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How bad is oversharing?
I apologize in advance and this post is much longer than I intended.
My BFF and I had a short discussion the other day. I think we are very opposite of each other in terms of what we share and how we are approached by others. She is more of not trusting type and avoids answering simple questions by changing the subject abruptly while I on the other hand have no problem sharing but up to a point and some people I share more than others base on what they share with me in the conversations.
My BFF thinks I over share way too much and that I need to be careful. I am trying to be open to her suggestions but I am trying to draw up my boundaries which are hard because I am pretty open in general and mabye that is the flaw of my personality.
I have no problem telling people that I am separated and going through a divorce when they inquire. After all that is the truth and they are bound to see me without my husband when I join events with them. There are some people I share more than others but mainly because they came up to me first and shared their story. When this happens, I never have said anything bad about stbxh other than that he is the one who chose to end the marriage, I actually don't have anything bad to say except that I miss him and I respect his decision for him to leave and it was a really shocking time of my life. Everything I share is about me and my feelings. Stbxh is still a big part of my life and we do a lot of things together with my son. He is an excellent father and I do think we are wonderful with co-parenting together.
Now my divorce will be finalized in a couple of weeks and my name will be officially changed per the divorce decree. I do give some people a head up that my name is changing starting last weekend since I need to sign up for some things that are happening in a few months from now.
My BFF saying my name is changing is not something I should be sharing. It makes people find out that something is up with my divorce.
Am I over sharing or does my bff have issues that she needs to deal with?
Re: How bad is oversharing?
I'd say your BFF has issues but I'm a chronic oversharer. Some people are more open than others and it's ok for you to be open about your divorce. You have nothing to hide and you shouldn't be ashamed of why you're changing your name. Perhaps she wouldn't tell people if she were in your situation but she's not and it's none of her business.
The fact that she's your BFF and giving you such grief doesn't sit well with me. I'd be telling her to STFU if she keeps at it. It's your life, not hers. I have friends who are much less open than I am but they'd never tell me what to say or not to say. If being open is part of who you are, she needs to accept that, especially since you're not going around bashing your XH.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted and used against you. My Blog
Chronic oversharer checking in, as well. I've been told by every therapist I've ever met that I am an UBER open personality type, and it's really just part of who I am. Sometimes it's incredibly useful, and sometimes it can be a curse. Apparently other people can sense that openness, and usually pretty willing to share with me in return, which can actually deepen a friendship / relationship, but I also do occasionally get the crazies - like the randoms who used to walk up to me on the street in NY and tell me their life story (this seriously happened MULTIPLE times).
But ditto MCC that I'm seeing a red flag in that your BFF is giving you grief about this. What you're going through is nothing to be ashamed of, and she should definitely STFU about it and accept that your openness is just part of who you are.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
I am struggling with the above at this moment. She has been a great friend but recently I am feeling conflicted and frustrated on the inside when I am with her. I don't like negativity nor do I like anyone telling me how I should think or feel about my own personal life. I think after 8 months of weekly therapy, it might be that I am outgrowing her in a way since I come a long way with building my self-esteem and confidence.
Your BFF has issues. If you were sharing w/ anyone who would listen the details of why you're divorcing, o.k., she might have a point.
But the simple fact that you ARE divorcing, and especially that your name is changing? Um.... I think the name change is pretty darn important to let people know about.
I'm having trouble explaining this in my head, but I'll try. I respect a person's right to privacy, but there is a level of "privacy" that if you're SO closed off, it actually almost makes me feel like a person is being dishonest. I've run into people like your BFF before and I never felt like we could have a genuine, open conversation because they simply pretty much shared NOTHING of themselves. If that makes sense.
It's not really being dishonest, I realize that. But it just FELT that way, and it felt like they didn't trust me.
Maybe that's more what it is - I felt a degree of distrust, and from that... a friendship isn't going to be built. So, if your friend doesn't like to share and doesn't like people asking about her life, in the end, she'll get exactly what she wants - probably very few people in her life, which mean less people to inquire/care about her life.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It is nice to know that I am not alone with the very open personality. While you mentioned that sometimes it can be a curse but most of the time it is very beneficial.
I had worked at the same company as this girl for years, and our paths crossed here and there. I actually ended up taking her job when she left - and in our brief time of crossover, we were talking and I happened to mention I was doing IVF.
She leans forward and was like "OMG! Me too!!!!" and later come to find out I was the only person IRL she had actually shared that with. And it created a bond there that has lasted for, gosh, about 7 years now. We're not super close friends and I don't see her a lot these days - but we're still in touch. And I KNOW it's because I shared that piece of information.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I am a chronic over-share type too. For me, its a "you ask and I'll answer". It's just who I am. Luckily most of my friends are the same way.
That said, I don't think anything you have said counts as oversharing. At all. Changing of your name is a big thing.
This makes a lot of sense! I think you described my bff and my feelings almost to a T. In our situtuation, she turnd this around on me trying to make it out to be me with the issue and not her.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I have compassion for those who overshare because I am also guilty of this. I just am a really open, "real" person so I don't see the harm in it. I'm not ashamed of what happened, and that I'm a single mom. I am careful who I say what to in some ways but more because I don't want to make them uncomfortable. I have no problem saying that I'm divorced because my husband started doing drugs and cheating when I was pregnant. It's simply the facts.
I think it's just a difference in personalities. I don't think you OR your BFF are wrong.
Good question! I am not really sure why?
From what you've said it's difficult for me to tell if you are oversharing or not. I'm just going to play devil's advocate here, but I'm wondering if people have said something to your BFF about them being uncomfortable? Or if she's noticed it in other people's reactions to what you're saying? My mom does this all the time and doesn't notice at all that when people have asked a simple question that she goes on and on way too much.
However, based on what you have said it seems like your BFF probably just needs to keep her mouth shut.
She hadn't mention anyone said anything to her, I would think she would tell me if that was the case. I could be wrong though. She is also a social worker, as much as she is not open about her life (except to me), she is definetly one to pry. Maybe she is trying to tell me I should be careful of her now that I think about it.
I agree with this. I think its fine to say you are getting divorced, changing your name, etc. But I'm not sure it is appropriate to tell anyone other than close friends that he ended the marriage, you were shocked, and your feelings. That is, for example, not information I would normally share with coworkers, other parents from a child's school, etc. It's something I would really only share with my family and my close friends. Whether or not you're trashing him it's not really other people's business and may make them uncomfortable or put them in a weird position. It sounds like you may be sharing b.c. its therapeutic to you, but probably therapy, close friends and a journal are the best place to sort out some of those more complicated feelings.
It was good to hear this and definetly something I will keep in mind.
This. I used to have a friend who, after 5 years of spending a lot of time together, I STILL felt like I didn't really know her. She was always so careful about how she would present herself (only in a positive light) that I never felt like I was really close to her. She also would get really angry if I would tell anyone anything about her. I don't mean personal information either. I mean she would get mad if I told someone she had dinner at XYZ restaurant on Friday, for example. It got to the point where I didn't feel comfortable even saying her name because she'd get angry and accuse me of talking about her.
We are no longer "friends" or even acquaintences.
I'm a social worker, so I'm pretty careful with what I share because my crap doesn't need to be dumped on those I help, you know? But at the same time, I don't pry...at work or at home.
I think you are okay in what you share, and honestly, I wonder why she is so concerned, to be honest.
I am NOT an over-sharer, and sometimes wonder why people give me so much info about their personal lives. I knew someone was getting divorced (and her husband was in jail!) and she referred to her stbx as "my husband" - - I didn't think any less of her, because her marital status is none of my business, and because whether or not she was getting divorced wasn't the point of our conversation.
I don't think she's wrong to want to keep information to herself (for example, if I were to divorce, I'm not sure I would broadcast it at work, b/c it's nobody's business and I wouldn't want people at work to think of me as "available" - - I think it's easier to be married at work. I also don't share that my H tavels a LOT for his job, and can fully understand why someone wouldn't want to make it known that there is no longer "a man in the house," if they felt it made them safer).
Personally, I think it's different styles - no one is right or wrong, you just have to do what is right for you. You just need to tell your friend that you are old enough to make your own choices, and don't judge her on her choices, either.