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Dad's starting over
Hey all I'm having a really rough day and it always seems to help when you can get it out.
As you may have seen my uncle passed away under some very unusual circumstances. Which has been especially hard for me since the three year anniversary of losing my mom is a couple weeks away, April 5th, 2009.
On top of all of that my dad has recently started dating. I was really happy for him at first because he was going to singles events and dates and just getting out in general. I had been worried about him, he was basically sitting alone drinking all night and weekend. So this was a big deal and I really do what him to be happy. Well fast forward he apparently has a "girl friend." We were talking last weekend and he mentioned about how he needed to conspire for her to meet me and all his friends. Then today he sent me pics of a hiking trip they went on with some group, which also included pics of the two of them.
AHHHH I'm so not ready for that. It's fine to hear about it and share dating advice. But I don't want to see pictures of them and I certainly don't want to meet this woman or have her at family events already. I know I just need to talk to him about it. But I also really don't want to hurt his feelings.
Oh and on top of that I need to tell one of the guys I'm dating that I don't want to see him anymore, because I really want to see what's gonna happen with guy #2. But I'm so bad at breaking it off. I mean we usually meet for dinner. Do I just blurt it out before we order or wait till were done eating? How's this supposed to go. And in the meantime things with guy #2 are moving at a snails pace. Which I'm clearly not used to and it's driving me crazy, but I really like him.
Whew? thanks if you made it this far. Any advice on any of my ridiculous issues?
Re: Dad's starting over
You do NOT need to be telling your father that you do not want to meet this woman or see pictures. I can only imaging how hard it was for him to finally feel comfortable enough getting out there again. You will totally set him back if you tell him it bothers you now. Especially now that he is really happy. How torn will that make him and he doesn't deserve that because it makes you uncomfortable.
I am not trying to sound unsympathetic - I am blessed to still have my parents and I cannot imagine how hard that must feel to see your dad with someone new, but at some point you have to put his feelings before yours, especially when it comes to HIS happiness.
As for the dating, I wouldnt even go on another date. I would call him and ask him to come by and talk then. Going out that night will just make it awkward.
The only advice I can offer is on your Dad dating. My mom also passed three years ago and my Dad tried dating about a year ago. He ran into a lot of issues along the way and we talked about it. At first it was kind of weird, but it was also so nice to see him happy and excited about something and getting out and doing normal things in a social setting. Although it was emotional for me at times, the benefits really outweighed any sadness I might have. Because we talked about things and I tried to emotionally support him I also came to realize that absolutely nobody would replace my Mom in his eyes....but he's young and the fact that he lost a fabulous spouse shouldn't mean that he has to spend the rest of his life alone and lonely. I definitely would not want to close an opportunity he might have to find companionship again. I'm also very secure in the fact that my Dad is 100% dedicated to his kids and would never start ignoring us because he was in a relationship.
You need to pinpoint why it is that you are uncomfortable and at least give this woman a chance. If its an emotional issue, counseling may help. I will never be healed from my mother's death or over it, but I also don't want it to take over and cloud everything that would make me happy. She was an awesome lady and she would not have wanted that; she would have wanted my Dad to be happy too.
Why do you want to break things off with #1 if things with #2 are moving so slowly? I wouldn't even bother to go to dinner, I'd just call him and let him know you don't think it will work out, leave it at that. If you do it at the beginning of dinner you have to sit through an awkward dinner, do it at the end and he'll be sitting there wondering why he wasted the time and feel weird and squicky that you sat there the whole time intending to end things with him.
re: dad - i don't think you should say anything. not to be rude, but it's been three years and just because you're not ready doesn't mean that your dad isn't. i cannot even imagine how you feel, so i'm sorry if i'm coming off harsh, but i really don't think you should say anything. you kinda just have to suck it up and be happy for your dad. maybe once you see them together and see how happy your dad is, you'll feel better about it. i am sorry you don't feel ready though.
re: ending things with guy - how many times have you guys gone out? i would probably just call him and end it. no point in going out again if you already know you're done.
As someone who tried to fight my dad dating (different situation, he left my mom), all I did was alienate my dad and put a strain on our relationship. His dating life was really none of my business and by refusing to accept the woman he's been with for the past 15 years, for many years, I only hurt myself. Instead of celebrating holidays with them, I spent a few hours with him a few days later, etc.
It's one of my biggest regrets and I urge you not to do it to yourself.
I mostly lurk over here, but this is a subject I am delaing with right now as well. My mother passed away 11/08/2010.
My father has just started "hanging out with someone". I am thrilled that this is happening. It really takes the weight off my mind that he is alone and doesn't have anyone to do things with. It helps that the woman my father has been spending time with has been a family friend for over 40yrs. Her husband passed away in 2008 and I know that she loved her husband like my dad loved my mom. Our families have been so close for so long.
I remember when my dad was telling DH & I that he wanted to "ask her out" and he was so nervous my sister and I would be upset about it. He was very thoughtful in telling us that our mom was our mom & he missed her every second of the day and will always love her, that no one could ever replace her, but he needed to (for himself) move on, he needed to start to live his life again. I really respect my dad for that and embrace anything that will make the next (hopefully) 20 yrs of his life and what ever he needs to do to make this time easier without my mom is ok with me.
Just pelase understand that he is not doing this to hurt you, he is trying to go on with his life and he seems to just want to share his happiness with you.
I was on the other side of a similar situation re: your dad. My mom married a widower and his kids were not happy. It was much sooner than in your case, they got married just a year after her death (they knew each other before though - he was her best friend's brother). They've been married 19 years now. His kids really alienated their dad with their slow acceptance of my mom and it was the kids that really missed out. My mom is a wonderful woman and makes him very happy. His daughter even stopped speaking to him for many years. It's really sad because he's a great guy too and they were really lucky to have him as a dad. Plus what would your mom want and how do you know that she didn't send this woman into your dad's life?
Regarding breaking up with the guy in person, I would say don't do it. Do it over the phone. I had a bf break up with me in a restaurant before and I thought it was terrible for me to get all dressed up and excited about going out only to break up with me. It would have been much kinder if he had done it over the phone.
Regardless, you are obviously going through A LOT and its very reasonable for you to have all these feelings. I hope you have someone you can talk to about all this.
This. Especially since you all live far away. Do it over the phone, especially since it doesnt seem like you all were exclusive since you are seeing another guy
I am very confused. So you want your dad to date but you don't want him to have a girlfriend? If you want your dad to date then you shouldn't be upset when he finds someone he likes and wants to introduce her to his friends and family. If you are not ready for him to have a girlfriend then you also are not ready for him to date. Maybe I'm wrong but it isn't uncommon for a couple to go on just a few dates and be ready to at least commit to not dating anyone else to see where the relationship can go.
But I do understand that meeting her might be difficult for you. If you are not ready to meet her then I guess you will just have to tell your dad that. But I don't think you can speak for other family members.
It's been three years? And you're an adult. You surely realize you and your father suffered two different kinds of loss. You lost your mother, the person who loved you most and knew you best. He lost his wife, after fulfilling his vow to her till death did them part. You don't get a new mom; he does get to have a new girlfriend. And three years is long enough.
welcome this woman, she's made your father happy. Don't rain on his parade because you miss your mother; him sitting around alone and lonely will not bring her back to you and does not honor her memory or their relationship.
And tell the man you don't want anymore on the phone, before you meet for dinner. Nothing's worse than getting dumped in a public place AND getting stuck with the tab. You cannot possibly think you'll make small talk through dinner and then tell him? that would be the height of awkward.
Have you read the book Motherless daughters?
I'm also in the position where I still mourn my Mom but there aren't a lot of opportunities to actually experience those feelings so I'm a little bit in limbo. Day to day everything is normal, but I'm still sad sometimes and don't necessarily have a reason or a chance to talk about it. We're taught that we're supposed to get over messy feelings and move on. I wonder if your dad dating is more an opportunity for you to address and experience the sadness you still have and less about not wanting him to date period. I think if you get to the root of the emotions that make this hard for you and embrace them,. find other ways to experience them and incorporate them into your life, you might find more peace in the idea of him dating.
For me I went through gobs of therapy, etc. etc. and in the end I realized I get to be sad sometimes, I want to be sad sometimes, and while it won't consume my life I'm sure going to let myself experience the loss of my Mom whenever I need. I'm not supposed to be better, fine and move on, I'm just supposed to live with her memory and make it a good life.