Starting Over
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
A different SO question
I've done lots and lots of therapy, and have taken lots of time being by myself since my divorce. I really feel a ton better now than I even did a year ago. I still have some issues that creep up and weeks where I'm really weepy and sad, but I'm realizing that these things have less and less to do with my old relationship, and more to do with my underlying self-esteem issues. A have a huge mental block about this issue, and it's something I've struggled with since I was a child but have never really dealt with head on. What are some good steps to take regarding self-esteem/self-image? I know this probably sounds like a stupid question, but I honestly am at a loss about where I should even start.
Re: A different SO question
Have you talked to your therapist about this?
Not to put you on the spot but why do you have self esteem issues? Is there something specific that you don't like?
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
Do you exercise at all? (not sure if I have asked you that before).People who exercise on a regular basis tend to have a higher self esteem.
Set small, achievable goals for yourself and give yourself props when you complete them. Make them larger and larger as you achieve more and more of them.
Volunteering also helps me feel better about myself.
Do random nice things for people and don't expect anything in return.
Buy some sexy underwear and even though others can't see it, wear it proudly. ;-) That helps me sometimes.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
It's not a stupid question at all. It's a really hard one, actually.
I'd say to keep up with the therapy and have your therapist help guide you through this. That's first and foremost.
But there are a million little things you can do every single day in order to boost your self-esteem. Surround yourself with things you love. Do things that you love and at which you excel, and (if possible) share them. Are you crafty? Make a good friend something awesome. Like to cook or bake? Invite friends or family over for a meal, or bring a kick-ass cookie tray in to work. Focus on the things you love and then enjoy sharing them with others.
Only talk to the friends who bolster you the most and understand you the best. This isn't to say that you need to be "yes'd" to death, but determined which of your friends are actually invested in your best interests, and spend more time with them. Slowly cut out the dead weight.
Buy a bottle of your favorite perfume or lotion -- the one that makes you feel most fabulous -- and start wearing it all the time. Get that haircut you've been contemplating or those shoes you've been dying for. Treat yourself within your budget.
And finally, don't beat yourself up. You're not always going to be the prettiest, or smartest, or nicest, or most talented girl in the room -- and neither am I. If you do that competitive thing that so many women do, knock it off. It's counterproductive. Embrace your best qualities and showcase them. Don't allow your faults to drag you down. Work on them, but don't obsess. Get obsessed with your own awesomeness instead.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
Love this - what great advise GOZ!
I agree with the others. Do things that you are good at and like to do. I like to volunteer because it's fulfilling to me. I also like to create things (cooking, baking, art, etc).
Also, working toward small goals will give you a sense of accomplishment. Whether it's exercising, trying a new recipe or getting out and making new friends.
Focus on the future and not the past. I know someone who suffers from major self esteem and all she every says is "why can't I look how I used to look?", "I wish I was younger, skinnier, took that job 25 years ago, etc.". You can't feel good by living in regret or for some unattainable goal.
I'm not in therapy anymore (we started to run out of things to talk about), not that I couldn't go back - I will consider that. I do exercise, I'm trying to be on a stricter regimen - keep saying over and over it's for my sanity, not weight loss
My real struggles come in inter-personal relationships. Without getting into my whole life story, I have a long history of relationships that have ended abruptly for various reasons (the one with my XH being the most devastating). This makes it really hard for me to connect with and trust new people (ie men I may potentially want to date), and I am always worried that my closest friends are going to abandon me (when I need them now more than ever). I know that my fears are fairly irrational, but it makes me a little nuts with this stuff running thru my brain all the time.
Thanks for the suggestions - some good ones there.
I love GOZ's advice!!
I'd also add some quickie tips....find one thing that you like about yourself every single day and say it out loud or write it down. Personally, I'll stand in front of my mirror and say "I really like *insert something here* about me". Doesn't have to be a looks thing, it can be something good you did, or whatever. Start slow, with one thing, and work your way up to a couple or more a day.
Okay with that new info, I'd say go back to counseling and work through that stuff. Not sure how your relationship was with your last counselor, but maybe seeing someone new, who can help you sort it out with a fresh pair of eyes, might help.
I sympathize with you as I too deal with the same thing. I am now age 35 and overcoming my self esteem and confidence issues I dealt with since I was very young. The best thing for me is to practice self-esteem is on other people as scary that sound.
I am reading a book "Self-Compassion" to help with this as well as practicing the 4 agreements (Ignore other opinion, do not take anything personally, release self judgment and love yourself) has been a tremendous exercise.
I go to weekly therapy and my therapist gives me "assignments" that applies people and things going on in my life.
It is all hard work, but once you do the hard work, you will see yourself moving in life and realize things are not as bad or as hard as they seem to be.
I like what the other ladies suggested too.
I agree with PP on alot...working out, volunteering, using daily positive self statement and doing stuff that you are good at.
I also agree with Doris that you may want to go back to counseling to work on this.
One thing that stuck out in your response is how you have these irrational fears and that you know that are just that. You might want to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as a useful tool. Basically you learn to identify irrational, anxiety producing thoughts and reframe them into more realistic, calming ones.
ETA: I think I have pretty good self esteem and but every now and again I have trust issues that pop up because of XH. I know how you feel in terms of the junk running through your head; it is exhausting. I have found CBT to be helpful for me.
3/12 5 mi -- 49:22 Pace: 9:52
5/1 Half Marathon -- 2:11:22 Pace: 10:01
5/22 10k -- 56:29 Pace: 9:00
5/24 3.6 -- 29:03 Pace: 8:18
7/10 15k -- 1:44:46 injured Pace: 11:14
10/29 5k -- 28:24 Pace: 9:04
This sounds much more like abandonment/trust issues vs. self esteem. I think they need to be treated in a much different way than self esteem issues. I agree with the PP's about going back to therapy.
ITA. I don't think it's an irrational fear at all, either. I think it's pretty common to have abandonment issues (which is what it sounds like to me, but I'm not professional by any means). I agree with working on that through counseling. Go back to each of those relationships that ended and explore those til you can't explore them any more! Get to the root of those...maybe those will help provide clarity?
As for self esteem...what about picking a goal and working towards it? Those are always a HUGE sense of self worth or accomplishment for me. For example, I'm not a fast runner by any means, but running provides me with huge endophins that make me feel all warm and fuzzy about myself. Especially because I'm NOT a born runner, so I'm proud that I'm not a typical long legged svelt runner, but I can do the same things those "runners" can do!
However; I need an actual GOAL to work towards, so I sign up for 2-3 "big" races a year so i have something to work towards and people KNOW that I'm working towards those. My friends are hugely supportive and it's pretty amazing once I accomplish those. So, what about a few personal goals you want to do by the end of the year?