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Im so confused....
I got married less than a year ago, June 2011 and was the happiest person in the world!! we traveled, did everything together and had a fabulous time. so in love! we got to adorable puppies and live in a beautiful condo... but it started going down hill... i had become the official bill payer... he pays a little more of the money but i have to make sure its in on time and its extremely stressful... I also work a full time job and take care of cooking cleaning laundry and the dogs in the house. I wake up every morning to tend to the dogs and get myself ready while my husband presses snooze about 7 times before he gets up and rushes out to work. then he comes home and goes to the gym.... (if i had ANY free time I would love to go to the gym!!!) by the time he comes home i have dinner ready... we eat then i clean up and he watches tv... i understand he works hard all day but so do i and i feel as though when u come home its a team effort. we always butt heads and argue and lately havent shown ANY affection at all... Im started to question my life choices and what i am doing. I am not the type to sit back and take this and I just dont know how to handle this situation anymore... im scared to even think about ever having kids because I kno it will be all on me... thats not the man i married and now I look at everything with a big question mark... does anyone have any adivce, please!!!!!
Re: Im so confused....
have you had a sit down talk about these issues?
i think you need to do that.
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This would drive me crazy.
I'd try talking to him again. No yelling on your part! Don't go to him in anger just go to him because "I'm exhausted, I feel like I have no time for myself with everything I need to do around here, I need your help" This routine you have right now is obviously not working for both of you so figure out a way together to change it. Write down all the chores and together figure out who should do what. Maybe once he can see them written out he'll see that there is more than he might have thought there was. (and some things...like putting dishes away, you should be able to mark down that you'll do together).
Um yes, maybe you should.
I actually don't believe in splitting things 50/50. But there absolutely has to be a balance. And him sitting on the couch or snoozing while you're cleaning and doing laundry (barring extenuating circumstances like illness or something) is just really fcuking rude.
we all fall down sometimes
brass and ballet flats
Also, if you're stressed about getting bills payed on time can you set up automatic bill pay? We only have to actually pay one bill, and it gets us discounts for some stuff too. Just a way to take some stress off of you.
we all fall down sometimes
brass and ballet flats
I think you need to be completely honest with him and let him know you need help. You also need to do things for yourself. If he's going to the gym after work, then go then as well. Dinner doesn't have to be ready the minute he gets home from the gym and if the dishes don't get done one night, so be it.
I wouldn't say we split things 50/50, but we do have agreements on some things. I take the dog for the morning walk, he takes the afternoon. We do our own laundry and clean our own bathrooms. We coordinate on cleaning the rest of the house. I do most of the cooking, but on nights we're too busy or I don't want to, he takes care of it.
You're partners in all of this afterall.
Is he just talking about money when he says this 50/50 thing, I almost get the impression that he is. If this is the case I'd just remind him that you're not talking about money (keep the bill paying out of it altogether and just talk about chores)
Why don't you just stop doing all those things for him? Buy a hamper.. and throw all his dirty clothes in there...then tell him they are his problem now. Stop cooking him dinner, if you like home cooked meals.. cook enough for just yourself. Or make enough on sunday for yourself for the week, and go to the gym after work! I would be furious if my husband was treating me this way, maybe with some tough love he will realize what a jerk he is being.
Edit: Obviously I advocate for talking it out first.. but if that's not working.. tough love might!
So this has been such a thought provoking post. My girlfriend talked me into this site, so I happened to jump on for the first time to check things out, as she browsed patterns and how they effect your feng shui. I actually read your post aloud and we chatted about it for a few minutes. I think you need to hear a male perspective... So here goes my ill attempt:
It sounds like you both still haven't figured out each others love language. While my girlfriend was quick to rally to your defense; I, on the other hand, can definitely see where your husband is coming from. Men look at everything black and white. In his mind you guys have an agreement that he pays more for the bills, so that means you make up for that by taking care of things like cleaning, dinner, cooking, etc. Had you not said anything, its likely he would have had no idea you were frustrated with current terms. Again, black and white. Your husband has also rebuked with the same way I would have, "Well if your unhappy then we'll just do everything 50/50, you pay equal on your part of bills, and I'll do my equal share of leg work around the house." Which you have to understand is more of a threat than a compromise. He is probably under the assumption that you really NEED his financial assistance, and in his mind you OWE these duties to make up for it. So all that being said leads me to my advice... Take him up on his 50/50 offer. Trust me he is banking that you will never go for it. Give it a month or two and I promise he will understand. Here is the lesson in all of this: There shouldn't be a scale when it comes to efforts in marriage. At times you will be pulling more weight, and at others he should as well. Hopefully you guys can come to a new understanding and nip it in the bud. Its nothing out of the ordinary and certainly nothing that cant be mended. God speed to ya and good luck! Go love on your man
Thatis not a marriage, that's a business deal. If my husband EVER felt I owed him to be his maid, *** would hit the fan. Luckily I didn't marry someone stuck in the 50s.
Yeah, this has nothing to do with love languages. It has to do with the fact that you've repeatedly attempted to discuss this with him, and he's resorted to the same position time and time again without compromise, understanding or any sort of attempt to see where you're coming from.
Money in a marriage is a shared commodity, not a way of keeping score. Leaving the money out of it, agree to a 50/50 share of the household chores. Money cannot be "mine" and "his" in a marriage, unless you're talking about separate spending-money accounts into which an agreed-upon percentage of communal funds is funneled. Otherwise, you'll spend your entire marriage feeling inadequate and/or bullied.
Updated September 2012.
Ditto Irish and Lucy - marriage is not about keeping score and taking as much as possible from your partner. If this woman is working the same hours as her husband, then she IS contributing equally, regardless of whether or not she's bringing home as much money. And it's bullsh*t for her husband to lord it over her and expect her to do EVERYTHING around the house.
It's not about love languages. It's about loving and respecting your partner.
Oh, FFS. I'm a SAHM and my H doesn't feel that way. And he sure as hell would never treat me that way. Krikey.
OP, I think you need to have a serious talk with your H about what he thinks marriage and partnership mean in the daily running of things. If he respects you, the way you relate to each other, and fcvk, his own basic ability to care for himself, he'll work with you on this. I know Mr M and I have had bumps where I cared about some things (i.e. changing sheets weekly) than he did, so that became my job. Some things he cares more about (i.e. putting laundry away), and are his job. But that's just a way of divvying up so it gets done on the schedule you want. Not a way for one partner to allow the other to become a cook and a maid. It's not just fairness, it's prioritizing your partner, her life, relaxation and goals as much as your own.
Please let us know how it goes.
"The meek shall inherit the earth" isn't about children. It's about deer. We're all going to get messed the fuckup by a bunch of cloned super-deer.- samfish2bcrab
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I can assure you, although you are taking it upon yourself to speak for all the men, you are not qualified to do so. My husband doesnt think anything like this (and I cant say that I can name any men I know that outwardly think/act like that in regards to money and chores), its nonsense and verging on misogynistic. It appears she works just as much as he does, and its not fair that after working the same amount of hours, and presumably working just as hard while at work, she should then have to come home and do MORE work while her H sits around, all because she earns less money. That's craziness. Its no secret that women earn less on the dollar (generally speaking and with many contributing factors) than men for doing the same job.
If I was your girlfriend, and I read this, I would run far far away, although I'm half convinced you're a troll anyway.
eta I see I am several days late to the party, oh well.
I changed my name