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Lurker...I need advice
I'm just an occasional lurker, but I could really use some advice right now on my sister (I'll call her Jen). There's a lot going on here, but I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible!
Jen is 13 years older than me (I'm 27 and she's turning 40 this summer) and we've never been close. I'm sure the age difference doesn't help matters, but I have another older sister who is 15 years older and we're best friends. Since I can remember, Jen has always ridiculed me: by the time I was 8 I was too fat, I had thick eyebrows that needed waxed, I was ugly, etc. As I got older, the snarky comments kept coming, although they were aimed at my career choices, boyfriend choices, the clothes I wore, you name it. I'm not alone in this though, because she's done it to everyone else in my family (including our parents). Holidays were dreaded simply because everyone would walk on eggshells around her... As the years went by, I still kept reaching out to her. I wanted to have a close relationship with her so badly, similar to the one I have with my oldest sister -- or at the very least, I wanted answers: why does she have this need to put others down? Did I do something? Am I still doing something???
After my son was born, I asked her to be his Godmother. I absolutely regret this decision. I suppose I was hoping that this would build a bond between us so that we could move forward but nothing has changed. She never calls, not even on his birthday a few weeks ago (which is a huge thing in our family -- unless you're dying, you call on birthdays). I was worried so I tried to call her and she didn't pick up. I called the next day and no answer. Finally I called my oldest sister and she said that Jen was skiing. To say I was hurt would be an understatement. It's been clear in recent years that Jen is a source of a lot of toxicity in my life. I want to help her, and I want her to get to a better place emotionally...but at the same time I don't want to invest anymore time/emotion/energy, only to have her be rude and nasty towards me.
In speaking with our oldest sister tonight, she told me she's concerned about Jen and wants to know if I have any advice. Jen and her husband have been separated for 5 years now, yet she hasn't signed the papers and they're still sleeping together. Meanwhile, Jen has a serious boyfriend who she's been dating for 2 years (obviously he doesn't know about her still sleeping with her husband). She's also seeing/sleeping with a third man, and is keeping it a secret from everyone. 
She's gained about 30 lbs in the last year, and usually only calls my oldest sister when she's drunk. Anytime our oldest sister tries to talk to her about what's going on in her life, she gets defensive and the conversation usually turns into a heated argument. Our oldest sister wants to try to get through to Jen, but I have my doubts.
At this point, I don't know what I can/should do. This might sound selfish and cold but I have a family of my own, a career, and a cross-country move planned for this summer. I don't know how much time I really want to (or even CAN) spend trying to help someone who has done nothing but be a toxic force in my life. What would you do in this situation? Am I being unreasonable?
*hands out cookies to anyone who actually made it through this post*
Re: Lurker...I need advice
she's 40 do you think by "reaching" out to her again she is going to magically change? the whole family has been enabling her behavior her whole life.
She isn't going to change until she sees some negative results from her behavior.
so, what if she is sleeping with 3 men...how does this interfere with your life? what impact does it make on you?
step away
Yeah, I agree with PPs. I don't know that you need to cut her out of your life in a dramatic way, but just embrace the distance that had always been there between you two. She sounds like a train wreck, why would you want her mess of a life any closer to you?
She is a grown up, if your other sister brings up helping her again just say you aren't going to and you hope she's okay.
Regarding the godmother thing--it sounds like you were trying to make her something she is not and won't ever be. I never had one and it was not a big deal, so go with that or find a new person if it is more important in your life.
Live your life for YOU. Accept that she isn't going to be a role model in your child's life. Accept that she's probably not going to have much of any relationship w/ your chil.
It sucks. Trust me, I get it. Aside from the nasty attitude, a lot of what you wrote I could have written about my 45 yr old BIL. it makes us REALLY sad that he doesn't want to be more involved in our DS's life, or in our lives, for that matter. But it is what it is and trying to make it something else simply isn't going to work.
As Mags said - step away. Focus on your DH and child, and focus on the good relationship you have w/ your other sister.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Ditto Mags and ECB. It's not your place to butt into her life. And quite honestly, I don't know why you keep reaching out to someone who has continued to hurt you throughout your life.
Just because this person is related to you by blood and has the title of "sister" does not give her a pass to treat you like garbage.
She is never, EVER going to become the big sister you want her to be, the big sister you dream of. It ain't gonna happen. And there's nothing you can do to change her, make her reflect on her behavior, or become a good godmother to your son.
You might want to talk to a counselor to help you come to grips with this situation.
It's not your business who she's sleeping with. And since you probably got the information from your sister, not directly from Jen, it's gossip. Yes, I understand that it was well intentioned gossip in the spirit of "How can we help?" - its still talking behind her back about someone who doesn't care much about you or want you to know any of this.
It's very hard to accept this relationship as lost and unlikely to ever get resolved. But you must, especially since she's likely drinking too much and making some odd personal choices. Forgive yourself for never being close to her, accept her for who she is, and let both of you go live your lives separately.
And on a side note, just becuase calling on birthdays is a "really big deal in your family" doesn't mean its a really big deal to her. Stop expecting her to fall into line and not be exactly who she's been for the last 39 years.
You're not wrong to feel hurt by her insensitivity ... but on the other hand, you're continually setting yourself up for disappointment by expecting her to care about you and your family. Or anyone besides herself.
Godparents really, really are not that big a deal in the long run. (And I come from a super-Catholic family so it's not like I'm dissing religion here. Really, godparents serve no actual purpose, just a symbolic purpose.) My brother's godfather is our uncle ... he married some woman who talks shiit about our family, moved across the county with her, never calls and never sent back his reply card for my wedding. We haven't disowned him or gone out of our way to tell him what we think or anything, but we just don't give a shiit. We don't contact him and he doesn't contact us. It's as simple as that. Do the same with your sister. You don't have to formally denounce your relationship with her ... just stop contacting her.
As for her sex habits and her weight gain and all her other flaws, butt out. Whether she's your best friend or your worst enemy, it is absolutely not your place to approve of how she lives her life. If she's not directly harming you or your family, then keep your mouth shut and stop judging her.
Be polite when you absolutely have to see her at family gatherings, and say as little as possible. Don't invite her to things, don't call her, don't expect calls or gifts from her. Just lower your expectations down to zero and you will stop being disappointed by her. Stop wasting your time on someone who has told you time and again (in both actions and words) that she does not want to be your friend. I'm sorry that she's so nasty to you, but the fact of the matter is that family members will not always be your friends.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I hope it was a chocolate chip cookie.
I agree with pp. Your sister is never going to be a true sister to you. She's never going to treat you with love or respect. She's never going to be a godmother to your son. I think therapy might help you come to grips with that.
One of my sisters was really mean and abusive to me from when I was 10-14 years old. She liked to shove, kick, hit, grab my books out of my hand and rip them in half etc etc. (She was struggling with some serious things at the time not that she is excused from her behavior.) If she hadn't done a 180 degree turn I'd be hard pressed to be anything more than polite at family gatherings. Even now 12 years later things are still not quite right.
Exactly this.
I absolutely agree with you.
It's not that her sleeping with 3 men interferes with my life. You're right, what she chooses to do in her (or anyone else's) bedroom is none of my business and the last thing I would want to do is judge her for it. What I was trying to convey is that she's making self-destructive choices in her life. Despite our terrible relationship, I'm genuinely concerned for her. My oldest sister and Jen are close, and she was confiding in me...to be honest, it's a little heartbreaking to see her go through that. I will always love her and I just want her to be ok, but I think you're right that I need to cut my losses and step away.
I have to go with everyone else. Stop wasting your time. It sucks to have a one-sided relationship with someone you want so badly to be close to, but she clearly isn't making the effort so why should you? You tried, she blew it off, you got your answer.
As for her bed-hopping with the 3 men, let her learn her own lessons and deal with any fallout. It's not your problem. Concentrate on your own family, home and career and be happy with them and the loved ones you do have a good relationship with.
You need to ask yourself why you keep "going back for more" with your sister and expecting a different result. Frankly, your sister appears miserable and attempts to make others just as miserable as she is. This is unlikely to change without some major change on your sister's part and the motivation to make that change, which will only come if and when she hits rock bottom.
Stay out of it with your sister. It won't change anything and you'll expend a lot of your effort getting nowhere.
She's turning F O R T Y.
That explains a whole lot. You should leave her alone, and let your other sister - who IS in touch with her - and your MOTHER deal with this. YOU need to turn to other things. And realize that turning 40 is H U G E.
also a lurker
I will never understand why women insist on
trying to have the relationship they want. This
sister is not changing, why do you have to
have the same relationship that you have with
you other sister. Get over it.
A couple of my friends do this with their mothers also,
they have allowed their mothers to torture them
for years. I just don't get it.