Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Forgivable?
I just switched my screen name from my original knot name. I?ve lurked over here, but never posted. I?ve been starting over for about a year and things have sort of calmed down. However I have a friend that is dealing with a dilemma. We spoke about it yesterday at the winery ? but I would like to hear others thoughts.
Which (if any) of these scenarios are forgivable? She basically knows her H has cheated, but she hasn?t confronted him yet to get specific details. She?s heard rumors, and is trusting her gut. They have 2 small children and have been together since HS, married 10yrs and have each only been with each other (so he says). They are early 30?s.
1. He went out of town and had a one-time hook up with a stranger.
2. He went out of town and had a one-time hook up with a coworker.
3. He had a onetime hookup with a stranger (local).
4. He had a onetime hookup with a coworker (local).
5. He had an emotional affair, nothing physical, but they did talk, email, go on dates.
6. He had an emotional affair, nothing physical, but they did talk, email, go on dates and she hung out with him and his friends.
7. He had a several month affair, talking, texting, sex (let?s say more than 30 times) with someone random he met online, or out somewhere. She is local.
8. He had a several month affair, talking, texting, sex (let?s say more than 30 times) with a coworker, and someone he will have to see daily and interact with daily.
Re: Forgivable?
Its not a matter if what we think is forgiveable but if she is able to forgive him. And does he regret it? Is he begging forgiveness?
My XH had an affair. I tried to forgive him, but the trust had become broken beyond repair.
Agreed. Is this a research project you're doing or something? Life is not so black and white as to determine whether 30 emails is the cheating "cut off".
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I get the feeling that the H has done all of these things, or a combination of many.
I would forgive none of this. I guess that might sound harsh but he knows the way I feel and I don't give second chances. It would hurt horribly but I would walk away.
I just don't think any excuse is good enough.
EDIT
When affairs are involved my motto is divorce first, forgive later.
Yes it is a serious question. Not a research project. And the 30 was for how many times he had sex with someone else, not emails.
Basically what she "thinks" happened is that he had a several month affair with someone he works with. So #8. I was just giving some other scenerios because we were talking yesterday about what he "might" come clean about, and if any of those were forgivable.
1-4 would be forgivable if he confessed on his own, was sincerely remorseful, and agreed to couples counseling. I would at least give it a try but unless you are put in that situation it is difficult to know how you would feel. I think once the trust is broken it is very hard to get it back unless the person is completely transparent (phone, email, facebook, etc.) for a long period of time to build the trust back.
Just someone he would see all the time versus someone he may never see again. Like I said she's been with him and only him, and really doesn't have an identity that doesn't include him...you know since she was like 16.
My heart breaks for her, but I would not be able to forgive any of these. I think once trust is broken, its broken, and you can't get it back. Your friend deserves better than this.
Yes - I've tried to explain this to her. I am divorcing my husband because I stupidly married him after I found out he cheated on me throughout our engagement. I thought I could forgive and forget, and 2 years later I still hadn't and I felt as though I never would. I think initially you want to thik positive and really want to make it work...but when it comes down to it once trust is gone its never the same.
She ultimately has to be the one to decide what she forgives, and if she believes him when she confronts him.
This!!!!
I don't care if they have a long history and he's the only person she's been with. No one deserves to be treated like $hit. Your friend deserves better. DTMF!!!!!