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No Sex Life!!!!!
Hi,
I feel weird bc I'm a guy, but I'm just looking for advice and opinions. I will try to give the short version. First off, I have PE. Didn't realize it until I got back into a relationship after getting a divorce about 3 years prior. My girlfriend takes a long time to reach climax and says that she only can from intercourse. Well, I can't last more than a minute after penetration, so.... Anyway, I don't think that's the real problem as we've talked about it extensively and know it's going to take both of us to work things out. The problem is, we don't have sex! She has absolutely no sex drive, yet she claims to be a sexual person. Sometimes I feel that she's not attracted to me at all even tho she states that she is. She says that she feels pressured! I'm the one who feels pressured to perform. And I keep telling her that the less sex we have isn't going to help the situation. Also, every time I just mention the issue, she gets upset. (she's very emotional). I really don't know what to do. Yet after all this time (almost a year), she is still with me. I don't get that. If I was her, I might have ended it by now. She's okay with not having sex, and I'm not okay with it. I'm sure I've left some details out and I can elaborate should questions arise, but I need help!
Thanks.
Re: No Sex Life!!!!!
Have you had a full medical checkup?
Please don't be shy or think there's a stigma attached or that you're not macho.... you're selling yourself short if you don't bounce your PE problem off a urologist.
There may be a medical reason for your problem or perhaps it is psychological. You're divorced --- and if this is the first ladyfriend you've had since then, perhaps it is performance anxiety. If you did not have this problem when you were married, I am guessing it's a psychological thing.
A sex therapist will also help, if it turns out your problem is a psychological one.
Have you tried the ole "think about baseball" or "think about screwing your grandmother's best friend/math teacher/dried up ole neighbor" trick? See if it helps your PE.
These issues are fixable...not to worry.:)
Has your ladyfriend masturbated? if she hasn't, she needs to start. A sure fire way for her to find out what makes her orgasm.:)
She'll find out what turns her on and then she can show you. There's also the good ole oral sex route; try that one -- give her oral and when she orgasms, go for intercourse.:)
Talk to her about all of this out of the bedroom. Pick an evening or afternoon -- make sure there's no interrruptions, no phones, no texts coming in.:)
And put a positive spin on the discussion: tell her how much you love her, hot she is, how great she makes you feel and then gradually segue into the discussion: "honey, I love having sex with you and it would be so hot if you and I..."
If she still isn't receptive to discussing it the "hot" way or still won't discuss the issue or if she shuts down with repeated attempts at you trying to help solve the problem with her, maybe it's better you cut your losses and move on. You and she would be at opposite ends at that point and I'd hate to see you stay with somebody who isn't on the same page about having sex as she is.
Find yourself a ladyfriend who thinks you're hot and vice versa. Life's too short to sell yourself short.:) Good luck.
If most of the time she has sex (historically, even before you came along) it ends with no orgasm, then of course she isn't going to want it. Why would she? It's just basic classical conditioning - give a woman chafing, dripping, and getting all wound up with no satisfaction too many times, and she's better trained than Pavlov's dogs. It happens to a lot of women, I suspect, and is probably where the stereotype of the woman who never wants to do it comes from.
My advice is lots of orgasms for her. Lots. You need to retrain her, so to speak. Have the two of you tried a bullet-style vibrator on her clitoris during sex to speed things along, and make it more of a sure thing?
(All of this advice is about her problem, because I have no idea about yours.)
Then why fight a losing battle? This is somebody you are not sexually compatible with. You're wasting your time at this point.
Is sex important to you? Evidently is is; you've given every indicator that it is. Why spend your time with somebody who doesn't have your same mindset?
Decline, deschmine.:) Age ain't nothin' but some numbers.:)
You sound like a good, caring guy. Dozens of women would jump at the chance of dating you...and guess what: they're into sex, just like you are.
Wishing you success. GL.
Have you tried any toys to help you last longer? I know there are some gels and rings and such which can help a man last longer. Maybe some research into that.
You say she isn't in the mood often. Do you pay a lot of attention to foreplay? That is very important for a woman, and it makes orgasm much easier. If you want to improve your technique with oral, I have heard good things about the book "She Comes First".
However, I will say that it doesn't sound like she wants to work on this issue, and so any advice we can give will be limited by that. You souond like you really want to please her in the bedroom, but you only do as much as she will be up for. I think more communication on this is going to be key. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like you are all that compatible.
I have been in this same situation... as your girlfriend... the problem is with both of you. First she doesn't want to have sex because it gets her no where. You get her all worked up and then you are finished before she can and it likes well if you are done, then basically she is too. Second, because she doesn't get to orgasm with you, why even "try" to have sex in the first place. You have to make her feel comfortable... since you are not lasting long, she is thinking that it is her- even though you have discussed it and have admitted that it is you- she probably feels not wanted, not attracted, etc. You are like my husband, you get so excited about sex and the attraction that you PE. But not having sex doesn't help your situation either so, this is something you both have to work at it. Try thinking of other things, have foreplay a little longer- it may then get her so excited that it won't take her long then either.
No, no. I don't mean lots at once, all in one day. I mean lots as in frequently, over time, to retrain her to see getting naked as the path to pleasure.