Trouble in Paradise
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Please Lets Try This Again, Couples Counseling?
Sorry lets try this again, I am seeking some advice here, sorry I have never posted here before. My husband have been together for 9 years only married for a short time. The issue we are having is with him and my 17 year old daughter. They are not communicating at all and is really putting a wedge between us all. I feel like the middle man and can truly see both sides and understand both sides. He tends to run away from these issues and I am thinking that maybe couples couseling will help me get a better understanding of this and help him cope in a more effective way. Eventually turning this into family counseling. please give me any thoughts and/or advice. I married my best friend and don't want what we have to end. Sorry for the earlier mistype, it's been kind of a long night.
Re: Please Lets Try This Again, Couples Counseling?
Oh....that's much different.:)
I feel like Emily Litella. hehe
This is a "generation gap" thing and a "I'm almost grown up" thing.
She is 17. Make it clear to her that as long as she is under your roof, she is to do as the BOTH of you say and that's no ifs ands or buts.
You should expect civiltiy from her and vice versa.
I am guessing she's on her way to college, or will be in a year. for that time she's to listen to the both of you.
What else is happening here? maybe he's put down some strict rules and she doesn't like it -- whatever it is, you and he need to be a team together and work together on this; this also includes house rules for her (and other kids, if they're involved) and make it clear to those involved what's expected.:)
Your husband sounds like my dad (in a way). My stepmom would get extremely frustrated when he would retreat. I was a pretty easy going 17 year old, I was taught not to disrespect my elders, so I really didn't have much of an attitude. My dad and stepmom were verbally/emotionally abusive. My stepmom's frustration was related more to the fact that my father was not emotionally engaged in my life. They had a horrible way of expressing their feelings.
So, while our situations are not the same, I do strongly suggest counseling. I had individual counseling for four years (to deal with the abuse and other issues), and my father had inidividual counseling with the same psychologist. Every so often we would have a family session to hash things out.
In my case, it didn't work because my father wasn't willing to change. Your husband has to be willing to make these changes in order for them to be effective. I understand you are frustrated, but he needs to be the one to change. If he refuses, you have to either accept him as he is or move on.
I can tell you one thing that struck a chord with my dad...my stepmom told him that if he refused to actively engage in my younger years, he wouldn't be a part of the older years. That upset him, and I honestly thought it would make him more eager to make changes, but in the end he didn't....and I've cut him out of my life. If my dad wasn't verbally/emotionally abusive, I probably wouldn't have cut him out (which is what makes my situation different from yours because it doesn't sound like you or your husband abuse your child)
My parents tried it. They had to go to three different therapists before they found one that really worked for them, but once they did, he probably saved their marriage. That was over 20 years ago and they are very happily married.
My H and I went to one. He was very good. We are getting divorced but I don't fault the counselor at all. I believe that in general it is a great thing to try to help you learn how to communicate better. Don't be afraid to shop around for the right fit for you.
Also, I was a snippy 17 year old that talked back a lot. Going to college was the best thing that happened to my relationship with my parents!
Thank you for that! It really did help to see that this is what we need to do. Even though our situations are different your advice really helped! Now to hear back from the one family counselor in this area to see what the next step is. Thank you again!
Thank you for that! Kind of what I was thinking. Good thing is he agreed to see a counselor. Hoping this will get us through this. Thanks again!