with abs: invite everyone and let their asses sort it out themselves.
I have a super-small family, and the family I do have is extended to the point I've never met most of them, so take this with a grain of salt.
If the family is close, all family members of a specific level in a specific clan should have been invited (especially if it's someone who has a proven track record of not showing up anyways). If the family isn't close, then cherry-pick as you like. I think geography plays a role too - if someone is local then definitely invite. I can see leaving out a random cousin who lives in Japan.
The last family wedding I was invited to was for a second cousin I had never met, but my brother had. I didn't go. My parents and my brother did.
Totally fine not to go, but you were invited. So they did their part in terms of the etiquette.
How many weddings a year do you have in your H's family? It seems like a lot!
As to the question, etiquette be damned. If he hasn't responded to repeated efforts to have a relationship, I wouldn't invite the dude either.
I am with ESD.
Personally, I would just invite the family as a whole. To me, its not worth the drama involved that could spiral into years of resentment or drama.
I was "disinvited" to a good friend's wedding because the bride actively hated my guts. Then again, she hated all of his female friends. So we all got the boot. Turns out years later she'd been cheating on him the entire time & they divorced. I was a little bit hurt, but ultimately I don't like to be present at an event where I am not welcome.
I doubt the brother would care in the long run, but mostly it would set the family's tongues a waggin'. If the bride/groom can handle the gossip, drama and general feelings of the family as a whole-- then stick to that plan.
I truly get why people would find this rude or would be offended by it. It absolutely goes against etiquette. I do get it.
But knowing BIL as we know him, and how apathetic he is about maintaining relationships - at what point do you just say "You don't get a free meal and drinks and really fun night out if you can't ever bother to make ANY effort to see our family at all.". To a certain degree, I feel like this is holding him responsible for his actions (or lack of!).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I do agree with you on this too. I have conflicting opinions!