Has anyone else been estranged from a family member?

mandybeth01 · March 2012

First of all, I'm a nestie from way back but none of you probably even remember me. I usually hung out on the D&R board.

I'm looking for someone to chat with that has been estranged from a family member, especially a sibling, for a prolonged period of time. I've been dealing with this with my sister for a few years now (she has chosen to cut off contact...really long story). It is very difficult and at this point I"m just very sad and it is like she has died in a way. I'm just having a hard time figuring out how to cope better with it, and I thought it might help if I had others that could relate to the situation to chat with.

doglove · March 2012

Well unfortunately you don't any control over your sisters actions. Loss is always difficult though. What happened to warrent an estrangement? Did she tell you she was no longer speaking to you?

I am not close with some of my siblings, there was no one thing that was a falling out though. It's just the way it is for us. I have struggled with it and found that going to therapy and working through my feelings has helped me move on and focus on the things I can control and how best to take care of myself.

mandybeth01 · March 2012

Thanks doglove...I don't even think I can begin to explain it all. Long story short my sister has always been a difficult person (could be described as possibly bi-polar) and very selfish. Things started with her husband saying some rude things to me and just kept escalating from there. She ended up sending me and our parents really horrible letters/emails basically saying she doesn't want anything to do with us anymore. I know that I can't control her actions/behavior, and I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that we'll never have a good relationship (we never have had a great one). Just looking for someone that is going through something similar because it is hard to talk about with someone that hasn't gone through it.

EastCoastBride · March 2012

Unfortunately, the only person I can say I've been estranged from - I was HAPPY to be estranged from. So i'm of no help.

Sorry you're dealing with this.

mandybeth01 · March 2012

Well I must say that in a way I am happy to be apart from all of the drama...she is a very difficult person. But I'm mourning the sister I always hoped I could have...if that makes sense. Such a difficult mix of feelings.

doglove · March 2012

I can understand how that is difficult to go through. Some people have to pull away in order to get clairty and work on themselves. It sounds as if she's always struggled with several issues and perhaps needs the space.

Have you thought about this situation in terms of what is best for you? It sounds like being around her in the past has hurt you. Maybe spend some time thinking of the things that have happened that have hurt you. When I'm feeling out of control and I don't understand what's going on, I like to write down the things that I do have control over. A lot of it is taking care of myself and figuring out how to do what is best for myself.

Is your sister older or younger? Therapy might be something that you could benefit from.

EastCoastBride · March 2012

mandybeth01:
Well I must say that in a way I am happy to be apart from all of the drama...she is a very difficult person. But I'm mourning the sister I always hoped I could have...if that makes sense. Such a difficult mix of feelings.

Absolutely makes sense. I've lost friends who at one point were good friends, but over time, I realized they weren't. A part of me does miss the good times we had even though I'm overall glad not to have them in my life. So I do understand what you mean!

mandybeth01 · March 2012

doglove:
I can understand how that is difficult to go through. Some people have to pull away in order to get clairty and work on themselves. It sounds as if she's always struggled with several issues and perhaps needs the space.

Have you thought about this situation in terms of what is best for you? It sounds like being around her in the past has hurt you. Maybe spend some time thinking of the things that have happened that have hurt you. When I'm feeling out of control and I don't understand what's going on, I like to write down the things that I do have control over. A lot of it is taking care of myself and figuring out how to do what is best for myself.

Is your sister older or younger? Therapy might be something that you could benefit from.

I have done quite a bit of thinking about what is best for me, after letting this take control of me so much that it was affecting my marriage. Not good at all. I even took a workshop on creating and keeping healthy boundaries which helped a lot. I realize that being apart from her is what is best...I'm much happier and confident (she put me down a lot growing up so I have had a lot of issues from that). She is older by 4 1/12 years. I've thought about therapy quite a few times but so far haven't because of the cost. I still might do it...I know it would help. Thanks for this thoughtful reply...it is much appreciated!

doglove · March 2012

No problem. I have also found that tears/crying are also a very healing way of dealing with sad feelings.

mandybeth01 · March 2012

Well Lord knows I do plenty of that! Smile

PartiallySunny · March 2012

mandybeth01:
Well I must say that in a way I am happy to be apart from all of the drama...she is a very difficult person. But I'm mourning the sister I always hoped I could have...if that makes sense. Such a difficult mix of feelings.

Makes sense.

I have this same situation with my parents (and to a lesser extent, my brother). I can't say it's true estrangement, but I go through cycles of not seeing or talking to my family for months. I still mourn the ideals of the relationships, what I think we could or should have had (especially with my mother).

Edit: I agree with doglove. You have to think about what is best for you. The limited contact works best for me and my family, but there are days I cry wishing I was able to have more.

no1tish · March 2012

I am estranged from my sister (she is 4 1/2 years older than me). We haven't spoken in more than a year. This has happened before -- long bouts without speaking because of an argument or something, but this by far has been the longest. My sister and I have a complicated relationship. We are like night and day, and there have been times my mom made things worse by getting involved. I am currently pregnant, so I don't think about the loss of my sister relationship as much anymore, but I have struggled in the past, and have been in and out of therapy to help manage the situation. It is tough. I understand how you feel.

talim13 · March 2012

I have been estranged from a family member before (for over a year), as well as lost contact with people very near and dear to me, so I can relate. It is very difficult to work through because there is a lot of grief similar to a death, but worse you know they are out there still and you can't share your life with them, which is similar to a divorce. All in all you will have good and bad days. It sounds like you've had a rough relationship with your sister and that you've always had difficulties. Maybe a break is best for the time being. I know I was more upset not at what I was likely missing, but by what I had hoped our relationship would be and what I was missing by not having that type of relationship. I eventually learned to cope with the fact that my relationship with that family member is what it is - nothing more - and to not put expectations on them that would never be fulfilled. This saves me from continued disappointment and hurt feelings - and makes it easier to continue a relationship with them. In order to continue a relationship with them, I've had to put aside any old resentments - go from today forward - and when they are being difficult I try to understand their side and look for what I do like about them. Also, if you do get back with them it may help to set taboos on certain subjects/areas - that way you never go back to an old argument again. Whatever happens you have to worry most about your happiness and mental health.

mandybeth01 · March 2012

Wow no1tish...we are in extremely similar situations. I had to go back and read your reply again to make sure I didn't write it! Big hugs to you...it helps to know that there are others out there dealing with the same thing.

mandybeth01 · March 2012

Thanks talim for your reply - I'm all teary because I feel the exact same way. It is like a death but harder in some ways. Not a day goes by that I don't get the urge to email her or send her a FB message telling her I miss her, but then I remind myself what happened the last time I reached out and I don't act on it. I hope that one day we can have some sort of a relationship, but I definitely need to adjust my expectations so I don't continue to get hurt over and over again.

Ksahlberg · March 2012

no1tish:
I am estranged from my sister (she is 4 1/2 years older than me). We haven't spoken in more than a year. This has happened before -- long bouts without speaking because of an argument or something, but this by far has been the longest. My sister and I have a complicated relationship. We are like night and day, and there have been times my mom made things worse by getting involved. I am currently pregnant, so I don't think about the loss of my sister relationship as much anymore, but I have struggled in the past, and have been in and out of therapy to help manage the situation. It is tough. I understand how you feel.

This!

It's been about 5 months for me since I've spoken with my older sister. A little bit of background here:CLICK

I?m so sick of my mother enabling my sister and covering up all her wrongdoings.

I heard that my mother is now going to be paying for my sister to move into an apartment (she also paid for my sister?s entire education; mind you I have over $50K in student loans, I?ve been living in my own apartment for over 5 years paying my own way, and my mother did not put a dime towards my recent wedding). My mother is going to sell it to my family that my sister moved out on her own and hide the fact that she is paying for it.

My mother is making me out to be the bad guy to my whole family. I?ve been trying to maintain contact with my other family members, but my mother has gotten to all of them and they all want nothing to do with me. I call, for example, my cousin to go grab a beer and they all tell me to come over to their house (them now knowing that I do not want to be around sis?s BF, but them trying to just get me to accept it).

My sister and I are like night and day as well. I'd really like to maintain at least a little bit of a relationship, but it's so hard to watch her destructive behavior and just pretend everything is fine. I spoke with a therapist once about my family. He wanted me to refer them to the National association of mental illness and recommended I distance myself from them... I'm not sure if that was the best advice, as that would not go over well

Has anyone else been estranged from a family member?

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