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children...how do you decide? long and serious
This has been something that has been weighing on me for a little while now, and I need to talk about it. Sorry for the length.
I'm turning 34 this weekend, and have no children. Not having children was never on my radar. I always assumed I would have at least one, always wanted them in my life. Not as an all consuming passion like a lot of people (I don't seek out others' children to hang with or anything), but I just couldn't imagine my life without them when I look back when I'm 80 years old. I don't want to adopt or foster, I would want my own, because I think a huge part of my bonding/falling in love with my child experience would be giving birth and then seeing parts of me and the man I love in my child as it grows.
But recently I've noticed a change in my thoughts, and I'm struggling. I suffer from extreme fatigue that so far hasn't been identified or been able to be treated. I take an anti-depressant, Vitamin D, Vitamin B12, cortisol supplements, and occasionally Ritalin, and nothing gives me the energy that "normal" people have. My doctor is pretty much throwing her hands up and ready to give me a Chronic Fatigue Syndrome diagnosis because I'm taking vitamins/meds that are supposed to correct the deficiencies that show up in my blood tests, and none of them are working. Today, for example, I feel like I can barely move my body, and I want to cry because I"m so physically exhausted. I get at least 7 hours of sleep per night now, usually, and sometimes up to 10, and a 40 hour workweek is sometimes more than I can even take. I relish my down time when I can just sit and read a book or play online; I'm not a person who always needs/wants to be doing something. I have absolutely no clue how I could possibly take care of a child when sometimes I feel like I'm barely taking care of myself, and how I need my down time to be able to function properly.
I also walk a very tight line with making ends meet, and rarely treat myself with anything, and spend as little as possible on necessary items. I always feel like I deprive myself in general. I'm looking forward to the day when (hopefully) I'm in a dual income household and can loosen the reigns a bit and do things that I don't get to do very often or buy nicer things than I do now. I'm afraid to think about the cost of raising a child and how deprived I might still feel. Selfish, I know, but I grew up dirt poor, and still struggle, but yet have had a taste of a better life so now I sometimes crave it.
I definitely feel like I would fail at being a parent, as well. For a million different reasons.
But...the idea of not having children makes me sad. I would truly say I couldn't see myself happy and having felt successful in life in my later years, if I don't have children. I think that family is the main happiness and reason to be put on this earth. Being 80 years old, a widow (etc.), everyone else dead or wrapped up in their own families, and not having anyone...that thought makes me ill. I'm an introvert, so I'm totally not seeing myself hanging out at the bingo hall in the senior center. I'd be the lady sitting in the garden with a book alone unless someone came to visit me. I feel like life would feel empty over the years, and like there wasn't much purpose, without having children to help grow and learn and experience things with.
When J and I first started dating, we had a conversation about me not having kids (he has 2, age 15 and 7) and whether I'd ever dated anyone with them. I haven't, seriously enough to have ever met the kids. That conversation turned into what both of us wanted as far as children in the future. He said that he was 50/50 on having another one, that he would really like to have another one and have a "family" again, but that he truly worries about the financial aspect of it, so he was unsure. He asked if it was a dealbreaker for me that he was unsure and could possibly not want any more, and I surprised myself by saying that it wasn't a dealbreaker. I think it was the first time I had admitted it to myself that I wasn't sure if kids would be the right thing for me, so I've just been thinking about it a lot in recent weeks.
I know it's perfectly fine and acceptable for me if I choose to not have children. That's not my issue. My issue is, how do I come to that decision? How do I decide whether to do what I probably should realistically, or what I always wanted and assumed would happen, when I'm afraid that whichever one I choose will be the wrong one and I'll regret it? You can't take back either having children, or not having had them when you look back on your life years from now when it's too late. What if I do and regret it, or what if I don't and regret it? I know it shouldn't weigh so heavily on my mind, but I never ever thought I'd ever have children after 35 (I'm very fearful of problems and complications to mother and baby with pregnancy over 35), and it's approaching rapidly.
Any rambling thoughts you might have would be appreciated. Thanks for listening.
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Re: children...how do you decide? long and serious
I was waivering on this exact.same.thing until Jan. I was having some women's problems and come to find out, the doc told me she was 98% sure I was having a MC.
The thought of me being PG scared me_shitless. Since then, I have made the decision that I am pretty sure I don't want kids (and I have an appt for paraguard next month after my half ironman).
I am in my early 30's now, though so that could change (highly doubtful), as I even called my Mom the other day and told her about my decision. She has many other grand children from my other sibs, so it wasn't a big deal.
I know exactly how you're feeling. Without having gone through what I went through, I was exactly in your same boat and completely clueless.
ETA: I will DD this a little later.
They see us rollin'...they be hatin'.
I have also had a MC, and I was really sad. It affected me for a very long time. And this time of year is hard for me still, 7 years later, because the baby was due on March 29th.
But yet when I wake up and feel like crud, or want something really bad and can't afford it, or feel like I'll go crazy if I don't have some ME time, I start thinking, "I couldn't possibly take care of another human being."
Conundrum.
I would say give yourself a break right now. There is no need to make any decisions right? You've been with J for about a month right? For me, the relationship totally sways how I feel about these things and I think as your relationship grows with J you might get the clarity you're looking for.
I'm having similar thoughts around whether or not I want children just for different reasons.
Here's the conclusion I've come to: If I meet someone who wants children and we decide together that is what's right for us as a team, then I'm in. If not, then I'm not.
So I've decided not to decide basically.
That is a tough question to answer. Growing up, I always imagine I would have children but I didn't want them with my first husband. I realized after the divorce it was because I knew that I was in a wrong relationship and I didn't want a child with "him".
Then I met my second husband... we waited because he was not set on having children right away and I was okay. I got pregnant on my third year of marriage but unfortunately my angel baby was called home so soon. I was devastated over the lost pregnancy but it made me realize I really did wanted a child and after 1 and a half years of struggling, I finally conceived with my now ds.
Before I had DS, you couldn't get me to hold a baby or even babysit someone. I didn't hate children; I was more afraid of them and was awkward around them. DS changed my world and now you can expect me to ask if I can hold your baby. I was age 34 when I had my son and now I wish to have more. I don't know if it is in the works for me to get pregnant again but I wished I had more.
As for your health, only you know if something you can handle is or not. People go one way or the other when they have kids so it is hard to determine how you would be after having a baby as for as your medical issue.
My only advice is to do what you really want from your gut feelings.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
There's no need to make a decision right now, but I can't help but think about it and let it weigh on my heart. I figure it's a decision that will take a while to figure out and come to terms with either way, so it's a long process.
As far as the relationship swaying the thoughts/decisions, I think you could be right. I've never been asked before if someone possibly not wanting children was a dealbreaker, first of all. But also, dating someone with kids who could potentially be in my life is different for me, so it might change things. If I was dating someone who didn't have kids that asked me that, I might have said it could be a dealbreaker, because I do want children in my life somehow. That's an interesting thought.
(I kinda skimmed through this cause I am limited on time. Sorry if I missed something!)
Here is my advice. It sounds like you are feeling unfulfilled in a couple ways (finances, kids, mental/physical health) maybe you should work on the other ?non-child? issues first.
Work on finding a way to be happier in your work life. Take some classes, get certification in order to earn more money, make a better budget, start a ?future fund? (if you decide to have a child then this can help with expenses, if not then travel, or do anything else fun!).
Focus on your health issues in order to find a way to feel more energized. Yoga, exercise, ask for a sleep study, work with your doc to find some answers.
Set a goal for 1-2 years from now to be in a better place. Once you reach your goal/goals revisit the child issue. Feeling healthy and even slightly more secure financially may change your perspective. It is also better to make this kind of decision when you are in a solid place.
I think this is great advice, honestly.
I'm with you Emmi...I ALWAYS thought I wanted kids. I still do and the divorce freaked me out that I MAY not have kids. But I know I don't have to have kids to have a meaningful life. It's tough...but I like the advice above.
I do have my sights set on living abroad again for work if I dno't have kids/a relationship when I'm 35 (I'm 30) This actually provides a HUGE sense of relief for me in a strange way, like I have something good and something else to look forward to if kids just aren't on the table. 35 is an arbitrary #, but I figure I will have worked myself up enough at my company where they will pay me to move.
It is very natural to feel like we have (or will) fail as parents. I would not worry too much about that - your decisions about things like splurges and spending will level out after you decide one way or another. Example: you desire to occasionally splurge may turn into the desire to spend that on your child. And you will love it because you love your child.
I too, find myself very torn. Though I already have a child (almost 14) my battle is whether or not I want to start all over again at this stage in my life, even though I am only 32.
Give yourself some time and think it through. Remember, and I almost hate to sate this but, just because you have a child does not mean they will be there for you when you are old and alone. . . It is a very unfortunate and sad truth that I would never wish on anyone. So don't wrap your entire decision around this. Even if you are a widow down the road, you could always have good friends, another life partner, and if you have any siblings, you will still have your feeling of "family".
Best wishes and good luck.
I feel like I have done this. Every time I make progress I get slapped down and put further behind. Something always seems to come up.
Having a child was very important to me. Although my "family" didn't stay together I am so thankful for my son. He truly is my heart walking outside my body. Before you have a child you have no idea how you are going to find the time, money, energy to take care of them but when they come you just do it. You find a way and after a while it just becomes the new normal.
I think even if you have your health issue you would be ok if you had a partner to help you or if you have any family support close by to give you a break sometimes. I was lucky that I had my ex's family close by so they help a ton to give us breaks. And you need them because a newborn won't sleep through the night at first. My son was actually over a year old before he slept all night on a regular basis.
I personally am not too worried about having a child after 35. I am 33 and would still consider having one more child. There are so many women now a days that have kids successfully past 35. However, I'm not sure about your medication and getting pg. I have heard that there is some risk. So most likely you would need to talk to your doctor about the best plan there. Maybe you would just need to wean off the medicine for a few months? The first tri is usually the most crucial.
Before I had my son it was absolutely a requirement for me to be with a man who wanted a child or more children. From your post it sounds to me like you have a desire for a child. I think if your BF is completely opposed to it you really have to think about finding a partner who is on the same page as you.
I am 35, and I had chosen not to have children. However, now with my marriage in such a jumble and with the therapy I am going through, I am starting to wonder if I had decided not to have children because I didn't want them with my H (vs. not wanting them at all). I am wondering if I will maybe adopt someday? Or meet someone else (I really do want to spend a good long time single and in therapy before I make any moves toward seeking out a relationship, however) and have a child?
I know I will not have a child after the age of 40, but I guess I could see myself adopting a non-baby after the age of 40. It's like a big question mark for me at this time.
I completely understand where you are on this. And my best advice would just try and not think/worry about it until you have to. Depending on how your relationship with J (or anyone else for that matter) turns out could make the decision for you. I think when the time is right, things will all fall into place and what is supposed to happen will happen. And if you end up with a child, you will be happy regardless of the situation, and if you end up without one, you will be happy because there wouldn't have been any other option if too much time goes by. More than likely you won't have any regrets because you won't have been able to do it any other way.
I know this is completely cliche, but I really do believe it especially in this situation.
I completely feel for you on many levels. I'm right there with you.
Have you had your hormone levels tested? (all hormones?) That can do a number on energy levels.
Completely random post.. (I don't even lurk on this board, I just happened to make a wrong click today.)
As a disabled individual with a helpful husband and mother - I planned both of my children.. and don't recommend children to anyone.
If you're even remotely questioning it, don't do it. All those reasons not to do it are even bigger and more awful in reality.