Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How much do you sacrifice for a marriage?
Hi again -
As some of you may know from my other posts, I am going through a very rough patch with my marriage. I have been thinking more and more about divorce, although I'm just not ready to take that step yet. In many ways I've already checked out, but I just can't do it. I just keep hoping.
My question here is about marriage and sacrifice. When two people get married, of course there are sacrifices to be had. One may be a night person, and one a morning person. One may be a neat freak, and the other a little sloppy. One may be a penny pincher, and the other more free in spending. You get the idea. Most people have their differences, and two people in a marriage usually compromise or bend a little.
However, how much is too much?
I love my husband, but I'm worried about the sacrifices I'm starting to make.
Let me back up for a second here. Long story short, I've had a very rough past in my own life. Right now, I'm a recovering alcoholic with about 8 months of sobriety under my belt. I'm making steps to make some huge corrections and get on the right path.
However, even though I'm going through this process, I still feel lacking in my marriage. It's not going to be 100% on day one, I get that, but I'm still so sad so often.
Now that I'm more clear headed and have time to think and plan, it seems like my husband and I are going in two different directions. He wants to start to settle down and have that "normal" life. He wants to have children. Raise a family. And, for lack of better wording, "put on his argile sweaters and go to church". NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. But he envisions the typical, normal, average 2.5 kids with a picket fence family.
I'm on the opposite side of that spectrum. I still have a wild child streak in me. I don't want children. I want to get a tattoo. I want to delve into my photography and travel to every corner of the globe. I want to swear sometimes and drive with the music loud. You get where I'm going.
I guess the concern is, how much do you sacrifice? If I stay with my husband, I just feel like part of me is dying. I feel like he looks down on me for wanting to do a few bad girl things every now and again. And his idea of having the 2.5 kids is a snooze fest for me.
How much do you sacrifice? I am scared to death that trying to save my marriage means giving up ME. Giving up who I really am.
And the same probably goes for him. I'm sure when I talk about wanting to explore the Amazon, he thinks about how to tote the kids along. I don't want him to have to give up himself for me.
Ugh. Suggestions?
I'm not saying either one of us is right or wrong. Wanting the perfect family is not wrong. Wanting a tattoo does not make me a horrible person. I'm just finding the two lifestyles aren't meshing. I am scared to death of divorce and change..... but I'm also scared to death to give up a core part of me.
HELPS!
Re: How much do you sacrifice for a marriage?
P.S. - Please don't brand me as immature. I, too, go to church every Sunday. I go to bed at 10pm at most nights. I pay my taxes on time and don't run red lights.
I'm just concerned I'm going to have to sacrifice the adventrous side of me that I love. And that he isn't accepting of that part of me. I don't feel like I can supress that or give that up and be happy.
Have you talked to a therapist or someone at AA about making a decision like this while getting sober? I'm not sure how the addiction factors in to things, but I imagine it makes making major life decisions a lot more difficult.
All I can tell you for sure is do not have kids that you don't 100% want. I have always wanted to be a mother and I have 3 amazing kids that I adore, with that said it is still far and away the most difficult thing I have ever done and there are times I miss my life before kids. Do not give your potential future children a mother that doesn't want them all the way. It wouldn't be fair to you, your H or them.
Does he know that you do not want children? Does he expect you to have them anyway? Was this something you talked about before marriage?
The children thing is a big issue right now. We both agreed when we were married that we wanted to be a couple first. That kids would be down the line. Both of us were open to children. If it was what fate had for us, we were good with it.
Timing never came for children. Job situations, living situations, my drinking issues. Now timing seems right, and we are finding ourselves on opposite sides of the spectrum. It was a huge disservice that we didn't talk about it more in depth at an earlier time, but I can't change that now. I'm concerned about giving up things I want to do or be, and he feels betrayed that I am thinking opposite of him now.
We do see a therapist together. We are working on it, but there are still some major dents to think through. Our therapist told us he does not think we connect anymore.
I see someone individually. I also go to AA on a regular basis and do the sponsor thing. My therapist told me she thinks I already made my decision and am just not at the point to act yet. She also is concerned that I will go back to drinking if I have to suppress myself.
I can't say for sure if part of the reason I drank was because I was trying to be a little wild while in the confines of my own home, but I do know that when I drank I didn't have to deal with problems. That was a big bonus. Just drunk myself out.
Now that I've been sober for some time, I'm really starting to have to face these issues.
To the second person that responded, we have been talking.
We decided that we would not do anything major until I had a year under my belt. It's still an easy time to relapse. We both feel safer with some time. Time for me to be more clear headed and time for me to be more stable in sobriety.
Well, it doesn't sound like you're very compatible. Were you drinking when you were dating and engaged? Perhaps you didn't make the best decisions regarding marriage and partners while you were drinking.
If he wants kids and you don't, it's pretty much a dealbreaker. At 8 months sober, you're not well enough to get pregnant and have a child if it's not what you want. It would be recipe for a relapse.
So to your question, how much should you sacrifice, well having kids would be too much. Sorry, but I don't see how this marriage can really work without major resentment on one (or both) side.
AA recommends against making relationship decisions within 1 year of getting sober. They recommend it for a reason -- born out of experiences with addiction.
You need to continue going to meetings and working on your sobriety. Tell your husband that any discussions of breeding must be postponed until your first anniversary. Go to individual counseling and figure yourself out some more.
When you talk about still being a wild child, I don't hear "I don't want the responsibilities of a child", I hear "I don't want to give up the "wild" part of me - much of what was expressed in my addiction to alcohol". In some ways, you know that if you want to go back to drinking, you can. You know that if you have kids, returning to alcohol will be devastating. So this whole internal struggle is about a lot more than diapers and late nights and tattoos.
Let yourself have the time to figure it all out...go to meetings and work your program. Meeting makers make it.
I'm tired today, so if this doesn't make sense, I apologize in advance! I don't see what you've posted as huge issues when it comes right down to it. I think you can have both worlds if you want. I'm a parent and still go out. I have a full-time, grown-up job and I have 8 tattoos and love to travel (without my kids). I still swear like a sailor and attend church regularly.
I guess, in my head, you're probably changing and evolving after making a huge life change. (And kudos to you for getting help!). Both of your roles have changed and, a lot of times the spouse is the caregiver and suddenly he's not sure what his place is, kwim? I think that if you both want to work on this, you will both need to be committed to changing/growing in the same direction rather than growing in different directions. If you've already checked out, though, I'd say it's probably pretty hard to get things back on track.
Are you in counseling (either individually or couples)?
I don't think you should have to change who you are to be in a relationship, but I also don't think everything has to be so black and white.
I agree with the others who suggest not making any big choices until you've been sober a bit longer.
People can (and do) travel the world, get tattoos, drive with loud music, and take pictures for a living while being married with children. Based on what you've written, I have to wonder if you're really bored with the lifestyle you think your husband wants, or if you think of yourself as boring now that you've quit drinking.
Regardless, your husband should support your dreams and you should support his. If you have mutual love and understanding, I think its possible to come to an agreement. If not, there's no sense wasting anymore time.
I agree with all of the above!
Umm I have 2 kids, and 12 tattoos, and I drive with my music too loud. I do not get to travel though but only b/c I can't afford it not because I have two kids. When we do go on vacation we take the kids with us. And yes I have left my kids in the care of other people while I vacationed on my own.
Having kids does not mean you are giving up part of yourself at all, or at least it shouldn't be. I still do all the things I did before I had kids now that I have them. I still go to bars, get tattooed, I play pool with my friends, I go dancing, I swear (sometimes in front of my kids) when I am with other adults. I am a mom I am not dead. My life did not stop just because I had kids (I had them really young too at 21 and 24). It changed for sure, but for the better. I can't imagine not having my kids and it is definitely not a "snoozefest".
You seem like you are more the kind of person that just doesn't want kids. And that is perfectly fine. But your husband wants kids. This is a huge issue that is not going to change and from the information you presented one of you will end up resenting the other if you choose to have kids or not have kids together. He wants to settle down and you do not. You are not the same people you were at 17. None of us are. There is nothing wrong with admitting you have changed and want different things in life and splitting up.
Just to back up for a second.
The kids issue and the "free spirit" (for lack of finding a good word) issue are two seperate things. I do not think that having kids will hinder my wants to go out and travel, do photography, etc.
He wants kids. I do not. We have split on this issue. That's its own thing.
I want a tattoo and to play loud music. He sees these as character faults in me. A tattoo would horrify him (which is why I don't have one).
It is not the kids I see hindering my desire to be me. He wants me to suppress this more creative side.
Sorry. Will type more. Need to run for now. Sorry I'm a bit disjointed.
I have had GF's that always say "I can't get a tattoo, my husband would divorce me"....I don't understand this and I think your husband should love you no matter what. If you want to get a tattoo you should. A tattoo does not change who you are.
As far as the kids issue, it's a big deal. My XH and I always talked about wanting kids. When it came down to it, he didn't want to have kids until later in life and I didn't want to wait 10+ years (which is what his thoughts were on the subject)
I also went through a rough period in my life of drinking. I just recently took 2 months off and it really made me realize what kind of person I was when I was drinking...which is not someone I wanted to be. I NEVER thought i would be able to stop drinking. After the first 2 months it became a lot easier. My BF and I both stopped drinking for two months and it helped us in so many ways. We drink now occasionally, but no where near as much as we were. Most days I don't even feel like drinking.
I would say if you guys aren't on the same page with kids then maybe this is not meant to be. Kids is a really big issue, and it's important to be on the same page.
Good luck with everything!
Okay, back to try to make more sense.
At the end of the day, the kids issue may be the final deciding factor. I do know that we are on opposite sides of that debate right now, but I am giving it at least a year into sobriety to be open to the idea. Now that I understand myself a little more, I want to give it at least some time. However, I also agree with the other posters. If I decide I do not want children, I am not going to have them just to please someone else. That is unfair to everyone around.
Also, as I said before, it's not that I'm worried that having kids will hinder my ability to be me.
I am worried that what is hindering me from being me is my husband. I love him, but he hates the tattoo idea, dislikes swearing, and frowns on the loud music.
I don't want to be crazy and wild to a fault. But when I try to express that more creative and adventrous side of me, I get frowned upon. Just the looks are enough to get me to shut up about what I want to do.
I guess it wasn't always like this. Or maybe it was. Being sober is just opening my eyes to much more.
I did talk to my therapist today. She said she sees me having no problem moderating myself (getting a small tattoo vs. one on my forehead). However, she thinks that since I feel like I have to ignore my desire to express myself, I over compenstate in bad areas (drinking).
Meh.... it was a long conversation this morning with her, but I got a lot of out of it. I'm trying to move forward.
Thanks for the replies so far. I hope this made a little more sense.
It sounds like sobriety has brought clarity and you now realize that your husband isn't the right man for you. Now may not be the right time for a divorce, but you shouldn't stay married forever to someone who doesn't love you for who you really are.