Trouble in Paradise
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How would you handle this situation?
SO and I have been together for nine years. A little over 3 years ago we found a close family member after they had committed suicide, and then found another close family member a few months later that died completely unexpected. Since these
Normal
0
false
false
false
EN-US
X-NONE
X-NONE
MicrosoftInternetExplorer4
/* Style Definitions */
table.MsoNormalTable
{mso-style-name:"Table Normal";
mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0;
mso-tstyle-colband-size:0;
mso-style-noshow:yes;
mso-style-priority:99;
mso-style-qformat:yes;
mso-style-parent:"";
mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt;
mso-para-margin:0in;
mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt;
mso-pagination:widow-orphan;
font-size:11.0pt;
font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif";
mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri;
mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin;
mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";
mso-fareast-theme-font:minor-fareast;
mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri;
mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin;}
occurrences (for lack of a better word), our relationship has been affected in the way of intimacy and affection. We have not been affectionate or intimate with each other since this time. At all. SO suffers from anxiety and complete lack of desire for these aspects of our relationship, and also has no plans to seek help to cope with these issues. We are both 31. I am in a place where I am ready to move forward. SO previously wanted children and has expressed not knowing anymore if that is still a desire. SO wants to keep our relationship together but, also understands that offering no compromise in the way of coping with these issues isn't fair to me. We are there for each other emotionally but, anything past that doesn't exist. I am at a point where I am stuck feeling as though I will end up being resentful towards SO if I stay in this relationship as is and put off or give up on the things I desire for a future. But, I am also having a hard time removing myself from a relationship I have always had the for better or for worse mindset towards.
Re: How would you handle this situation?
SO and I have been together for nine years. A little over 3 years ago we found a close family member after they had committed suicide, and then found another close family member a few months later that died completely unexpected. Since these occurrences (for lack of a better word), our relationship has been affected in the way of intimacy and affection.
We have not been affectionate or intimate with each other since this time. At all. SO suffers from anxiety and complete lack of desire for these aspects of our relationship, and also has no plans to seek help to cope with these issues.
We are both 31. I am in a place where I am ready to move forward. SO previously wanted children and has expressed not knowing anymore if that is still a desire.
SO wants to keep our relationship together but, also understands that offering no compromise in the way of coping with these issues isn't fair to me. We are there for each other emotionally but, anything past that doesn't exist.
I am at a point where I am stuck feeling as though I will end up being resentful towards SO if I stay in this relationship as is and put off or give up on the things I desire for a future. But, I am also having a hard time removing myself from a relationship I have always had the for better or for worse mindset towards.
--------------------------------
Sounds to me like you have a dealbreaker on your hands:
The issue of kids.
If you are certain you wish to be a parent, move on. Trust and believe a person when it's "I do not want kids.".
I also would not be keen on staying in a relationship with somebody who does not take care of his health.
Cut your losses and move on.
Move on particularly since your SO has ended having sex with you. Wow --- didn't you ever address that subject when this issue was happening? You should have..
so, you havent had sex in 3 years? and you are still with him?
really?
you need to get yourself to therapy asap!
why dont you think you deserve affection and intimacy? is it not important to you either?
3 YEARS? WTF?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
1) thank you for quoting so I could read it PP
2) Original Poster (OP): are kids a deal-breaker for you? It sounds to me like they are. If so, I suggest you see if your SO would be willing to go to couples' therapy with you. I would also suggest sex therapy to go with it. 3 years of no intimacy whatsoever is extreme.
3) I have experience with friends & family members committing suicide. Thankfully, I have not been the poor soul to discover the deceased, but I can only imagine the trauma for your H & you. Please seek therapy not only for your marriage issues, but for the PTSD (posttraumatic stress disorder) that could be going on.i am so sorry for your losses.
If your husband is adamantly opposed to seeking treatment & family plans are on hold for him indefinitely then you have your answer. If that is the situation, I am very sorry to say, it would be a sign for me that it's time to move on.
I have no idea how you've not pressed for therapy of some sort. I would have insisted on a complete physical (not a bad idea by the way), marriage counseling & therapy at the six month mark. It is not fair to you to deprive you of affection for that long.
Also, if you decide to part ways make sure you tell his family or a close friend. He may need someone to look in on him afterward. Sadly, people touched by suicide (especially those that have the incredible misfortune to discover the deceased, have a higher rate of suicide in subsequent years. If you decide that you need to move on & your husband does not get help it will be hard on him.
I don't say that to guilt you into staying because you deserve a loving relationship with someone who will take care of themselves. I just want you to make your decision with eyes wide open & a plan just in case.
I wish you all the very best. This is a very sad situation.
As he's not willing to get help, yea.... I'd leave.
Do you really want to look back at your life in 5, 10, 25, 50 years and regret staying w/ someone who you are clearly not getting what you want or need all in order to say "but our vows....."???
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
OP, you haven't had sex with him in 3 years. What relationship do you think is here worth salvaging?
Therapy. A lot of it. For both of you.
He needs to figure out why he's completely shut down emotionally, and you need to figure out why you've been willing to stay complacent in a relationship like that for three years.
I think the relationship is over and you should end it as soon as possible.
If he were willing to get help or at least appeared to want to work on the issues, then maybe I'd be willing to give it a go. But, he seems to have completely shut down, and there's no way for you to make the relationship work on your own.
Also, this sounds kind of harsh, but life happens. Everyone is going to die. Yes, it sucks. It sucks even more when it's unexpected or preventable. However, I think it would be a HUGE mistake to be with someone who completely shuts down after these events. You need someone you can count on to be there and to be supportive and to be able to move on. Because really, you have no idea what the future holds. And even if he wanted kids, could you afford to have him shut down and not be there for you and the kids if some other tragic event happened? There are many tools out there to help the grieving: therapy, support groups, relationships with friends and family.
If you want a chance at a future with him, you should demand he seek pretty intense counseling. If not, you have your answer.