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Lying to your Spouse-- big lie or little lie. What counts?
Question based off of this post:
Svenny1011:
I feel sort of bad for telling a tiny lie to DH, but I also don't really care. DH went into a hot tub last night - I wasn't there with him, but he told me it was for like an hour (highly likely it could have been longer - he looooves them). This is the 2nd time in the last week he's gone in. I've told him before that he needs to stay out, but he doesn't really believe me - he always asks where I've read my info. To him, the internet is not reliable (which, it really isn't most of the time).
Anyway, in an effort to make it seem more "real" and important, I told him I called my doctor and that the nurse told me he should not go in hot tubs while we are TTC. I then cited basically what everyone says - the whole 3 months to mature and replenish, that it kills the immature sperm, blah blah blah. By doing that, he actually was receptive and said he'd stay out until I'm pregnant.
It stinks that he's so stubborn and I have to resort to things like this! Sadly, I'll probably have to tell him that the nurse recommended I buy PreSeed (I bought some today!), otherwise he'll think I'm crazy and that it is a waste of money. Anyone else have a DH like this?
ETA: Flame away ladies, I totally deserve it and can take it. Perhaps I need an intervention.
(long link here: http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/64293209.aspx)
1.) I think the information she gave him was accurate, just not the source. So I am kind of leaning towards the no big deal camp.
2.) On the other hand, it speaks volumes about this man's maturity levels that he won't believe her information. There are things out there on the internet that are messed up, for sure. FFS, HE could pick up a book at the library or call the doctor if he thinks his wife is trying to spin one on him.
3.) I HATE HATE HATE the "men are such babies" or the "oh those men" type comments on TB and elsewhere. Just because your H is a immature DB who refuses to take care of himself or think outside of his own wants/needs does NOT mean that all men are this way. Quit saying it.
4.) Small lies tend to morph into a lying problem. Its a slippery slope I think. That's why even LITTLE lies I think should be avoided.
Thoughts? I think some of the posters in that thread are being a little overdramatic, but its TB-- so it is what it is.
Opine if you wish.
Re: Lying to your Spouse-- big lie or little lie. What counts?
This.
And to add, this whole situation says a lot about her maturity as well.
Not if it was from the internet!! Everything on the internet is WRONG!
Telling your husband that you like their shirt when you don't is, IMO, an okay white lie. Telling your husband that you actually called the doctor and then proceed to recite info that you got off of the internet is not an okay white lie, IMO.
Why not just call the doctor with him standing there and have him talk to the nurse himself?
I have a co-worker that always talks down about men. "That's a man for you" or "Did you really expect a straight answer? He's a man." She says stuff like that all of the time. She is in a shiitty marriage and feels stuck and will probably never divorce the asswhole so she bases her idea of what men are like on her DB of a DH.
I don't like the fact that he wouldn't believe her until he personally spoke to a medical professional. Yes, he's right not to believe everything on the Internet, but if she spoke to a doctor or nurse and passed the information on to him then he should have been able to believe that.
I agree that lies are a slippery slope. Once she starts to see that lying about one thing gets him to act the way she wants, then she'll be more inclined to lie about other things.
As for what she did, I agree w/ feinicstine. I'm not in the "OMG!!! You LIED to your DH - your marriage is doomed" camp, but I also can't chalk this up to 'no big deal' either.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I get your point, but this makes me laugh.
If I hate my husband's shirt (and he asks for my opinion), I tell him the truth. Why bother with a fib?
Frankly, she is lying to him like he's a child, and that's f*cked up.
Oooooh, my reading comprehension failed. I saw, "I told him to call my doctor" where she said "I told him I called my doctor".
Yeah, no, what she did is totally wrong.
Especially when it involves important topics like family planning. However, the preseed thing, meh, I kind of understand that. Only in the last year or so have I been upfront about getting info from internet people. Before, I'd just vaguely say, oh my friend. lol
Click me, click me!
Click me, click me!
I was just giving an example of a lie that has no harm to it and is used to avoid hurting someone's feelings.
I would have no problem with telling my FI that I didn't like his shirt! LOL He no longer has shirts that I don't like because now I pick them out for him.
My mom always runs about 15 minutes late. By always late I mean when she's on time, people notice and congratulate her. She just sucks at timing out what she needs to do to get out the door.
If I need her to be somewhere at a specific time, I always tell her 15-20 minutes prior to when she is needed. For instance, DS has his 1 year dr appointment next week at 10 am. She watches DS while H and I are at work, so she'll bring him to the appointment and I'll meet her there. I told her that his appointment is at 9:40. That means she'll get there about 5 minutes before his appointment.
I've told her before that I lie and tell her an earlier time so she's there on time. She's cool with it. She knows she's always late. She's tried to fix it, she sets alarms, gets stuff ready the night before... she just can't seem to get it right.
Oh, and I've totally lied to H too. It's just stupid stuff to conceal a present. Just before Christmas he was taking stock of what stuff he needed for hunting season. So he got his list together and asked me if there was anything he needs to add or take off of the list. I told him the list looked correct and left Under Armour on the "to buy" list even though it was already purchased. Yes, it was a lie... but that'd be lame sauce to tell him his Christmas present just so I didn't have to lie to him.
http://pandce.proboards.com/index.cgi#general
Oh yeah, I lie about Christmas presents. So does H, so I think we are even.
I second Smock.
I sometimes tell my H I am sure about things when I am not--for example, "Do you have your keys?" and I say, "Yes!" without checking again. I suppose that's a lie, but since he's the one who leaves the house without his phone/keys/wallet/ID and not me, it would do us no good for me to eyeroll at him and empty my purse every time he asks something like this. I know it would turn into an argument about who leaves without things and why is my purse so messy and OMG DON'T YOU DARE RAISE YOUR VOICE AT ME OVER THIS, etc. Like anybody needs more of those. Better to let it go and move on, I say.
In short, I think little lies can be the better decision for a relationship. If you have to tell them all the time, though, there's probably a problem. If you are telling a lot of big lies, you really need to ask yourself why. One of you, or both of you, is probably being a turd.
I'm willing to bet he'll just lie and tell her he's staying out of them when he isn't.
I personally can't stand little lies - they are pointless, almost always get caught and then just makes me think the person telling them is a gigantic liar. But - to each their own
I would have suggested she show him the research, print it out and show it to him.
Wikipedia is a great resource and I trust the info there.
Then I would tell him that he needs to respect me enough to believe me. My husband and his X used to play what I call the "prove it" game. If he didn't believe her he'd say "prove it" she'd print the written info to prove it. She would do the same to him. In some instances I would think it to be alright, but not over every little thing.
He started that with me and I shut it down quick. I told him I refuse to play the "prove it" game, he needs to respect my intelligence enough to believe me. I'm not going to provide written proof, it's silly. Never heard another word about it, that was 7 years ago.