International Nesties
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Re: "I just wish he would have an affair!"
I think divorcing because your no longer "in love" means that you likely had false expectations as to what marriage is usually like. If you want to have butterflies in your stomach perpetually when you see your SO, then you're probably best off not getting married and switching partners when "the spark" dies down.
I see marriage as two people committing to spend the rest of their lives together, supporting each other through good times and bad (sounds corny, but I think it's a key part of vows that often gets thrown out the window when bad times actually come), and - if they want to and are able - working together to raise a family.
In that model, love as defined by "the spark" isn't a central part of the equation. Should sexual attraction be there? Yes, definitely, but I think it's perfectly ok if there are times when you are less sexually attracted to your spouse for whatever reason.
This is me speaking after only 6 years of marriage, though. Maybe I'll feel differently in 30 years. What I wonder, though, is what exactly these women are looking for? If they are just interested in not being married, what part bothers them? Sleeping next to the man? Eating dinner with him? Spending weekends with him?
I think that being unhappy and not in love are good enough reasons to consider divorce. I don't see the point in underlying that these women aren't victims of abuse; abuse sure isn't the only legitimate cause of unhappiness.
Of course I wouldn't skip directly to divorce, rather I'd do everything possible to save the marriage.
I also don't buy the "guilt" argument. I'm inclined to think that women that endure an unhappy marriage do it out of habit or comfort, not out or respect or compassion for their spouses (I'm sorry this sounds a bit cynical). If that was the case they would leave their spouses sooner so they could go on with their lives and find happiness. The fact that they hope for them to have an affair proves that they're just waiting for the other person to give them the opportunity, 'cause in fact, they don't have the guts to make the decision themselves. I would feel for someone who told me she fell out of love, is heartbroken about it and is struggling with how to bring it up... but not for someone who simply told me she wished for her husband to sleep with another woman. I'm sorry, that's unacceptable for me, and quite lame.
Personally, although married for less than a year, hubby and I are going on 16 years of love story, 14 of which we've lived under the same roof and achieved all we have. I can't say I have the same kind of butterflies I had when I first saw him but I definitely have butterflies. I don't have reason to believe that the relationship is doomed to lose spark, although I'm sure it will change and grow into something different as it did before over the years. But that's positive. I guess, the kind of person you are will reflect on every aspect of your life, since we're passionate, ever-changing individuals, our relationship is just that. I think that more than having expectations (about marriage, in this case) one should "shape" the relationship into one's dream, work on it, stay involved. I feel that sometimes unhappiness is confused with boredom.
While I guess it's ok to divorce your H for any reason, I think it's kind of cr@ppy/unfair to split 'just 'cause' and it's not something I personally would do.
The people I know that fall into that category (wanting a divorce just because) happen to all be men. So I'd say it can be a two-way street. WRT the guys I know I think it's just a classic case of the grass is always greener kind of thing. All were married and had kids young-- which is totally fine as general concept it's just for these winners, by the time they hit 40 they felt "old, tired, and like life was passing them by being stuck w/ the fam". Awesome. So, in one case, 4 kids into, he just peaced out. If he's the kind of guy that would do that, his ex is, ultimately, better off w/o him. Regardless, I still feel it was pretty unfair to put her in that position.
From my experience, a "nice guy" isn't always a nice guy. I would say that my ex is a great guy. He's stable, he's funny, he's good-looking, he's nice, he cleans up around the house, and he has a million great qualities. And I will admit that I was a tiny bit relieved when I found out he was toeing the line of appropriate when it came to flirting with his now-girlfriend. Not because I wanted an excuse to leave him, but because it let me know that he probably wanted out too.
However, in hindsight? He wasn't such a wonderful guy. There was a reason I was unhappy. We had problem. Sure we fought once in a while, but even when we weren't fighting, I wasn't getting the emotional support that I needed. Just because someone is a good guy and everyone loves him, doesn't mean that he's a great spouse. Maybe I'm deluded in my ideas of marriage, but when I'm having a tough day, I want my spouse to be there to support me. I don't want to try to hide it from him, because I know that I won't get the kind of response that I need. Sure we'd talked about things like this, but fundamentally he just didn't understand (and was very averse to couples therapy). I had to find ways to cope with the fact that in certain cases I was alone in my marriage. It may be idealistic, and maybe I do have misguided notions about marriage, but I don't think you should feel alone in your relationship.
Just because a guy isn't abusive or a felon doesn't mean that he's a great husband. And sometimes it just isn't something he's willing/able to fix. I think that if you're to the point where you want out, in a lot of cases there really is a reason behind it, even if it's not as dramatic as "he cheated on me" or "he beats me" or "he blew our life savings on hookers and blow."
There are probably plenty of cases where people got married with misguided expectations, but I think there are also a lot of cases where the marriage just isn't working for very unspectacular reasons or that people grew and changed and don't really make the great couple they once did, and society seems to have trouble accepting that sometimes people just want to cut their losses. "You made a vow!" "The sanctity of marriage!"
It was a tough decision to split up, but one day I just realized that I was staying in my marriage because it was what society/religion/our families/etc expected us to do, but I had those (hopefully) 40 years left of my life, and that was a long time to keep trying to make something work that wasn't working. You only get one life, so why waste it struggling to be happy when you have a much better chance of being happy by splitting up?
I don't think any marriage should go down without a fight. Work at it. Go to couples therapy. Go to solo therapy if your spouse won't go. Give it a few years of really solid effort. And if it's not getting better, stop and re-evaluate.
Sorry, I'm rambling!