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It's been a loooooong time...
So...Im feeling frusterated..in more ways than one.
My husband and I have been married since August of 2010, and we havn't had sex since our 1 year anniversary.
That was 7!! months ago. Now, for 4 months I was out of town, but even if we subtract that time, its 3 months. And Im here now.
Things to take into consideration:
-Husband has developed a fear of me getting pregnant. Even if Im on the pill and he has condoms
-There has been some oral sex...like two or three times since Christmas.
-Husband works two jobs, ridiculously long days, and this just started a few months ago.
I don't know what to do. I know hes tired, and certainly exausted. But he still has enough energy to go out with his friends on the weekends after work until 3 or 4 in the morning.
I try to talk to him about it and he just shrugs his shoulders.
I want to find a way to address this issue in a sensitive manner. I don't want to be pushy...but Im just worried. Worried that maybe he doesn't even like me anymore :-/
I don't know what to do. :-(
Re: It's been a loooooong time...
You'd be surprised how common this issue is -- we see it on this board fairly regularly. But I think your situation is slightly different..,.read on for my reason why. It's not great news.:(
First of all:
COMMUNICATE with him.
At length.
Set aside a good chunk of time when you both are free and you have no obligations and nowhere to be --- and have a frank and candid talk about your lack of a sex life.
You are married 2 years. This behavior isn't normal; a sexual disconnect of this extent should not exist.
Start out with "Honey, we used to have such a hot sex life; I want us to be like that again" and leave the floor open for his comments.
He needs to talk to you about this. Do not accept shrugging you off and do not accept him shutting down. He needs to be an adult and man up to what's going on.
If he has the energy to run with his buddies until WHEN then he sure as all hell has energy and time to talk to you about your lack of sex.
AND he needs to work on this with you. Period.
I also would NOT accept being left on the shelf! Nor would I put up with his being gone all that time on weekends and until dawn, at that.
How much couple time do you have with him?
Geez, even if it's going down to a corner bar and having a couple of drinks or having a video night in or wow, just TIME together --- my guess is it's zero or less than that and wow, that SUCKS.
Something is amiss here -- that is my conclusion.
Are you certain that he's with his friends?? No decent married man stays out that late, even if it's with friends. 3 or 4 in the morning means you're out doing nothin' but getting funky.
He either has decided no sex with you anymore, he wants to lead a single guy's ifestyle.... or he's having an affair.
His problem isn't medical and he hasn't suddenly developed a low or zero sex drive.
The fear of pregnancy isn't floating my boat and it's not floating yours, either, I am sure.. I'm pretty certain that you and he were having sex long before you were married and you had to be using a contraceptive then (either that, or you got extremely lucky and you beat the odds. haha -- just trying to make a joke here to lighten the mood). So his excuse of "oh you'll get pregnant" means zip. He had no fear of pregnancy back then.
But now all of a sudden, he's afraid of you getting in a family way.
This is an excuse he's handing you and nothing more. Unacceptable.
I'd demand an end to the "boys nights out." Something is weird with that -- nobody can possibly want to see their friends that often that late.
And if he's a reasonable person and nothing funky is going on, he'll gladly agree to stop all this partying on weekends. Once a week with the guys and reasonable hours is fine; what he is doing isn't reasonable.
We all need a guys night out and I'm sure you have your girls nights out too -- but wow, something sure is wrong with this picture. He does NOT need to be out each weekend for hours on end "with the guys."
And odd too - why has this guy got condoms when you are on the pill?
Something is weird here; that's my opinion. I'd start having a look see at his cell phone bills and your cell phone plan; you must be getting statements monthly that shows what number was called and who called your number. If you see a number that's been dialed too often and dialed at very strange times -- or if you see him getting secretive about his phone or his email, then something is very wrong here.
If you do indeed find out he's having an affair, show his ass the door toot sweet. Once a cheater always a cheater and you didn't get married to have a sexless marriage or to put up with being left on a shelf. Let us know what happens. GL.
Well...first, yes, Im about 99% sure its just "guys night out" and not an affair. He works at a resturant/bar and the weekends they're usually finishing up service at 12:30am or later. Often they stay there and hang out or go out (since they can drink and whatever on their shifts too...)
Our situation is kind of tricky right now..and Im trying not to be too aggressive. For 1 year I was only living with him "part time" (we decided that Id finish grad school out of town because it was a much better program...so wed see eachother every other week for a few days, plus breaks and holidays). And then after that finished...6 weeks home and I got a temporary job offer out of the country which we decided would be terrible for me to turn down (impossible to do later after kids, etc).
So now Im home, in that 4 months he got his second job...He has off sundays, saturday mornings, and monday and tuesday after 6pm. Other than that he works from 8am until at least 10pm (later on weekends). So...I know he felt a little rushed and pressured in general...as if I was trying to steal his personal time. Thats an issue thats almost all worked out.
But the whole...not inviting the wife out on the weekends? That blows. And I know part of it is some dumb ass cultural thing. And he works with mostly single guys, either young and single or slightly older (mid-thirties ish) and newly single/divorced. So they dont have anyone to come home to so they dont care. But Ive met them and I know thats just what they do. But I have had the "are you cheating on me" talk at one point when I thought he was acting strange. Turns out he was just distant because his parents are going thru a divorce and he wants to be around to help out with his family (impossible in another country)...yeah his emotional communication is slow, but improving.
The whole pregnancy thing...kind of came out of nowhere. Just started one day. As soon as it would finish...he wouldnt have even "dismounted" and hed ask if I took me pill that day. First I would say yes, then Id remind him it was too late to ask. Because he no longer trusts birth control pills were considering switching to an IUD. Cant forget to take that.
And the condoms are normal...bought them for a purpose, still have them. Plus good to keep around just in case I messed up the pill or something.
But I would love to find a way to get him to spend less time with his friends. Thats just what they do...they work together, party together, all day all night. The other day his boss came over to our apartment, called into the resturant saying my husband couldnt work so they could spend the day partying. This was at like...noon.
Tomorrow I will try to corner him to discuss the whole...time for your friends but no time for me thing. Im just worried about sounding too aggressive. Because I get really pissed off...and I dont want to start the conversation that way, because it wont end well. Ugh.
Okay, so he works at that bar. I understand how it is -- I had a sibling who tended bar; I remember going to pick him up and it took a while after closing to "z out", clean up and then shut down the bar and lock up for the night -- and then drop the entire pack of money from the night's bar tab into a nighttime deposit box.:)
We wouldn't get home until way after 3 am in many cases. If there was a party or some other function, even longer.:)
He owes it to you to make time for you. You aren't asking for much! he should be reasonable and meet your needs on this -- this is why I said communicate. He's not a mind reader; maybe he thinks you're fairly content with staying home these days, and not going out at all with him and okay with not spending any time together.
Often when I ask to talk to him (we have a roommate living in our spare bedroom right now, so I try to "arrange" our couple chats to not make our friend feel more awkward than living with a married couple) he seems to get mysteriously busy and can't make it home. I dont know if its chance that it works that way, or if he senses something bad will happen..dont know. So I kind of have to corner him haha, in a nice way.
<and the roommate is not deterring our sex lives. Before him we had a different friend living with us and we still had semi-regular sex, and before that his brother was living with us in our "new couple" stage of lots and lots of loud sex lol>
But it is a resturant with a popular bar, not the other way around. If he wants he can often be done by midnight on the weekends, so...ugh. I hope I can corner him tomorrow!
As usual 'The Tarp' has given her excellent advice and comments,...however, if you will listen to a male perspective for a moment I would add the following;
The picture you have 'painted' is of a man who is learning to see his wife/marriage as just another of lifes pressures,...he has an incredibly complicated and compacted life,..he works two jobs with long irregular hours,...he is subject to the constant influence of older men who have already failed their wives/partners,...he has a lodger present in his marriage home,...he has family problems that he can't reach or help,...he lives in a foreign country ....he presumably is not 'moneyed' ....he is in a business where he needs to relax after work,.....and now he has a wife who is badgering him at home about his failings in the bedroom and as a life partner.......
This marriage can't survive with this lifestyle, there are too many counter pressures.
The reason he does NOT want you to get pregnant at any cost is that he knows in his heart that your marriage is doomed and having an 'ex' wife is a lot less bad than having an 'ex' family,..at least in his eyes since he sounds to have come from a 'family oriented' background (Italian?)
Yikes.:(
To the OP: please get down to the bottom of why there is such a disconnect with sex. Life is too short and if it turns out this guy doesn't want a sex life with you anymore, cut your losses and go. Find a guy who thinks you're fabulous and sexy and has no problem making time for sex with you.
I gotta say, even when my love and I were both working 12-14 hour days and putting in 60+ hours a week, we still made time for each other..even if it was a 10 minute snuggle fest in the morning or him waiting up for me so we could spend 5 minutes chatting together before passing out...there is something to be said about him NOT wanting to spend time with you.
Sex is neither here nor there if you are not communicating and are basically not in the same relationship. Im no expert, but I would definatelty sit him down and figure out what he wants out of this relationship before you are 60 and have missed your whole life waiting for him to figure it out.
And if he cant explain anything or doesnt have the time, then I think its time to move on.
Whoops my internet went out for a few days.
Well, I appreciate everyone's advice...and I first want to say that I hope things are not over because of a rough patch in personal lives :-/
But we do make some time for eachother...well have a quick coffee together in the morning (hell make a tiny cup of coffee in the morning to have at home...I think its mostly an excuse to have a tea cookie before work haha), and usually a few minutes of chatting before bed...on a day when he works less we also have dinner together, rent movies, take walks, whatever.
However, a lot of the "intimacy" has left...and thats what I want to work on. I talked to him (again) about occasionally having a night out with me after work (either invite me out or our own night), and to start checking off some of the things we wanted to do in town, and some other little things.
I'm hoping that by starting on the "intimacy" level of spending more time together as friends/like when we were dating again will help bring back that feeling that I'm someone that he can relax with....because I don't have a job and I know at this point I'm mostly associated with doing the housework, cooking meals, paying and creating bills.
Sooo...hopefully slowly transitioning to doing more "couple" things throughout the week will help the sex situation enough. And after a few weeks if it seems to have stalled out then I'll bring up sex. I guess I just don't want to make him feel "inadequate" if I dont have to, hoping taking these steps is a gentle ease into it.
Its tough to try to be understanding in a tough situation and want instant results. But thanks, again, for everyones advice.