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Separated but confused. :(
Hi Everyone,
I've been posting on different forums for a few months, but my husband and I are separated right now. I moved out on Feb 17th. No divorce papers or anything like that have been filed at this point.
It has been a hard road, and I cannot say that any decision seems obvious at this point. How were others able to come to a final decision if you should try to work on things or file for divorce? I feel very lonely, but how can I determine if I feel lonely because I just miss my old life vs. do I really miss my husband? What did you do to figure that out?
The reason why we separated was basically lack of communication, I felt dismissed often, my husband HAS to be right, and I didn't feel appreciated at all (case in point - when I left, he didn't really fight me, but he was willing to fight about the leather sofas and told me he had an emotional connection to them). We didn't have that deeper emotional or even sexual connection. But - he was very stable and we built a very comfortable life together.
I emotionally checked out of this marriage quite some time ago - if you have read other posts, I have kissed four other guys while married (and my husband knows). I'm not going to make any excuses for this, because it's completely unacceptable and my husband was very hurt (and I'm sure feeds into what I think is ODD about our separation).
Two things that I find ODD about the separation:
1.) I have only communicated with my husband for two occasions: One time to see if I was going to go to the surprise party for a mutual friend (I declined to go). And the second time for dinner reservations we have tomorrow (it is actually his 30th bday....we are still going to dinner together, which should be interesting...).
2.) My husband has NOT asked for my address. he has no clue where I live. Now living by myself, I would think he would want to know where I was living to at least determine if it was safe.
In his defense, I think he is trying to be respectful to give me my space and sort things out, but I still feel somewhat hurt that he hasn't been interested in contacting me at all.
Any thoughts/suggestions/insights would be extremely helpful right now.
Thanks so much.
Re: Separated but confused. :(
This stuck out to me. I know you're going through a very difficult time right now and are, no doubt very confused, but why would you want to be with someone who you have no deep emotional or sexual connection with? I get feeling comfortable and liking the stability, but in my humble opinion, that's not what a marriage is all about.
As far as the two points you feel are odd, I have to say, based on what you've said here, he's working on moving on not working on trying to figure out how to get back together. Honestly, from what you've said, I wonder why you would want to consider it.
I would strongly recommend counseling for you (and for you both if you both really do want to work on the marriage). It will help you make sense out of this stuff.
And to answer your question about how to come to a final decision to end the marriage or work on it....it's unique to us all. Mine came because my XH moved out to work on himself, which was code for "continue to have a relationship with someone else". I realized, after 6 months of hell, that I was worth more than that and started picking up the pieces of my life.
Le sigh....I saw that on TIP after I commented. OP, it's time to move on.
Sorry - fixed this on TIP, not on here.
Will do now!
There is a a reason that you cheated on him. And not once, not twice, not three times but four.
I couldn't forgive my XH for cheating on me once so I am really not shocked that your H isn't contacting you. No offense, but you sound a little like you want your cake and to eat it too. YOU cheat on HIM repeatedly but then you want him to come running after you when you leave?
You have checked out emotionally, you have checked you physically. I am failing to see where the uncertainty lies...
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04