Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Friends younger having kids
Not sure I'm posting this in the right section - if I'm not please let me know and I'll put it elsewhere.
I just turned 34 a little over a week ago. My husband and I were married 6 months as of the 3rd. Originally before we got married we'd talked about trying to have kids a few months after the wedding (yeah, I know, that was WAY too soon) ... then we decided to wait until the spring, which is almost upon us. Then I started thinking summer.
Most of my friends on Facebook who graduated with me from high school (and are the same age or slightly younger), and even others who are a few years younger, already have kids and most of them have their baby's photo as their profile pic. I can't help but feel a little jealous and start thinking that I might be getting too old to have kids. I guess 34 isn't really too old, my mom had me at 31 which was considered a little "old" at that time, and people are having kids later. But I can't help feeling like I should hurry up or I'll miss the boat, if I haven't already.
I'm on birth control... mainly to ease up PMS symptoms, but also because I'm having a few issues with hubby and I don't want to have a baby until they're all cleared up. Things seem to be going better, but I still want to be totally sure that it'll be okay before even thinking of trying to conceive.
I've got all these things nagging at me, like I don't want to be too old when I have kids and be in my 60s/70s when they graduate high school, the worries that I'll be too infertile to have kids, and then the whole "you're suddenly at much higher risk at 35 for all sorts of difficulties" thing. I know, I'm a big worrier. A professor I had in college had two healthy little girls when she was in her early 40s and didn't have any problems. I guess anything can happen.
Is it normal to feel a little jealous/bitter? Am I doing the right thing by waiting if things aren't 100% perfect w/hubby? Or am I just going to be at greater risk for complications? I have my yearly checkup with my OB/GYN in a few weeks - for a while I'd thought about talking to him about TTC but now that I'm waiting a little more I probably shouldn't say anything...
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Re: Friends younger having kids
You're totally doing the right thing.
Have sex on a Saturday afternoon in a pile of money if you're having doubts.
we all fall down sometimes
brass and ballet flats
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
You're old enough to know better to rush TTC just because all your friends have kids. The fact you and your H are having issues should be your only focus. There's nothing wrong with looking at your friends with some jealousy because they have kids and you don't yet, but their haves and have nots should have no effect on your actions.
And if you were 70 when your kid graduated from high school, that means you had them when you were 52. That's medical miracle territory. Or your kid took a long time to graduate.
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
You're doing the right thing.
If it makes you feel better my parents are "old" compared to those that I graduated from HS with (in fact I currently have a co-worker exactly 20 years older than me who has parents the same age as I do). It never really affected me growing up except that my mom never dressed like Peg Bundy the way other moms did. Now, it only affects me in that my parents are 10 or so years old than my BFs parent and that is odd when we're talking about things like how long they have until retirement. That's about it though.
Thanks for the advice, guys. I guess I'm just feeling a little extra down today with all the baby stuff on Facebook, plus a friend who's 2 years younger than me giving multiple updates on her toddler.
lol CaliopeSpidrman, okay maybe I exaggerated a little on the "70 years old when my kid graduates high school" thing... I'd hope that my kids wouldn't have that much trouble in high school
Just tired of the stupid meme from early 20-somethings that mid-thirties is too old to have kids because you won't have enough energy to keep up with them and you'll be too old when they graduate. *eyeroll*
edit: Thanks L_Woods, that does make me feel a little better. Guess I just felt like I needed a little reassurance today
"That chick wins at Penises, for sure." -- Fenton
Some people have babies when they're old. Like FORTY!
You have plenty of time. Make sure your marriage is healthy before bringing a small human into the picture.
Oh and every time you feel jealous or bitter you should come here and read about vaganuses and chunks of nipples falling off and children puking and diaper blow outs. Or come on a Saturday morning and marvel at all the "It's Friday night! I'm here drinking wine before I go to bed at 9 p.m." posts there are from the day before when you were out on the town (oh relax, you old hags, the childless divorcees have to find a silver lining, ok?).
"As of page 2 this might be the most boring argument ever. It's making me long for Rape Day." - Mouse
I had my first (and only) just before I turned 35. I got married when I was 31. I didn't even ttc before I was ready and even the day that stick said the word positive on it I was like "holy shiit, what did I just do?". I was actively ttc at that point but it still felt weird to me. We had a few years of being married first and just doing our thing. I didn't meet MH until I was 30 so it's not like even if I got married quickly I'd have been on the same track as friends getting married just out of college.
I have friends who got married and pg in their early to mid-20's and I have friends just getting married & pg now in their late 30's/early 40's. Obviously you have to do things at your own pace. And ditto everyone that said you need to have a strong marriage before having a kid because a kid brings all kinds of new shiit into the marriage. But if you're just being nitpicky and waiting for your husband or your marriage to be perfect, that's prob not going to happen either. If you feel like your foundation is strong and the bad stuff is just superficial then you might just an expectation adjustment. If you're waiting for a magic day where every piece of your life puzzle aligns and is perfect to have a kid, you may never. I'm not sure how big your issues with your husband really are.
But mid-to late 30's certainly isn't too old to have a baby.
Did someone say forty?
I agree with having sex on a pile of money, but maybe get lunch first at Chuck E. Cheese.
Yeah that's right my name's Yauch!
Heh... this brings me back to my 22nd birthday, when a friend who is 4 years younger (then 18) asked me how old I was and when I told her she said, "You're getting OLD!" Seriously. And it makes me laugh (or roll my eyes and then laugh) whenever I see some of those 18-22 year olds talking about how 35-40 is too old to have a baby.
Good advice, _Fenton! Thanks
Thanks for the advice, TSD. I really appreciate it. Your situation sounds so much like mine. I had a boyfriend when I was graduating high school, we drifted apart and then I didn't even actively date when I was in college/grad school because I was so busy with my studies. I finally started dating when I was about 26 but couldn't meet anyone decent. I met DH when I was 31. We dated for about 2 years before we got married last September. Our issues are mainly with his OCPD (don't think it's quite OCD but similar). He had trouble accepting whenever he was wrong in an argument and would try to pin everything on me. I've been going to counseling to figure out how to deal with it and I finally got him to agree to go. Things are going a little better now, but I want to wait a while to ensure that they'll stay good. The last thing I'd want to do is to bring a child into such a complicated situation.
11/11/11 = 5 years. Woah!