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Helping with babysitting?
Long story short my mom is getting surgery and may have to get treatment (although unlikely). I have always helped my parents out yet I feel they take advantage of a lot of their kids. My mom has 2 and my step dad has 4. I want to help her out with surgery, like cleaning the house and cooking dinner and being there for her. I live with my husband 10 min away. They have 2 small kids that are 4 and 5 and a complete handful. When I asked about who is helping out with them and perhaps the idea of maybe granting some extra time with their real mother (they get 50-50 custody) they said not only will my step dad not do that, he has agreed to take the boys extra time next month and "forgot" about her surgery. When I brought up maybe hiring the other mothers babysitter to help for time being she said she only trusts us. We are extremely good to them me and my brother and step sister and I love them dearly but I really don't have time in the morning to pick them up and take them to school and pick them up. It irks me even more than when asked about a babysitter he claims he doesn't have money yet he just bought a new 1500 dollar computer when they have...wait for it...wait for it...5 already. He always makes me feel like Im not doing enough. I do offer to come over in the evenings and help clean and make dinner and do what I can, but I have let him take advantage of me before and I won't do it again. AKA picking his kids up, taking them to school and waiting for him to get home all for yeah...6 bucks an hour and negotiating gas money at 5:30 in the morning. I was driving 46 miles to do all that for him after arguing he agreed to pay me 10 . I just don't want to be taken advantage of, I am I wrong for offering to help but not fully dropping my life just because he can't pay for a sitter or nanny for some extra help?
Re: Helping with babysitting?
You seem to have a good handle on the situation. They can afford help without you. Let them.
A big part of your problem is that you want them/him to give you permission to not be a doormat. As long as you serve a need, they are not going to let you off the hook. You need to let yourself off the hook yourself.
Thank you. I think you hit the nail on the head. I want to help but it seems like if people don't help my step dad in every single way possible they are "worthless" or too self centered when he never takes the time to say well maybe I should hire a sitter instead of depend on everyone to just save a couple bucks...
The two step kids are my moms step children (wasn't sure if that was clear). Although they are married I still feel like they should be my step fathers MAIN priority and not hers or ours. As I said I don't mind helping but he makes people go overboard and doesn't even seem thankful. I know they need me but was mostly asking is it wrong to help in different ways but I can't over-do myself with these kids every morning. I guess just looking for second opinion?
OMG. Your stepdad has an evil twin in my niece's dad.
He and his new wife have a 3rd litter together and he's always trying to make caring for them a condition of his acceptance of my niece (from his 2nd litter). She lives 50 miles away and is supposed to drop what she's doing to play big sister/baby sitter. She's 32; they're 3 and 5. The 5 has behavior issues related to prenatal drug exposure (he's adopted) and the 3 year old has autism. So yeah, they're a handful.
I think for my ex-BIL, aside from being cheap, it's about trying to force a bond between kids where none logically would exist.He has a fantasy of one big happy family. He hasn't seen his oldest son since 2003 and his younger DD only sees him when she wants something.
weirdly enough my step brothers are a lot younger as well.. 4 and 5 and one is seen by a doctor for odd anger issues that a 5 year old shouldn't have. I picked him up one day and teacher gave me a note saying that he "licks students and doesn't get along with others and throws things" My step father laughed. The 4 year old me and my mom are sure he is autistic..he is loving and sweet but just not all right there. Sadly both parents don't seem to do anything about it...THUS making it hard for the person caring for them.
The whole situation is just weird. My step father also sees us as a big happy fam yet he never treated us the same. When I lived there I had to work, go to school full time and they thought of charging me rent..I came home to a forclosure notice on the door..I laughed he wanted me to pay rent yet he wasn't paying his bills.
Also charges my brother 800 a month to live there and makes him watch the little ones. All for 5 dollars an hour but after 5 hours he only gets 25 dollars..
But hey we are all one big happy fam.. May I add his daughter gets to live there for free and everything paid even when she wanted to go to camp. She won't get her license to drive yet expect everyone to drive her around..its a joke...
Just tell your stepdad that your priority is helping your mom right now, and you want to focus your extra time on visiting her (or cooking for her or cleaning for her). OR you can say "sorry, I won't be able to make help with pickups (or watching the little ones)." Say it like you truly are sorry, but don't give any explanation. If you are really pressed, say "I have other responsibilities that I need to take care of."
Your Stepdad is a user and sounds lazy as well. Stop worrying what he thinks of you. Taking care of HIS children is NOT your job.
I would also add - - I would not accept payment from him. If you are getting paid, he thinks you are "even" for $6 an hour. Where I live, that is not a going sitters rate, but it is enough for him to think that you are doing a job. If you want to help, help, but do it as a favor. If your Stepdad had before school care that he had to pay for it would be over $100 per week (and that's only for before school care and busing).