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Would you do it?
I have a nephew who just turned 6. He is my entire world. When I moved to another state a year ago with my (now) husband, the hardest thing was leaving him. His parents are not good parents. My brother, 31, has been unemployed for probably 3 years. He does nothing but sleep half the day then spend the rest of the time playing video games and drinking. There is nothing physically keeping him from getting a job, he just doesn't want to. His GF (nephews mom), 26, just barely started working for the first time in the past 6 years. At home she drinks as much as my brother. They are both alcoholics. And they smoke pot as well. My brother doesn't even have a license but insists my grandpa (who they live with) take his gf to work so he can have the car during the day. Sitting at home you'd think he'd at least take his kid to school and pick him up.. no. Our 80 year old grandfather does it all. My brother thinks everything in life should be given to him and he has to give nothing in return. He has been like this his whole life. His mother is as worthless as him. Has been a drug addict his whole life, neglected him when he was younger so he came to live with our dad and my mom and me and my other brother. My mom never treated him different than us. He had every opportunity growing up that we had. When he was old enough he CHOSE to live with his mom. He chose the bad life he had. There was an alternative option and he didn't want it. Normally people want better for their kids than what they had growing up. My brother is doing nothing except turning my nephew in to him. He is at a very impressionable age. He knows what drinking is and hangovers and I'm too scared to ask if he knows what pot is. My brothers GF has called the cops on my brother for pushing her around but then when the cops get there she stays quiet. I quit feeling sorry for her a long time ago. It's one thing to put herself in that situation but she is putting her son it and he has no choice. The cops have been called to my grandpa's house numerous times. all for fighting. Whether it's the 2 of them or my brother and one of his friends...I just don't get how 2 people can choose not to love their son enough to give him a healthy environment to grow up in. The final straw for me was this past weekend. I flew 1500 miles and threw my nephew a birthday party since they couldn't afford it. The kid wouldn't have had any birthday celebration if it wasn't for my mom and I. I spent mine and my husbands hard earned money on their son since I couldn't bear to see him not have a birthday. I was fine with that. Until Saturday when party day came and they were completely worthless. Didn't help with anything didn't say thank you, didn't even show up on time with the birthday boy. They brought beer in their car and were going out to the car to drink. My brother and his cousin who just got out of JAIL were seeing smoking pot in the parking lot...THAT is how they celebrated their sons birthday. drunk and high. Then my brother proceeded to take off with aunt and cousin all while leaving gf and son stranded with out a ride home. Took the booster seat, her purse, phone and all the birthday presents. It breaks my heart that they treat my nephew like this. The gf has been told she will be taken care of if she leaves my brother. She wont do it. To me, she has chosen who is more important in her life. and it's not her son. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to protect him. I can't be there every day to make sure he is ok.
I have been thinking really hard about calling CPS and making an anonymous complaint. I know it could turn my nephews life upside down but my mom would try and get him immediately if he was taken away. And if he was ever taken away permanently I would be there in a heart beat filing for custody. He doesn't deserve the life he has and his parents don't deserve the love he gives them. I guess what I'm trying to get at is... Would you call CPS? if not, what would you do? The parents have been talked to many times. My brother has been talked to his whole life and he just doesn't care everything is everyone elses fault and never his own. I have decided I am done with him. I have no respect for him and even though we were born family, I am prepared to do whatever it takes to get my nephew in to a healthy living situation. As far as I'm concerned, he's no longer my brother. He's nothing to me.
So what would you do?
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Re: Would you do it?
CPS needed to be called a long long time ago.
Make the call and do it now. THis is a horrible and dangerous environment for him.
Your grandfather needs to give that guy the boot. And given your brother's drug use and other bullshit, you needed to cut him off a long time ago.
I live in another state. I highly doubt I would be awarded custody/guardianship. especially with no past complaints through cps or anything. I feel like they would be given a slap on the wrist and told to straighten up. At least doing it anonymously through CPS, they wont know it's me and I wont be cut out of my nephews life. If I tried for custody now, and didn't get it, that would be it. My brother would have no problem keeping my nephew from me. My parents and other family are in the same state as them so at least if I made a complaint and he was removed from the home, there is family near by that could take him.
As for the one who said I needed to cut my brother out of my life a long time ago. Ive considered it for the past 6 years. But It's hard to cut them out of my life when that have the kid who means more to me than anyone. It's hard to quit doing things for them because then my nephew suffers. But by doing things for him, they benefit.. They know we'll all do it because we love the kid. I live for the day my nephew is old enough to realize his father is worthless. And I hope it kicks my brother in the nuts when he says, dad you've done nothing for me my whole life.
I would call too.
But be careful not to get your hopes up that this will happen. I have a somewhat similar situation in my family, and despite the fact that this girl knows her mother is a useless drug addict who can't hold a job, she still chose to live with her and throw away all opportunities she had for a good future, and it is heartbreaking. I hope that you can intervene and that your nephew will see the light.
There doesn't have to be 'clear cut' abuse for CPS to step in. meaning, there doesn't need to be cuts, bruises or outward signs.
Simply keeping a child around unsafe circumstances is enough to allow them to investigate. Like, Hoarders get their children taken away. I know in FL, CPS will step in immediately when drugs/alcohol are involved, ESPECIALLY if it's at all possible that they are driving under the influence with the child or doing these things in front of the child.
OP. I'm very sorry you're in this position. I would call.
Do you have any copies of school records that shows he doesn't get to school on time? That might get the courts to take a look.
If you think your nephew is in danger, you should call CPS. If your interest is just getting custody, I would talk to a lawyer about your chances. They might not be good if you are out of state.
You might post on the "blended families" board since they know a lot about custody issues - - but I know for a fact it will not be easy for you. It might be easier if your mom and you petition together.
You are very kind, but getting married, moving away and living your life 1500 miles away does not say that your nephew is "my entire world". No offense, but your world is much bigger and farther away than his daily needs.
Call CPS, by all means, I never tell anyone to hesitate. But if you think being unemployed and/or a pothead/dead beat while living in a stable grandparent/family residence disqualified them from custody while you live 1500 miles away - you are misinformed about the child protective system.
I can tell after many years dealing with cps that wht you think is bad is just the tip of the iceberg. im not saying you shouldnt call, someone should have done it already, but you are probably are going to be disappointed at their response.
Well, even if you can't get custody and think that you're helping him by calling CPS, I just wanted to point out that if her were removed from the home, he would be put into the system and it is a horrible place to be. At least where he is now, he's got his grandfather to see that he's ok. Nobody will be looking out for him in the system.
So you have to think really hard and long about whether you'd be taking him from the frying pan into the fire.
This.
And don't count on your tip remaining anonymous. If there was a hearing, you could be called to testify.
Actually, he is my entire world. My husband knows that if it came down to it I would be back at home with my nephew in heart beat. The only reason we are where we are is because of my husbands school. The only thing here that means anything to me is my husband. and he supports me 100%.
My grandfathers house is by no means a stable residence. It's a roof over his head and food on the table that is all. My grandfather is 80 years old and has loud and clear signs of alzheimers (sp). There is no way that my grandpa who is also an alcoholic should be having to take his great grandson to and from school and watch him while his dad sits on his ass doing nothing but drinking and smoking pot IN THE HOUSE. Child abuse is not just physical abuse. They can provide NOTHING for their child. If my grandfather were to die tomorrow, they would be homeless. Their child would be living on the streets. Last time I checked, a home with drugs and alcohol, and domestic violence is not a stable home. If any teacher knew about this, in the state of CA they are mandated to report it.
I'm not out to get custody of my nephew. I want to make his life better. If a CPS investigation will get his parents to straighten up then by all means I'm happy for them to continue to care for him. If it still doesn't get them to straighten up then clearly they don't care for him and he doesn't deserve to be forced to live with them just because he's 6 and has no voice in the matter. As adults it's our responsibility to speak up for the kids who can't.
I feel really badly for the position you and your nephew are in. You should call CPS if you feel that is what is needed but like the others said, I wouldn't expect much response. CPS is not going to remove the child because they are poor or based on what ifs about Grandpa. If he has a home now and his basic needs are being met than that will suffice. You don't have any evidence of domestic violence since the GF didn't make a report. Also, CPS is not likely going to act if the abuse wasn't against the child (not that I think that is right but that is how it works), the drugs and alcohol are bad but you are going to need witnesses who can corroborate that . Dad and GF are not going to admit and 6 year old is probably not going to be enough witness. Again, it sucks he is being exposed to this but if he is doing well in school and basic needs met that is going to be enough for CPS. If Grandpa shouldn't be driving then they will likely ask that that stop, not going to remove a child. Also, are you sure they won't act out again the child if CPS is called?
The best case scenario is for you or your Mom to work within the family to help. Would they consider letting the nephew live with you or your Mom on the basis you could provide for him?
You need to become more aware of how cps works, it is obvious you are clueless. CPS is not going to help them "straighten up". They will either remove the child and he will go into the system (another thing you sound clueless about) OR he will stay where he is.(if they get involved at all)
Listen you are dealing with 2 evils here. The foster system or a$$hole parents. You seem to think one is better than the other, and I'm telling you it isn't.
I dont understand why you have waited so long, if it is so worrisome.
I am not at all clueless how CPS works. My moms god daughter came to live with us when I was in high school because she was removed from her moms custody. CPS is not out to put kids in the system. Their first priority is putting the kid with someone familiar to them that is capable and willing to care for them. If the kid has an entire family of people willing to take him, they're not going to put him in to a foster home.And as far as it "straightening them up", yes, they can be mandated to take parenting classes and get help with their alcohol/drug problems.. And they can also put the child in therapy so he knows how to handle the situation. CPS isn't this big scary monster that's out to collect kids. You think they want a ton of kids with no place to put them??
As for keeping it in the family and helping that way. There is no way on earth my brother and his gf will ever admit they are worthless parents.
I would call.
I would call every time you get wind of something involving drugs in the home.
I would call until the child is removed.
i would absolutely call.
i would also make it a point to avoid stating things that you assume (which I'm assuming as you live far away and not with them) about the drugs and drinking. If you call you can state that you suspect what goes on but you dont KNOW for sure unless you've seen it for yourself. Also it's grandpas choice to drive kid to school no? Grandpa probably feels bad for the kid like you do but again, he chooses to drive the kid. he could say no. don't they have a school bus?
So, it sounds like the GF isn't quite as worthless as your brother. Is that the case?
Have you ever asked if they'd be willing to let the kid live with another family member? It doesn't have to be in the context of "hey, you suck, let little Timmy come live with us." Maybe it should be more, "hey, it seems like you would rather he not be around to take care of. How about you let him live with grandma for a while." They have to know that when grandfather dies, the burden is going to be shifted to them to do all the caretaking, and it doesn't sound like they really want that. If your nephew goes to live with someone else, they'll have all the time in the world to drink and smoke pot.
I'd call CPS. It's worth a shot. But, I'd also call the good old-fashioned 5-0. After all, smoking pot is a crime. And I'm sure the local criminal code includes all kinds of offshoots when done in the presence of a minor. I'd ask grandpa to let you know when they're getting high, or tell him to call the police every single time.
I feel really sorry for your nephew. Good luck.
This is a great idea. I probably wouldn't word it the second way, either, but that's just me. Could you take your nephew in for the summer? Then it's not like you're criticizing your brother and his GF at all. Just, "Hey, we'd love to have him come hang out here for a month or two. What do you think?"
If it goes well, you could offer to extend it for part of the school year, etc. If they're really not interested in being parents, time away might let them see a change in custody as an attractive option. If nothing else, it would let you continue to be a significant presence in the boy's life, which would be great for him.
Having worked with CPS before, I'm going to be honest with you.........they've got way more henious situations to deal with. I certainly feel for your nephew - but I don't think that you calling them will result in anything more than one or two visits to the house (if that, even). If he's got a roof over his head, clothes on his back, isn't malnourished and is getting medical care, is getting to school somewhat regularly and isn't being abused.........they'll probably write it off.
They're not going to remove him because he almost didn't get a birthday party.
And having a CPS investigation isn't likely to get your brother and his GF to stop using drugs. They'll just be more paranoid and possibly less blatent about it.
You should still call, I just wouldn't expect anything of importance to happen. What this child needs is someone who cares about him to be there for him, not 1500 miles away.
This is the approach I'd try first. Maybe because you live so far away, it could work to your benefit because unlike your parents, you can't just stop by any time you want. Perhaps offer to take him for a month during his summer vacation because you want to see him, and there's a lot of stuff there you'd think he'd enjoy (try to find stuff to support that) and offer to cover all his expenses.
This might give them the opportunity to realize what life would be like without a kid (they can get drunk and high as they want with zero of the responsibility) and maybe it would plant the seed for them to voluntarily give up custody to someone in your family. At the very least, it will get him away from them for a month to see what life in a 'normal' household would be like so that he doesn't thing that the life he has is his only option.
It HAS to be done. No question about it. If your brother or brothers g/f gets caught with pot or drunk driving or whatever it my be, your nephew is going to get taken away and who knows where he is going ot end up! You need to call! Really, your brother and brothers g/f needs to get out of that house to...rehab...jail..something! And YOU need to adopt your nephew and give him a better life because right now, the odds are not on your nephews side...he is more than likely going to end up the same way and I can guaranteed he will end up not graduating high school...he needs a better home...sad stuff. I'm sorry that you are in this position. Please post an update after you call.
Best wishes