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1 major dealbreaker = less options
I have the opposite problems when it comes to dumb deal breakers.
I have a major deal breaker which results me in a very small pool of men to pick from. For me to date someone, that person must know the American Sign Language. The complete language and not just know the "A, B, C..." finger spelling only.
The funny thing is I am not ingrained with the deaf culture and I do not feel comfortable in a primary deaf centered environment. I also don't want to date a deaf man who does not speak because they have a tendency to feel insecure when they see me use my voice talking to other people which is something I do all the time. Everyone in my family, co-workers and most friends are "hearing" since I lip-read and speak very well.
I finally accepted that lip-reading and speaking alone is not enough for me anymore in term of wanting an intimate relationship with a SO. I want to "hear" everything my future man has to say without effort and signing in the dark by feeling each other hands is darn sexy!
I would like to have long list of dumb deal breakers but with the limited selection of men to choose from...I may have to be more flexible. I have to be strong going forward to turn down men who don?t know sign language (Otherwise, they would have to prove they are motivated to learn to sign before dating) Some of these men are very likable and someone I would like to try dating but I know firsthand it would not be a complete fulfilling relationship without ASL sign language. I also don?t want to waste time in the wrong relationship.
It is going to be a journey.
Re: 1 major dealbreaker = less options
Yea that is going to be rough. I have to say though, are you sure that it was the ability to sign that made this relationships not enough, or was it the relationship itself? I think it's perfectly acceptable that someone would work to learn sign language after they are in a committed relationship with you, but it seems unrealistic that they will go to these lengths (it takes years right?) before even dating you.
Or what if he, like myself, knows ASL but hasn't used it in years? If I'm ever communicating in ASL regularly again, it will come back to me, but I've forgotten a lot just because I haven't been exposed.
I can understand your reason for your "dealbreaker," but I'd make an exception for someone who may be rusty or not completely fluent.
If he is willing to learn, this is fine but I need to see evidence of this before I fall too deep into a relationship.
My ex husband took 2 courses of sign language but after a certain point, he just kind of tapered off and never really got deep into the language to be able to use it on a daily basis.
If the guy knows the language so well, he wouldn't have to focus so hard on making sure he is looking directly at me without moving his head back and forth to ensure I dont miss anything.
An example is if we were cooking dinner and trying to have a conversation, I would become a lousy cook because I need to be looking at him the whole conversation and not looking at the food. Hearing people can carry a conversation while doing something when I can only do one or the other. Sign language makes everything so much easier and not so tedious if that makes sense?
Actually, those who are motivated to learn sign language learn rather quickly. This is how I know if someone is willing to use sign language as part of their everyday life or not. Some people learn for fun but leave it at that while some others only want to learn so they have more options in saying the dirty words.
But I see your point; I do agree with you that I would have better outcomes when I am in the right relationship. But at the same time, communication is key in all relationship and why makes communication harder than it should be. I would like to think if a guy really cares and loves me, he wouldn't want me to feel left out. Reading lips only works if I can see the other person's lip movement. I wouldn't be able to read a standup comedian because they move around on the stage too much. I would need an interpreter or something.
Honestly question and I really hope this doesn't make me sound like an ahole, but wouldn't this be the same situation even if they knew how to sign?
You are not a ahole for asking this and I love it when people ask questions. Lipreading is intense, when people speak, I read the letters from their mouth shape and then try to spell out the word in my head and put everything together. I strain a lot when I lipread.
Sign language, you can sign a few words and say a whole paragraph. It is easy , visual language that does not need intense face to face communication and one can look away for a few sec and still follow the converation.
I understand why this would be important to you.
To that end, do you think it would make sense to become more involved in the hearing impaired community? That way you'd be in contact with people with similar issues, as well as their families and friends, who are more likely to have the exposure or motivation that you're looking for.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
This is the main reason why I moved to the San Francisco Bay Area because big cities are where the deaf community forms. I did emerge myself in the deaf community completely for 5 years and my first husband was a well known deaf public figure.
In the San Francisco Bay Area, there are many individuals who signs whether they are deaf, children of deaf parents, and family members of a deaf person, sign language interpreters and just hearing people who enjoy taking up sign language. If I was still living in Montana, then I sorely would be limited.
It is really hard to explain the complexity of the deaf culture and the various forms of deafness to someone who has no experience with the deaf and the deaf community, but basically there is a strong sense of deaf culture and deaf pride that often gets political. Also, I am looked down upon by those which chose not to use their voice since their thinking is I am not deaf enough.
All in all, with how I was raised, I am lucky enough to have always been included by the hearing that I don?t want to be separate from them. There are many deaf and hard of hearing people like me that are flexible to intermingle between both deaf and hearing environment out there, it just we are spread out. Since we do not ?stand out?, it just a matter of finding each other.
I am hopeful that I will find someone.
Believe it or not, I do know a little about the identity issues within deaf culture -- on one hand, I get it -- but on the other, I don't. I'm sorry you're in a tough spot. Best of luck to you.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.