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"time-waster" and texting etiquette
Someone responded to a post about texting back and forth without ever getting asked out as being a "time-waster". I absolutely love this term, because it is so true. I truly believe that if someone is into you, you will know it, and if you don't, then they obviously aren't.
So, what do you do when someone is texting you for quite awhile (staying up late to text almost nightly for over a month), one date has happened in the meantime, with the promise of another, then the texting fades off, and becomes every other day, then maybe a few times a week. Do you just stop returning texts because you know it is pretty much over with and is basically "obligatory" at this point, or do you keep responding to these "going nowhere" texts?
Would your answer be different if you worked for the same institution together, but in different departments? I don't want to come off as mad or something.
My gut is telling me he obviously just isn't into me, like I am into him, but I would feel bad not returning texts. So, do I just respond to the texts without asking him questions, hoping he will get the point that I just need to move on?
Sorry this is long, elementary, and pointless. I am just curious. Thanks!
Re: "time-waster" and texting etiquette
depending on what mood I'm in I'd either ignore him or flat out tell him that he's wasting my time/ I'm not interested in a "text relationship
When in doubt I tend to just be honest
In the past, I probably would have continued texting back as I could've been a time waster myself up to a point.
But now, I am definitely more honest and direct so I would ask the other person nicely what the deal is and then cut my ties rather fast if they are not into me. Life is just too short. I also want a man who can clearly communicate his feelings and thoughts to me so this would be a "test" for me.
I was first going to say either don't respond or maybe one word responses, but I like what everyone else said much better. Your time is valuable so what's the point? It would be different if you both just wanted to be friends but it doesn't sound like that's the case. Just be direct.
I had sort of a similar situation happen and I kind of put him on the spot about getting together. He made an excuse about being busy but tried to leave it open ended. Once I realized it wasn't important enough to him to make the time for it I stopped responding. Problem solved.
Pretty sure this post is a result of my question about D last night, and I think after what happened, I'll be much more direct in the future.
I don't think I was particularly concerned about waiting so long to meet up because we'd been attempting to make plans, but first he was out of town, and then I was out of town, and then he had the work issue, so it was kind of seeming like the fates were against us. And we were really enjoying chatting online, even when we were both out of town, so I didn't think much of it until he didn't seem to be trying to set up a new date after ours was cancelled.
Again, though, once I was more direct with him and asked him if he'd thought about rescheduling our get together, he jumped on it and started suggesting places right away. Had he not done that, I would have cut it off.
ETA: In your situation, I would definitely take pdx's advice. Tell him that texting is great, but you'd love to meet up in person and see what he says.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
Thanks for all of the replies. There is just too much gray area on this one, so I am just not comfortable with how it is progressing/not progressing. Between my gut instinct and my standards of how I want a man to treat me and make me feel, he is just not making the cut right now, as much as I so badly wanted him to! NEXT!
Have you actually initiated trying to get together again, or are you just waiting for him to do so? And if you are waiting, why? For all you know, he's waiting for some kind of sign from you and hasn't gotten anything, so he's not texting as much (but this would really also be a reason why people shouldn't rely on texting so much...).
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I did ask him to get dinner with me one night. He wasn't available, he suggested getting together the following week some night before I left for my cruise. Because I felt rejected, I just shrugged it off saying that it was probably good that I didn't go out that night because I should be working on a paper anyway. (My fault, I know). We texted very little that week (maybe 5 texts (not conversations) total the whole week), then he text me right before I embarked telling me to have fun on my cruise. I responded back thank you and to add me on fb (I was drinking and can't believe I was that bold) because I would be posting pics. He added me, I sent him a super-short msg that week saying we had limited access to internet and would post pics after we got back - no response, As soon as I got back from vacation, he left for a week long trip which he is still on. This is where we are. I am assuming he will text when he gets back from vacation, but I guess I don't know.
*in the meantime, there was a msg on his wall from a girl saying she had just found his business card in her jeans...but this can't be here nor there since we only went on one date, but it gave me an uneasy feeling.
Okay, after hearing this, I think my advice might change. If I'm reading it correctly, you guys were texting, you suggested getting together on a particular night. He was busy that night (he's allowed to be busy, btw), AND he suggested another day., and because you felt rejected, you declined?
And now you're upset because he hasn't asked again?
I think this is more of a "neither of you are willing to make another move" thing than a "he isn't in to me" thing. If you want to meet up with him, ask him. If he says no this time (and doesn't suggest another day / time), THEN cut him loose.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
Haha! It is me! I am a little dramatic with my words. I just really like to be pursued, and I have a very hard time being assertive with guys. I like them to do the approaching, the asking out, and the initiating on everything. I think I am just so insecure, that I feel if they do it, then they are really interested!
Good memory!
I understand where you're coming from and it's good you recognize this tendency, but you have to get to the point where you put all of this aside. It's game playing and it's just too exhausting to try to operate this way. In the end if the person isn't right for you they aren't right for you. The outcome isn't going to be based on who actually made the move or not. If it's meant to be none of that will matter.
I know it's hard to have the confidence to initiate but just look at it like waiting around will only delay the inevitable.
You guys are exactly right. I need to get over myself and realize that maybe he has the same insecurities I do. I will wait to hear from him just this one last time, and I promise not to do anymore game playing, if he does initiate a text. It did feel a little bit good to step out of my comfort zone TWICE to first ask him out, and second to send him that message on facebook even after asking him to add me!
I love this board!!
I would spend some time working on yourself and trying to overcome the insecurity issues before getting into a relationship.... Men love confidence more than anything else.
I recently went out with a group of guys and girls from my office... one of the girls is considered the hottest girl in the office... beautiful, perfect body, etc. However she was so insecure that she had already gotten her lips done and was looking into a nose job (she just turned 27!). The other girl (also incredibly beautiful) agreed and said she wanted a nose job also...I told them they were crazy and they are beautiful the way they are.
All the guys at the table told me later that although they were hot they wouldn't date either of them.... they obviously have issues and would choose a less hot girl that was confident every time. It really opened my eyes to how much women beat themselves up about the way the look and good men don't really care and it's actually a massive turn off. In order to attract good men you need to be confident.
This is very true. One of my best friends has some of these issues. She is downright gorgeous and most people agree with this. She's got beautiful olive colored skin and gorgeous thick hair. But she's incredibly insecure, deep down. She's had a nose job that she did not need (her nose was prominent but it fit her) and she's had her boobs done. She's also been in tons of terrible relationships with men that didn't treat her well.
She's getting married now but I really have some doubts about it. I hope I'm wrong and that her insecurities aren't contributing to her picking the wrong one yet again.
And you're response to this was to say "no".
You felt rejected when he was just simply "busy", but you said "no" to his offer when after that you all wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks. How do you think he might feel?
You say you're going to wait to hear from him. You might not. But not because he isn't interested, but because he thinks YOU aren't, so therefore he's going to wait for you to contact him.
See how this game playing can go wrong?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
All of this times a billion.
"You don't get to be all puke-face about your kid shooting your undead baby daddy when all you had to do was KEEP HIM IN THE FLUCKING HOUSE, LORI!" - doctorwho
op - i remember you!
i agree with everyone else that you need to work on your confidence. you think it was "bold" to ask him to friend you on fb? umm.. no! haha
you need to just be direct with him and ask him out! if he's busy and suggests another time, take him up on it!
i hate cliches, but here goes: closed mouths don't get fed.
Yeah... I have finally realized that good men don't like girls that constantly beat themselves up... It's the bad guys that feed on these girls. I really learned that life is too short to feel bad about yourself all the time... Good men really are more interested in a women's personality and who they are as a person than the way they look. It took me two years after my divorce to really believe this. My ex had me convinced that all guys were like him - obsessed with looks but I finally realized it's not true. I hope your friend realizes that she doesn't need to feel bad about herself soon!
awww sharic. sorry about your insecurity about your height. i don't know if you believe in god or not, but if you do, just know that he made you exactly how you are and you are beautiful! hope that's not too corny for you.
you really are beautiful though, but until you believe it, you won't feel it.
i don't have any specific advice on gaining self confidence besides doing things that you are good at and that make you feel good.
if a guy doesn't want to date you because of your height, that's okay, they'll be more guys. there are some guys you don't want to date for a particular reason, right? that doesn't mean their is anything wrong with him, just that he's not right for you.
You sound amazing! But please realize that the man that loves you will love everything about you... your height, your smile, etc. If they love you for who you are they won't ever make you feel too tall or anything but like the most beautiful girl in the room.
I used to be really insecure about my red hair and big boobs... I hated it because I always stood out, people always commented on them and I just wanted brown hair that I could dye like all my friends. I wanted smaller boobs so I can wear triangle top bikinis, etc. I finally realized that these are the things that make me attractive to men and that me saying "i hate my red hair and boobs" is a major turnoff. Now I just embrace myself because I am beautiful and in turn my confidence attracts much better quality men.
It's time to stop the negative talk in your head. That's what I had to do.
I'm 6'0". If I could, I'd love to shave 2 or 3 inches off. But you know what? I can't. It is what is it - we're tall women.
And trust me, TRUST me, people figuratively look up to you (and yes, literally too, but that's not what I'm talking about). I can't tell you how many people in my life have told me they wish they were tall like me.
I have a friend who is very short - she's never, ever once had anyone tell her they wished they were her height. (Not that there is anything wrong w/ being short....)
Being tall really is seen as a positive, for both men and women.
If you can find a way to start owning your height, you'll become even more attractive to men! I've seen many tall women who have that "slouch" going , where I can tell they are trying to look shorter. It makes them look so UNconfident. And it probably is very much a turn off to men.
And really- stop trying to guess what "most guys" want. I'd argue any day that "most" decent, caring, good, dependable men simply want a woman whose personality and character aligns w/ theirs, and who is confident. Just like what "most women" want. Yes, there are vain, shallow men out there who go purely by looks - but is that really the kind of man you want?
Stop trying to figure that out. Figure yourself out, get some confidence, own who you are, and stop playing games.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10