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Mom is getting divorced, has no income. (long)
Hi all. No, this isn't an AE - just another lurker. I've just never posted before.
My mom is getting divorced; her husband (not my dad) told her a few weeks ago that he is leaving. Moving out of state. I can't say I am extremely surprised, as they definitely aren't happy, but they seemed like they would just stick it out to keep the status quo.
Here's the problem: my mom hasn't worked in 10+ years. They have been living on his small salary, and some money she has had saved from an inheritance and family gifts. She has diabetes, and is now at the point where she can't drive because she has little feeling in her feet. She was a SAHM most of my life, and has a total of about 8-10 years of admin. assistant experience.
She is about to be left alone, with no income, no health insurance. She doesn't qualify for disability because she hasn't worked. She's virtually unemployable, since she has no recent experience and cannot drive. I am able to help her somewhat financially, but not enough to support her. I am mad at myself for having a bit of foresight in being able to predict this situation, but hoping it wouldn't happen. Alas, here I am. So - What the eff can I do to help her?
More background: I live about 2 hours away from her. My brother lives in the same small-ish town that she lives in, but just barely supports himself. She does have a wealthy brother who has given her monetary gifts each year (about 10k). I'm hesitant to ask him for help, because I don't want to put her problems on him, but I'm at a loss as to what else I can do.
Re: Mom is getting divorced, has no income. (long)
There are buses and mass transportation, no?
There are other jobs that she can do that are mostly desk jobs: what about customer service? What about accounts receivable/accounts payable or a receptionist?
It sucks out there. You can't even tell anymore what an interviewer is thinking; there is a generic "one size fits all" approach to every candidate. You can't even tell anymore if there is genuine interest in you or if this is the "usual" routine they give all candidates, the good ones and the bad. It used to be that you could tell by the content of the interview whether you were in the running or not.
You can be an admin if you can type; it's fairly easy to learn a new software app that's geared to the office --- some public libraries and adult schools offer courses in software apps like Microsoft Word, Excel and Powerpoint. She can look into that, I think.
There is a small bus system that serves a limited area. She has a very sheltered, closed mindset, and wouldn't even know how to look up a bus route.
That said, point taken. I'm making excuses. And yes, she should have had the foresight.
One thing I should add is her health really isn't that great. I honestly don't know if she would be capable of walking to a bus unless it was right outside her door.
It's really pretty easy to look up a bus route; anybody who can use the web can find out bus route info fairly quickly.
What about a very local company, within very short walking distance?
Has her town got a shuttle bus? SOmetimes towns have them for those 55 and up. They're usually free for residents.
To build her confidence --- since she hasn't been in the workforce for awhile -- what about volunteering? Hospitals need volunteers; so do other groups found very locally.
If her health is that bad she will qualitfy for SS regardless of how much she has worked in the past!
Stop making excuses, she is a grown woman.
Thanks. I needed to hear that. I don't know why I feel guilty, or responsible. Maybe because she was a good mom. But she sure has made a mess of her life as of late, living in denial.
Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond to a lurker
This isn't true, unfortunately. I'm a social worker and have met quite a few patients that did not qualify for SS, it has to do with how many quarters you have paid into the system and how recently.
You can also qualify for financial need. Here's some basc information:
http://www.ssa.gov/disability/
In the meanwhile, she needs to call her brother. She should ask him for support for a good laywer to help with the divorce and SSI/SSD application - rather than straight cash. She has options, but she's going to need some professional help to help her through this transition.
My mother never had a job after her kids were born and 30 years later she qualified for SS. She had to get a lawyer and it took 2xs but she got it. Maybe it isthe one livin mentioned?
Has she got a genuine talent?
Perhaps do something that she can run out of her home --- seamstress, artist, other artsy skills, etc.
ditto
SSI and perhaps some work she can do at home (phone sales perhaps) can help. You can help if you can afford it but that's up to you and DH, perhaps best saved for emergencies.
She may be sheltered but she can get through the SS system to get her Medicare, or Medicaid (not sure which applies). Encourage her all the way even just saying how great it was that she could get her SS set up without being totally dependent on anyone else. She needs to know that she IS capable!
You can't get blood from a stone but have her get some pro bono legal assistance for alimony from the ex H.
GL
How old is your mother? Is she close to 65? Getting on disability will qualify her for medicare early, 2 years after disability goes into effect.
medicaid is an option as she is uninsured and low income. Many states have transportation services for doctors appts for those on medicaid. Also call your area agency on aging to ask about transportation resources.
Gretchen Evie, born 7/8/2012 at 35w5d
She can get SSI for financial need and poor health, if the health issues are things that can't be fixed by her own vigilance, not wanting to doesn't cut it.
Also, if she was on her husband's insurance she qualifies for COBRA, if you want to help her you could pay for that until she gets her own matters settled.
She needs a lawyer, both for the divorce and for the SSI claims. She may very well be able to get alimony and she should pursue it. It may also be possible to have her STBXH pay for the COBRA as part of the settlement.
She needs to be responsible for her own life. Many many disabled people work a job, and she can too.
Sometimes there are transport systems specifically for the disabled. They pick you up at your home and drive you (along a route with other people) where you need to go. See what transportation services her state / county / city offers.
They may also have re-training sessions for her.
She may not be able to walk, but can she get a wheelchair or a walker? Both may make her more mobile.
She needs to get an attorney, there are (depending on your location) pro bono organizations that will assist her in this. The longer the marriage, age, ability to get employment, etc. are factors that will get her alimony or a one time settlement/split of the marital assets. Her STBX cannot just up and leave with everything. The income he made during the marriage is hers too. State laws vary, but she can talk to an attorney about how to get a motion for temporary alimony during the divorce proceedings, and then go from there for what happens after.
In the meantime she can look for some type of job, maybe take courses at the community college, look into an employment agency. Just giving her money is not going to be sufficient, she needs to gain some skills--so money to help her with that is appropriate (the whole "teach a man to fish, you feed him for life" theme.) . Since mobility is an issue, are there work from home jobs she can do?
Have her make it part of the divorce settlement that he pays for her health insurance coverage.
She is only 58, to answer another previous question.
I appreciate all of the insight and responses.
She needs to act quickly on this. There are HIPPA laws and I still believe a 63 day gap between coverages is permitted.
It would be way cheaper for her to find coverage of her own.
At 58, you are not old and ancient and ready for the boneyard. Somebody will still hire her.
And a modified car is more or less, I believe, tax deductable. I don't think the driver of the car pays for any of the modifications.
We've been in a similar situation with a parent who has health limitations. We gave unlimited support on helping find jobs, work on the resume, interviewing skills, etc. and limited financial assistance. We named the amount of financial assistance and plans we would be willing to support with the $ so we weren't just flushing it down the toilet. It's worked out tolerably well. We both know we're on borrowed time and will need to step in with a more permanent plan to help the parent at a later date, but we've bought ourselves some time until the parent qualifies for social security.
I would sit down and ask her what her plan is for where to live and where to work. Use what she tells you to work on getting her to apply to jobs, getting her set up with a job skills center, finding a new residence that is by public transportation. I completely understand the emotional aspect of wanting to go in and fix things, but the point is that she is an adult who is in charge of her life. You can't fix bad decisions she's made in the past and as someone with a parent who has a similar life mentality I can tell you that no amount of pushing or forcing is going to make her step outside her bubble, take charge of her life and start being financially responsible for herself. We beat our heads against a door trying to get our parent to move to a lower COL with better jobs, to pursue a certain line of work that paid better, etc. etc. but in the end parent wanted to stay in the comfort zone which limited our options. We had to accept that it was her life and her decision but offered any assistance we reasonably could within what she was comfortable with. It's really hard, but better for you emotionally and more likely to be successful if you limit your involvement and the type of assistance you will offer from the outset.
At her age and with her health, she is uninsurable. No health insurance company is going to give her coverage. I'm 32 and much healthier than OP's mom, and I can't get a new individual policy. Unless she's in a state that has a high risk pool, she's SOL as far as getting her own coverage. Even with a high risk pool, she'll have to go without insurance for six months before qualifying.
She can get COBRA, and when COBRA ends, she can convert the policy to an individual policy. However, the policy is usually very expensive and not great coverage. Still, it's better than nothing. Hopefully she will qualify for something like Medicaid.
OP, your mom needs to get two different lawyers - a family lawyer and a lawyer who practices social security and disability law. Don't go to a general practice lawyer who says s/he can do both. Often the attorneys who practice social security/SSI law will define their practice as an elder law practice, and/or often do estate planning. The SSI attorney won't require a retainer. He will collect a percentage of the SSI payments once those begin. The family law attorney is going to require a retainer, and I'd talk to your uncle about helping with this.
I believe she is in the state of NJ -- it is state law that an insurance carrier cannod turn you down due to a preexisting condition.
She must still be covered under her stbxH's health insurance --- I am pretty sure he would be able to keep her covered if it's part of the divorce settlement he pay for her health insurance.
Her mother can call the state department of Banking and Insurance if there are any questions -- they are in Trenton.
I called the Dept of B&I when I was having a huge problem with a former employer and their Cobra/health care coverage. The ombudsman I spoke to was of great help to me.