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How do you leave?
Seriously think it's time to call it quits in my marriage. I just don't know how to go about this and I don't want to talk to anyone who actually knows me yet. My husband is bipolar and has been in and out of the hospital for the past three years. He has 9-10 months out of the year when things are not too bad (not great though) but then he either gets suicidal/depressed or so manic he makes no sense and is completely irrational. He blames me for everything that goes wrong and won't take responsibility for anything. I'm exhausted trying to keep everything together and the stress is going to kill me. I don't believe he loves me anymore, he speaks to me with contempt and is sometimes downright mean. We no longer sleep in the same room. I take my vows seriously and I know he is sick but at what cost to my own health do I stay? Not to mention I have a 15 year old son who deserves a happy home.
How do you go about separating everything? It would help if he would move out but I know that won't happen (he literally has no where to go). It will have to be me who leaves. I hate to move and sell our house but I cannot afford it on my own. The task of moving, separating everything from belongings to bills seems so overwhelming. I don't even know where to start.
Any suggestions? Thanks.
Re: How do you leave?
I don't like to just assume everyone is okay with the counseling and medication talk but it sounds like your husband needs some medication regulation (if he's not on any, he DEFINITELY needs to seek out help). If he's been in and out of the hospital so much, it sounds like they have tried different medications, but is he still taking those medications when he is on his own?
Bipolar is a serious disorder that requires help....and it can take years to get the right medication (or combination thereof).
Is he currently seeking help? Have you sought out individual counseling for how to handle being married to someone with Bipolar disorder? I know how difficult it is to live with someone who is Bipolar. My sister was diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, and she has definitely struggled in her life.
Yes he sees a psychiatrist and a therapist. He is on medication and honestly it works most of the time. The problem for him is that he hates his job so his attitude sucks about everything including therapy. It's all my fault that he has to work a sh*t job and I make him work. We need his income in order to live in our house but he doesn't see that, he thinks I should be able to pay all of our bills on my salary alone and he can just sit at home. He's too old to train for a new job, too broken physically and mentally to do what he has always done (shipping/receiving/warehouse) and there are no jobs out there. He works as a cashier at Lowes because it is all he can get. He can't get SS disability because he works, you can't work anywhere in order to even qualify. I have gone to counseling and guess what most of them tell me? Leave! They tell me to get out for my child's sake and my own sanity. I've stuck with him because I honestly love him and when he isn't sick he's a wonderful man. Because of his attitude towards his job he is sick more than he is healthy. If I thought we could afford to live with just my salary I'd tell him to quit. I just don't think he would be any happier though and funds would not be available to do anything.
I'm frustrated, I'm tired, I'm at the end of my rope and I don't know where to turn. I can't turn to my family and friends because I already know what they would say at this point because they have before - leave! So, I'm thinking about it but I'm not sure that I want that either. I just want to be happy and I want him to be happy too.
My father is bipolar. The best I advice I have in response to "How do you leave" is "THINK ABOUT WHAT THIS IS DOING TO YOUR CHILD!"
Because your child is already 15, I doubt that will be enough to sway you though.
This is douchey. She said she was leaving. She's asking for practical advice on how to do that. I'm not sure why you'd be so dismissive when her post was about the mechanics of getting out, not the emotions so there you.
OP, do you have friends who can help? I know you said you didn't want to talk to anyone but if they care about you, they'll be there for you. Also, you're going to need their support. It's as simple as that.
In the meantime, you need to start scraping up some cash. I don't know what your budget looks like but if you have to eat american cheese on wonder bread, you're going to have to do it to get out of there. You also need to make copies of all financial documents and take them to a lawyer for a consultation. Once you know your rights and legalities in your state, you can start putting together a plan for how to leave.
Do you have family nearby?
Click me, click me!
Wow, I'm so sorry you are struggling with these issues. Anyone would, in my opinion.
Has he been evaluated for a possible dual diagnosis? If he's taking his medication and is seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis, sort of sounds like maybe he's got more going on other than just bipolar disorder. Has he only been to this psychiatrist or has he seen others in the past on a regular basis (not just the ones from the hospital stays)
He might just be using his disorder as an excuse to treat you poorly which is unacceptable. His attitude sucks (you are right). I know my sister goes through phases when the world is out to get her. She has spent the majority of her life blaming her current situation on others (even if those people are no longer in her life, she still finds a way to claim it's their doing).
I don't blame you for feeling the way you do, and if in your heart you feel there is no resolution to this maybe it is best for you and your son to move in your lives. Have you talked to your husband about divorce? What does he have to say about that?
My mother could have written this. Except my father turned a small injury at work into a reason to get on SSD. He lost his case and the appeals, but still refuses to work. The only reason they have made it financially is because they have no debt.
I'm 27 years old and still think my mom is a codependent idiot for staying with my dad. I won't let my child (their grandchild) stay over the night with them. I rarely visit or call for fear my father is in one of his episodes. I have cut visits short because of his behavior. The last time I saw my parents was my niece's birthday party in January.
Is that the future you want for yourself? And that, compared to some of the alternatives, is a good sort of picture.
I also wanted to say that it may not be possible for you to ensure he is happy. In fact, he's in charge of his own happiness so there's only so much responsibility you can claim in this.
I have had to alter my relationship with my sister several times in my life. It's an ongoing ordeal for me, but I have to do so in order to keep my own sanity and happines. She has a tendency to drain everyone around her emotionally.
I'm sorry OP and good luck.
Also,
is it possible for you to just cut your losses on a lot of the material things you are worried about having to move? You mentioned that you wouldn't be able to afford your house on your own (and obviously there's no chance in hell he could), so you would both have to leave anyways. Is your house in both of your names? Maybe you can look into having your name taken off.
Maybe setting a meeting up with a lawyer, getting copies of bank statements and your finances, and finding a place for yourself and your son to start over is the first place to start. It can all be really overwhelming, but your happiness and well-being is far more important than anything else at this point (as well as your son's).
I would suggest getting the help from your friends/family (as a previous person mentioned). Just get a moving van when he's at work and have everyone help you move in that one day. It's a lot easier to deal with when you have help from others.
You need to get a lawyer who can help you with all the financial stuff. He will be able to help you. Ask around to find a good one.
Do not do anything without legal advice, it could come back to bite you in the ass.
find a good counselor for yourself, you will need one to help you deal with it.
Thanks ladies. I do have family in the area and I have friends. My husband on the other hand has no friends (his doing) and his family doesn't understand his illness.
HAB - I swear if we lived close by I'd want to be your friend IRL. I'm a lurker on most of the boards and you always sound like someone I would want to be friends with.
I know I need to leave, I guess I need to put the balls in motion sooner rather than later. He called me just a bit ago and said he doesn't deserve to be happy and he hasn't hit the bottom yet. He's tired of me controlling him so if I leave he can be in control of his own future.
It's just taking the first step that is the hardest. Money is going to be a huge problem but I think my parents would help if I needed it.
Thanks again.
Click me, click me!
He sees one already! Funny about not wanting to do his homework - oh so true! I talked to my mom and they said they will definitely support me. I need to talk to an attorney.
Make photocopies of deeds to the house, cars, stuff in the safe deposit box, etc.
Sell stuff on craigslist like furniture and extra things you don't need so you can get some cash.
Put the house on the market.
Get your kid in counciling.
Pay off joint credit card debt and open your own personal accounts that he can't use.
Have a bag for you and your child with essentials... clothing for a few days, toiletries, copies of your paperwork, etc.
Get a lawyer regarding divorce.