Starting Over
Dear Community,

Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.

If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.

Thank you.

Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.

Intro

I have been with DH for 13 years married 4, started dating when we were both 17. I have been unhappy in the marriage for a couple years. We put off having children until things got better. The main issue in our marriage is that we can't communicate about anything, he would rather just ignore problems until they go away rather than dealing. He is an angry man and has a hard time dealing with emotions. 

I can't depend on him for help or support with issues in my life. His go to response when I want to talk about something is "I don't know".  The lack of communication has caused a great distance in our relationship which just seems to grow larger by the day. He also has a very hard time showing love and affection even though I have told him several times what it is that I need to feel loved and appreciated. I feel very alone in this marriage. It doesnt seem like much of a partnership. 

He refuses to help me with any household responsibilities so most of the time i feel like the maid and his mother. If I ask for help with anything he gets mad and accuses me of insinuating that he doesn't do anything around the house. Ithas come to the point that I just don't ask him for help anymore but I resent everything that I have to do for him because he would not do the same for me. 

We are separated and now he wants to try to fix things. He thinks that I have just given up. I have put in a lot of work to make this marriage work and given him so many chances. I am emotionally checked out and don't think I have it in me to trust things will ever change. 

I am in therapy for myself and just trying to figure out who I am without him.  

Sorry for the long post. You all seem so wonderfully supportive and I need all the help I can get can get :)

 

***Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.***

Re: Intro

  • Welcome. Smile

    My story is similar to yours in the fact that I was already checked out of the marriage by the time H decided he really wanted to fix things. I also gave him too many chances, and he didn't understand how I just couldn't trust him anymore.

    It makes your H feel better to believe that you have just given up, instead of taking responsibility for not being an attentive husband and loving partner in the first place. Don't fall for it, especially if you know that you are doing the right thing.

    image
  • imageLookingUp:

    Welcome. Smile

    My story is similar to yours in the fact that I was already checked out of the marriage by the time H decided he really wanted to fix things. I also gave him too many chances, and he didn't understand how I just couldn't trust him anymore.

    It makes your H feel better to believe that you have just given up, instead of taking responsibility for not being an attentive husband and loving partner in the first place. Don't fall for it, especially if you know that you are doing the right thing.

     

    This is exactly what happened in my marriage, as well.

    I tried everything I could, even suggesting therapy. He went to three sessions, and then refused to go to more. And at that point, I really did check out.

    By the time he was ready to really work on things (almost a year later), I was done. 

    And ditto the bolded times a billion. 

    image
    "You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
  • Thanks so much. It probably is easier for him to blame me for giving up.  I'm trying not to let him get to me but it's hard to not feel guilty about leaving. I know I am doing the absolute best thing for me right now and I'm trying not to lose focus on that. He said that he didn't realize our problems were that serious, so now that he knows he wants to fix it. I just don't believe it will be any different. If I wasn't a priority before why would I be one now? 
    ***Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life.***
  • imageWanderSky:
    Thanks so much. It probably is easier for him to blame me for giving up.  I'm trying not to let him get to me but it's hard to not feel guilty about leaving. I know I am doing the absolute best thing for me right now and I'm trying not to lose focus on that. He said that he didn't realize our problems were that serious, so now that he knows he wants to fix it. I just don't believe it will be any different. If I wasn't a priority before why would I be one now? 

    Exactly. It's his own fault for not listening to you and not respecting you enough to think that you meant what you said. Too little, too late. 

    You will be happy. It's only been two and a half months since I left, and I'm happier than I've ever been. Kudos to you for having the courage to decide when enough is enough. 

    image
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