Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I cannot relate to my mom anymore
My husband pointed out that every time I talk to her, I am in a noticeably bad mood for a half hour after.
She tends to talk over me, and not acknowledge what I am saying. It's very smothering. She's always done this, it's just bothered me more recently.
This has been building since I was pregnant. She told me she wanted to retire, move to my town and "help me raise my daughter." I told her it doesn't make sense for her to do that right now, and her financial planner has told her not to do that several times. I know I should be straightforward, but it is very difficult to say "mom, I do not want you to live near me" when I cannot make a simple request without her turning it into a personal attack. When I was four months pregnant, DH and I chose a daycare (that we LOVE) and reserved a spot to quell her retirement plans. That bothered her. Then later, she was upset that she wouldn't be close by when the baby was born, so I told her DH's mom was planning to take two weeks off and stay with us (DH's mom lives 1200 miles away) for two weeks, and that she could do that too if she wanted. She seemed excited.
Then, when we were preparing to leave the hospital after I gave birth, she started yelling at me and said she couldn't deal with me anymore. She walked out of the hospital, took a cab back to my house to get her car, picked up her dog from the boarding place, and then drove 3 hours back to her house. I didn't hear from her for two days, and then she emailed to ask about the baby and if she could come visit. She pretended like nothing was wrong. I called her and asked why she said the things she did and said it sounded like they had been bothering her for a while. She said she didn't want to talk about it because "we're in a good place right now and if we talk about it, we might not be." We were not in a good place and still are not; she just assumed that.
I think part of her outburst was anger that I told her I would really like for her to board her dog for the two weeks after I had the baby. Her dog is so sweet, but he barks all night long. I did not want to deal with that when I would be getting very little sleep as it was and I told her that. Every time I talk to her now, she finds a way to say, "oh, well I would come see you this weekend, but I'll need to board the dog." Or, when she does come, she says "oh I need to get home to take care of the dog." I've told her multiple times she can bring the dog and I just didn't want him for those two weeks. She says "oh I know," but continues to make the comments the next time I talk to her. If I get angry, she acts completely shocked "oooh, well I was just saying...I didn't mean it like that. You're so sensitive."
Yesterday she came to visit and she made a comment about her dog EVERY time her and I were alone in the room together. Also while we were alone in the room, I complimented her on her hair, which she just had dyed. I said "oh, it's darker, it looks nice." She said, "oh, is it a lot darker? Does it look bad?." I said, "no, it looks nice. It looks rich and healthy." She said, "are you sure? I don't want to embarrass you." I said "no, it looks nice. The layers look nice too." She said "there are layers? I didn't know the colorist was going to do different colors." I said "no, the layers of the cut." She wrinkled her nose and said "oh, I hope it doesn't look bad. I don't want to embarrass you." Things like this went on and on all day. By the time she left, I was just so frustrated and drained. I just want her to come visit and play with the baby and not cause unnecessary drama. I don't know how to validate her.
Re: I cannot relate to my mom anymore
I think your problem is that you ARE trying to validate her.
Look, you don't need to validate anyone. You don't need to bend over backward to appease people. If your mom wants to make an issue out of everything you say, then that's her problem, not yours.
Stop sharing detailed information with her. Stop expecting her to say or do certain things - accept the fact that she is going to act however she wants, and you cannot control that no matter what you say or do.
Set your conditions - "You can come to visit on [date(s)]. The dog is/is not welcome for this visit." "If you would like to meet at Restaurant for dinner at 7:00 next Saturday night, I would love to see you." "We cannot come to see you this weekend. I'll get back to you in a couple weeks with a better time." If she starts biitching about her haircut, ignore her or change the subject, or just excuse yourself from the room for a few minutes. Don't explain anything, don't apologize, don't try and rearrange your time for her. Just state what you are doing, and she can either follow those instructions or she can miss out on spending time with you.
And you don't HAVE to have a close relationship with your mother. You can certainly respect and love each other, but you don't have to be friends. Sometimes, family members just don't become friends. It happens. It doesn't mean that you are a failure or that there's something wrong with you or your approach. Sometimes it just doesn't work out. There's nothing wrong with that.
Honestly? At this point, if I were setting conditions for what I wanted, it would be that I just don't want to see her. The only reason I do is because I want her to have a relationship with the baby. I feel horrible saying that.
ETA: I also don't want to look back at a time when I can no longer see her and regret cutting her out of my life. So two reasons.
And I agree- stop trying to validate her. That's really not your job, and it's clear that it's next to impossible too! Quite honestly, the hair story - once she started twisting your words, I would have just said "That's not what I said, mom" and then either changed the topic, or walked out of the room for a couple moments.
On the dog - the next time it comes up, be blunt. "I'm going to say this one more time then I'm not discussing it again, even. The dog is welcome. The dog was only once not welcome but that time has passed. The dog is now welcome. It's up to you if you want to bring her (?) or leave her at home - I don't care. But I"m not going to discuss this w/ you again".
And then don't. She makes comments? Change the topic, leave the room, whatever. Somewhere in all of this, she gets something out of making you jump through hoops. So stop jumping.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's not a crime to not want to spend time with a relative. It doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother.
I understand that you want your baby to have a relationship with his/her grandmother. But do you think it's going to be a good relationship? Or is it just going to be the kind of thing where you just want him to have an arbitrary grandmother? Honestly, what good is it to have a grandmother just for the sake of having one, if you can't stand being around her? Your kid's going to grow up thinking that it's O.K. for Grandma (or maybe all adults/people) to say certain things, that it's O.K. for Grandma to treat Mommy a certain way, and that it's normal to put up with things and people that you don't like, and to get pushed around or annoyed, because it's being done by "family." If the ONLY thing keeping you tied to your mom is your baby, then realize that your baby will be fine without a grandmother if that's what it all boils down to.
I don't think you need to cut your mother out of your life (unless you want to, of course). From what you posted, I think it just sounds like you need to limit your exposure to her, and that you need to learn to ignore what she says. You also need to stop getting into discussions with her, where the door is open for her to give her opinion or argue with you. It doesn't sound like she's a mean or abusive person ... it just sounds like you don't get along with her. And that's O.K.
Maybe take a break from her for a while, and figure out what you want from your relationship with her. Maybe it's to only see her once in a while. Or maybe you can figure out a way to shut down her comments, or to ignore them and only spend a little time with her before you find a way to get yourself out of there.
I think your mother and my mother were separated at birth. The only way to salvage my sanity was to stop feeling responsible for my mother's happiness, comfort, well-being, etc. Once I was able to do that, our relationship changed entirely. She didn't change--I just adjusted my perspective on what things were my job to control and what things were not my job to control.
We aren't as "close" as we used to be, but given the price that came with that closeness, I have no problem with it. My only regret is that I didn't figure it out 20 years earlier.
Good luck.
The hair thing smacks of low self esteem, needing to be constantly reassure that she looks fine. This low self esteem could and probably does impact every aspect of her life, including the relationship with you.
I've had to set rules with my own mom, it's hard and she hated it, but oh well. This is what I would do. The next time she brings up the dog issue make ONE statement and say it calmly and rationally. "mom, I've repeatedly told you that the dog boarding thing was a one time issue. You know you are free to bring the dog and the onus is on you if you choose not to bring the dog. So, please do not bring up the dog again" and if she continues, leave the room/conversation.
She seems a very immature person, making hasty decisions/harping on a non isue(dog)/needing constant validation.
You cannot validate a woman like that. It's impossible.
Exactly. You set up your boundaries, and she lives within them. If she doesn't like it, then she can choose whether or not to spend time with you. Her issues are her issues, not yours.
FWIW, this is like the relationship me and my sister have with my mom. I set strong boundaries and my mom and I are as good as possible. My sister has never been firm with her boundaries and she and my mom have a very rocky relationship.
Are you sure your mom doesn't have dementia? Maybe she has been difficult all of your life....but she sounds a little "off."
If not...your mom is choosing not to see the baby and the dog is her excuse. Stop fighting about it. You can't change your mom, but you can change your reaction. If she wants to leave early or not come over...that's her choice! Just tell her the dog is welcome, but don't fight about it. If she talks about the dog or her hair, just smile.
If she starts to make your crazy, leave the room to make coffee or get the baby different toys or something.
Are you my long-lost sister?? Seriously, our mothers are cut from the same cloth. So I feel your pain.
Over the years I've gotten better about keeping my distance and setting boundaries. Recently, I've let my guard down when I talk to her (due to extreme fatigue and general postpartum stuff) and the same issues keep resurfacing: I try to get her involved but in turn she wants to "take over" and dictate my choices, smothers me, wants validation, etc... Not proud of it, but yesterday I had to hang up on her because she just wouldn't let shiit go regarding some parenting choices I've made.
All I can say is stay strong, put your foot down, and be direct. Don't give her details. Limit the time you spend talking to her, and end the conversation if you find that it just keeps going in circles with the same topics. BE CLEAR about not wanting her to move close to you!!!
FWIW, I think it's healthy as adults to be somewhat independent of our parents...it's just that some of us have to be more independent than others. GL