Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
s/o Ending relationships - needing to get "closure"
Can someone explain this to me? What is the definition of "closure" and why do you need it? I've always operated under the assumption that breaking up with someone, either through the direct or indirect method, was enough.
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Re: s/o Ending relationships - needing to get "closure"
i think saying you need closure is just a lame excuse to talk to that person just one more time.
i agree with you, no closure needed. i understand having questions, but the person breaking up with you isn't going to give you a satisfactory answer. the best closure, imo, is time.
This. I've never really understood the closure thing - it seems like most of the time when someone talks about needing it, the ex was an ass about the break-up and treated them like sh!t which is enough closure for me.
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There was a guy I dated that kept telling me he would call and I was genuinely interested in him. He never did call and I would see him at a running club and one night he just said something like - "Sorry I never called." And had no explanation and that was the end of it. I've always wondered, but this is what I assume when people say they need closure. When they don't understand what happened or why the relationship ended.
i agree with you, but when you're getting dumped, you're not thinking logically. you don't want to hear that he's just not that into you.
I agree. I don't understand the "closure" deal. The last guy I was in a serious relationship before my husband decided to get "closure" by creating a bogus facebook name and sending a message to my husband, right after we got married, bashing me. It was one of the most pathetic, ridiculous things I'd ever seen. What could you possibly gain by doing something like that years after someone broke up with you? I don't know what he was trying to accomplish there, besides getting the last word, but all it did was reinforce all the reasons I had broken off the relationship, such as his immaturity and bitter personality.
IMO, the end is closure enough. It didn't work out, what else is there to discuss?
Closure means that I want to convince you to take me back.
Oh, that's so true. I remember after I finally, finally broke up with my "first love" (ugh, that's so icky - how can people say that in seriousness and not cringe all over?) for good, he wrote me this long, earnest letter detailing how wrong I was to have broken up with him. I gave him more closure by writing him a list of everything that was a dealbreaker about him for me, and a sublist of which of those would be a dealbreaker for everyone and how he should go about changing them before dating again (pretty thoughtful, I thought). He sent back a rebuttal. I sent back a rebuttal to his rebuttal. He started sending gifts instead.
Really, I don't see how anyone can look back completely fondly at youthful love without the help of senility or at the very least a sharp blow to the head.
This is exactly what I was going to type.
Trying to analyze the end of the relationship to death through questions and argument, hoping to confuse the other into thinking their reasons were stupid or invalid.
Yeah, this is how I feel. If someone breaks up with me that tells me all I need to know. Nothing else really matters & yes it hurts. However, cry your tears, & eat some Ben n' Jerry's. Talking to the dude "one last time" is overly dramatic & won't help you at all. Sometimes you have to wallow & then move on.
My "First Love" & I grew apart. We had outside influences that impacted our relationship negatively. I wanted different things & wanted to try to work it out with him, but for him the spark was gone & he wanted to seek other partners that he was more compatible with. That was it. Sucked serious arse, but the bottom line is that he wasn't into me anymore. We remained very good friends until his passing. The closure was the breakup.
I don't know if you ever get closure sometimes-- even with regards to someone you loved (family/romantic/friend) when they die & are not around anymore. You just learn to do your best living your life without them. Something similar can be said about intense relationships that founder. You pick yourself up & move on.
I've had some people be very petty and immature during breakups, where they left me wondering why they suddenly one day went from acting like caring, sensitive people to total jackwagons for no apparent reason. Was it something I did? A new crack habit? Seeing somebody else, not wanting to admit it, and not handling the lying well? If I have no explanation for the behavior, it drives me nutty.
Usually, I found out that it was not really to do with me--other problems were just taken out on me because I was there, and when I called BS on it, KABOOM! The times I never did find out, though, still bother me occasionally. I will just see or hear something that randomly reminds me of the breakup and wonder what the hell happened. I guess that is the kind of closure I like, partly so I can learn from it if I made a mistake and partly so I can gloat over being the better person when the other party was in the wrong.
Agree
I understand the desire for closure.
You know in a general sense that you're no longer together because they didn't want to be with you, but I think it's very helpful to the healing process to know why.
For example, I casually dated a guy in college who was really into me. In fact, he seemed more into me than I was into him (he did all of the pursuing). And then all of a sudden, he just wanted to be friends. He told me it was so he could focus on basketball (he was on the basketball team), but then he didn't even want to casually hang out, which means he actually didn't want to be friends. The real reason was that I didn't put out and he found a girl who would. I found that out later. But before I found out, I was really confused about his motives and what he really wanted. As soon as I found out what kind of girl he wanted, I totally understood why we weren't compatible, and I was fine with it. It was the mystery that bothered me.
It's the same thing with lots of areas of life. If there's a job you don't get, you want to know why. If a friend stops talking to you, you want to know why. If you get fired, you want to know why. I think wanting answers is a perfectly normal and valid desire (not that you'll always get answers). Curiosity can be powerful.
I understand the need for closure. I dated a guy in my mid 20s. In my mind we were very serious, and headed towards marriage, when we talked about it, turns out he didn't know what the future held for us. I realized we were on diff pages, and broke up with him.
Although I broke things off, I was quite a mess about the whole thing. I called him up, and met and had one last talk about us. That conversation made me able to start the healing process. I quit going over in my head if my expectations were too high, if I had done the right thing?
I think matters of the heart are very complicated, while it is easy to say a break up is a break up, sometimes a bit more is needed to move on.
I agree with Donny, so to me, this is an unfair generalization. What closure means is going to be different for everyone and really has to do with how they process the end of a relationship. If you don't really feel a loss at the end of a relationship, you probably don't need any closure.
Those people who have trouble letting go and for whom "closure" is all about convincing the other person they made a mistake in the break-up aren't going to be satisfied with the specifics. That's well-covered territory in the post.
But there are a couple of good examples here of "dumpees" who got the true closure they wanted. Maybe it's a frank, non-emotional conversation about the realtionship. Maybe it's a moment where you finally see the other person for the asshat they really were. I don't think that can happen when the wound is fresh, but with a little time or distance, totally possible.
This is exactly why people should not entertain requests for closure, or ask for closure if they're the dumpee. When you fell for that guy, he was the same man as you described in your closure list; you just loved him anyway, and then after a while you didn't any more. All the 'reasoning' in the world won't fix "I just don't love you anymore" and that ought to be enough explanation. I wouldn't offer anyone any more than that.