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Separated but Confused....
Hi Everyone,
I've been posting on different forums for a few months (including this one!), but my husband and I are separated right now. I moved out on Feb 17th. No divorce papers or anything like that have been filed at this point.
It has been a hard road, and I cannot say that any decision seems obvious at this point. How were others able to come to a final decision if you should try to work on things or file for divorce? I feel very lonely, but how can I determine if I feel lonely because I just miss my old life vs. do I really miss my husband? What did you do to figure that out?
The reason why we separated was basically lack of communication, I felt dismissed often, my husband HAS to be right, and I didn't feel appreciated at all (case in point - when I left, he didn't really fight me, but he was willing to fight about the leather sofas and told me he had an emotional connection to them). We didn't have that deeper emotional or even sexual connection. But - he was very stable and we built a very comfortable life together.
I emotionally checked out of this marriage quite some time ago - if you have read other posts, I have kissed four other guys while married (and my husband knows). I'm not going to make any excuses for this, because it's completely unacceptable and my husband was very hurt (and I'm sure feeds into what I think is ODD about our separation).
Two things that I find ODD about the separation:
1.) I have only communicated with my husband for two occasions: One time to see if I was going to go to the surprise party for a mutual friend (I declined to go). And the second time for dinner reservations we have tomorrow (it is actually his 30th bday....we are still going to dinner together, which should be interesting...).
2.) My husband has NOT asked for my address. he has no clue where I live. Now living by myself, I would think he would want to know where I was living to at least determine if it was safe.
In his defense, I think he is trying to be respectful to give me my space and sort things out, but I still feel somewhat hurt that he hasn't been interested in contacting me at all.
Any thoughts/suggestions/insights would be extremely helpful right now.
Thanks so much.
Re: Separated but Confused....
Thank you - I am keeping very busy (going out to dinner, happy hours, trips planned with girlfriends, etc), but I guess I'm just trying to make a decision. NOT having a definite decision makes this pretty hard. I still waiver back and forth a lot and am so fearful that I will never meet someone else (not a reason to stay, but it is still scary to be out there again).
I have been in individual counseling for about 7 months, but honestly think it may be time to find a new counselor. I need to be pushed a little more at this point.
Great idea about making some lists. I think I will need to do just that. :0)
I love that your OP does not mention at all that you cheated on your H four times. Take some responsibility for what has gone wrong in your marriage, it is not all on him.
Honestly, you've been posting on here on & off for months and been given the same advice over & over. Your marriage is over. You want it to be but you seem to be unable to make that final decision. That's what you should be discussing in counseling- is it a fear of being alone, a fear of the 'stigma' of divorce etc.?
My guess is your H is relieved that you have finally take a step toward making a decision about your marriage & is seeing this separation as more final than you do, and honestly I don't blame him.
Thanks. I couldn't remember the back-story.
OP, you hurt him. As most people who have been cheated on will tell you, they probably don't really enjoy associating with people who've hurt them in that way. Even if you didn't have a deep connection, it was still very disrespectful, and hurtful of you.
And even without that, it would be very counterproductive, to your separation, for the two of you to hang around each other, all the time. It's a good thing that he's not contacting you too much.
However, kudos, to you for setting out on your own. And freeing both of yourselves up to find more suitable partners. I wish you best of luck.
I'm sorry if it seems I'm not taking ownership. That isn't my intent at all. I'm trying to make the OP as short as possible and ask my basic question. There is a LOT more back-ground that I haven't posted, because I know no one would ever read through all of it.
Have I royally screwed-up in this marriage? 100% YES. There is no justification for my actions. I have a lot to work on, obviously.
I can talk about my fears (and certainly have started) with my counselor, but before taking the next step about moving forward with divorce, I need to be 100% OK with my decision.
YOUR decision??? YOURS??
Wow...you cheat on your H and its YOUR decision to stay or not?
My guess is your H is releived that you are gone, and enjoying himself. WTF would he want to contact you?
The reason why we separated was basically lack of communication, I felt dismissed often, my husband HAS to be right, and I didn't feel appreciated at all
THAT was important to put in OP, but your cheating wasnt? GMAFB!
I'm not trying to beat you up over the cheating, just pointing out that IMO your marriage is over. There is more than one way to end a marriage & even though you haven't filed for divorce you have stepped out on him multiple times over. As far as I'm concerned there are only two reasons that someone would do that- either their marriage is over and they can't admit it or they seriously lack integrity and empathy for their spouse. So which is it or is there a 3rd option I'm missing?
You have many problems with how he treats you, you've said over & over there is no emotional connection, so what is keeping you from making a final decision?
Oh, woah. At this point, you are lucky that he has decided to spend his birthday with you. This will make for lively dinner conversation.
Have you talked with your counselor about what you were looking for when you went outside of your marriage for affection/intimacy?
MAGSugar - I really think we would just be the BEST of friends in real life...wow, woman!!
For YOU - I have updated my original post. :0)
I know the cheating is a big thing - and I am sorry for not posting it. I have a way of rambling as it is, and didn't know how long to make the post.
Perhaps there wasn't much of a marriage to begin with, sad as it is to say. I have seriously had sex with a pillow over my head since 2008 so I didn't have to look at him...I told him I didn't like him seeing my O face. I guess the writing was always on the wall. I just am terrified - he really is a good guy, just probably not the right guy for me.
I understand. I did ask him if he still wanted to do something with me on his bday (as it is his day) and he said yes. I wouldn't have had any hard feelings if he was't interested in getting together, since he can celebrate his day however he wants.
Yes, we did talk some about the affection/intimacy. I just don't feel wanted, valued, treasured in my marriage. And - as petty as it sounds, my husband really is horrible at sex (I tried to tell myself it was't a big deal, and marriage was much more important then just sex. Marriage is a lot more than just sex, but having good sex should be PART of a marriage). I have tried guiding him/showing him, but I don't think he gets it. It just feels nice to feel wanted/desirable. Again - I know these are all just excuses, but that's what happened.
Honestly, from everything you've said here, as well as the previous post, I think you both need to move on. There were obviously problems with the marriage if you were cheating on him repeatedly, and I can't help but wonder what there is that you want to salvage? If you had been happy in the relationship, you wouldn't have cheated. And on his end, I'm pretty sure he feels betrayed, and is not contacting you because he is ready to move on from this marriage. Really, it seems as though you two are incompatible, and would be better served ending this. Let him find someone he can trust, find someone who either wants to be in an open relationship (if that's what you want), or do some therapy alone to figure out what caused you to act the way you did.
I know you said that you tried guiding him through sex, but it sounds to me like you have some sex-related issues yourself. You really have sex with a pillow over your face to hide it? Is this with all partners or just your H? Did he say something to make you feel like you had to hide? This represents a heck of a lot of insecurities.
If you don't feel valued in your marriage, then don't look back. File those papers and move on. Keep busy. Hang out with your friends, try new things, and your new life will become your normal with time.
that a girl!
OMG - KellBell - I got goosebumps when I read this. I think you put into words what I was trying to say all along. This is exactly it.
I thought that leaving would maybe MAYBE wake him up - make him see me...but I guess he just doesn't seem to care either way. He would prefer to be married because it's keeping things status quo and it's easier, but I don't think he really cares about **ME.**
Regardless of the cheating:
The above quote is your answer as to whether this marriage is worth saving. You are emotionally checked out. You don't feel respected by your husband. What do you want from marriage? Personally, I feel loved and connected with my DH. He is my best friend. Seems to me that you don't even like your DH, so why wait? End this now.
You had no emotional connection, no intimacy, you cheated with other men, you checked out a long time ago, you moved out. And yet you are 'hurt' that he has not asked you where you live.
You don't seem to have a grasp of what your current reality is, or what his is.
I know it's kind of belabored around here, but you need to get into therapy to sort this out. What you're talking about is emotionally tone deaf.
I know you're in therapy so I'm curious whether you're really working in therapy to address the underlying root cause. Was he always lazy in showing emotion and affection? I wonder if this is a "he's just not that into you" relationship where you figured marriage, etc would fix him and make him value you or show he valued you. Even if he cares about you in whatever way, IT'S NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU. Stop letting him make the decisions, waiting to get validation from him and figure out how to feel good about yourself and loved on your own. It sounds like this has dragged out way, way too long. You need to let it die and move on with your life.
IMO the dinner on his birthday suggestion was another attempt on your part to feel wanted/needed by him. As in, if he wanted to spend his birthday with you it would mean you're important to him. And once again he's just kind of going along with what you want without showing any commitment or interest. Somehow you need to snap yourself out of this cycle of waiting and hoping for him to become someone he has clearly shown he is not. Get the divorce, move on, work in therapy so you're emotionally healthy to pick someone who actually meets your needs next time.
I already posted this on SO but OP seems to have checked out over there. So I will add my 2 cents over here:
There is a a reason that you cheated on him. And not once, not twice, not three times but four.
I couldn't forgive my XH for cheating on me once so I am really not shocked that your H isn't contacting you. No offense, but you sound a little like you want your cake and to eat it too. YOU cheat on HIM repeatedly but then you want him to come running after you when you leave?
You have checked out emotionally, you have checked you physically. I am failing to see where the uncertainty lies...
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04