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Step-parent question....please help
So I never post here, read here sometimes....and i need advice.....
My husband and I have 4 children, 3 are mine and 1 is his. In all matters of our house they are OUR children....never separated as his and mine, always ours. However, over the last 2 1/2 years I have repeatedly noticed a lack of development in my husbands son. Originally I sluffed it off as age and a new environment. I'm aware that it takes children time to adjust to their new surroundings. He is now 5 years old and I can't help but confront that something is developmentally delayed. My husband, on the other hand, as well as the childs mother continuously deny, make excuses or just flat ignore. Where do I stand in all of this? What is my purpose? I just don't know. My step-son struggles with day to day tasks that I feel like he should have already accomplished. He can not dress himself, and when he "tries" he has breakdowns (or has anxiety attacks), he can not put on socks or shoes, he rarely speaks and when he does it's 3-4 word sentences that may or may not be understandable, he does not play well with the other children-mostly it seems as if he has no idea what's going on (and I mean very simple things like coloring, video games, playing with action figures or cars etc.), he often stands against the wall staring into space, when we sit down to eat it usually takes him more than an hour to finish his food, he has terrible separation anxiety (from his dad) which can throw him into melt down mode, when asked questions he generally does not have a proper response but instead answers off subject, his sense of focus is non-existant. Many of these issues (and more) I have tried to sincerely bring up to DH. And at times he sees a problem and at other times it's like he is in full blown denial mode. I really don't believe that we are doing my step-son any favors by ignoring the signs that something could be wrong. But, I am also tired of being seen as the "bad guy". What do I do? This is putting a serious strain on my marriage. I have tried to say things and do things as cautiously and nicely as possible, because lets face it, it's hard to hear these types of things about our children. I understand this but, I also know that if the little guy needs help then we (as a family) need to know and be educated. Whether sever or not....I just want to help but I've tried and am hitting a wall......
Re: Step-parent question....please help
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
That is what I would suggest. Your DH needs to hear someone else agreeing with you. No one wants to believe that there is something going on with their child, especially if there are excuses (moving, etc.) Take the child to the doctor, with a list of written observations (perhaps over the week prior to the appointment), and have the doctor or nurse pay attention to his behavior more than anything else. Is he in school? His teachers should DEFINTELY notice these things, especially in a young child. You could also take him to a child psychologist if nothing else works.
EDIT:
Make another appointment and DRAG your DH to it. This is his child, he should be willing to hear someone say the kid is fine, since he thinks he is right.
Can I ask - how much are you pushing back when your DH says to cancel it? I would implore him to "humor" me - let's go, see the doctor. Maybe the doctor will tell YOU that nothing is wrong (even though hopefully this won't be the case...) and if so, then you'll drop it.
And I agree- is he in preschool? If so, have you talked to his teachers?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Then can't you agree on something like "ruling out" a delay. Sure, he has a feeling - wouldn't he like it validated?
Getting the child assessed won't cause a developmental delay, but if one is identified, it would put you on the right path to overcome it.
Frankly, it boils down to this - you don't want him to be anything but perfectly on track, too. Just becuase you are willing to have a doctor or team evaluate him, doesn't make you mean.
He is in daycare.
I failed to mention that he lives with his mother, so some things (such as daycare) I do not have much involvement with. I am unsure how his daycare views or handles his behavior.
I think the DRAGGING DH to the Doc is the perfect way to go. Possibly just make the appt a positive "hey lets just double check" instead of "lets find out what's WRONG".....good advice! thank you
I pushed back some, however, the situation is extremely tense and my DH becomes so defensive (which I can understand, although I don't agree).....I think the "humor me" approach is a great idea, or the "let's just check" approach.....I think I will attempt this asap.....
Two things come to mind:
One is that you need to tell your H you are either "all in" or "all out" when it comes to SS. Meaning that if you are being asked to care about him, you can't stand back and let him go without medical attention if that is what he needs. It's not fair for you to care about his child and then to have to wash your hands when you think there is something to be done.
Second - - remind your H that if there IS a problem with your SS, if he gets EARLY INTERVENTION he will be able to accomplish SO MUCH MORE, and SOONER! The longer you wait, the more noticeable it will be that he is "different." - - and kids get mean as early as 2nd grade
You might try posting on the blended familes board on the bump. Or special needs. Special needs won't try to diagnose your SS, but they can offer tips with dealing with denial.
Hi. I am the forum moderator for an internation support, information and advocacy groups associated with higher functioning forms of autism. I also moderate the Bump's SN Board.
I get some version of this post on a regular basis- a mother, stepmom or relative who sees huge red flags related to a child's behavior and development and is concerned by the child's parents' inability to be proactive on the child's behalf. I get a lot of email traffic just after school breaks when these kids spend more time visiting. This morning I had a similar post made by a mom on the SN board whose husband/son's father is also cruising the iconic river in Egypt; she too doesn't want to disrespect her husband as a father and damage their relationship. She's in a very uncomfortable place but fortunately her son's school is doing a lot for him on an informal basis.
You don't. Stand anywhere. It's unfortunate because you sound like a smart and compassionate woman.
Because of the nature of your specific situation- a loving dad in denial and a mom who explains away his differences with one excuse after another- he's an only, he's used to me doing it for him, boys are slower, ad nauseum- your hands are tied. The good news is that he is about to enter school where his delays will be obvious. A decent school will start the process of gently removing the parents' heads from the tails of their alimentary canals through a series of commincations and conferences where his delays will be discussed. Public schools are mandated to identify and serve children with special educational needs. This is the safety net that you can't be in this situation.
This isn't going to be easy for your DH, so your role will be to buck him up by reminding him that support and services can make a huge difference and that his son is still a terrific kid whatever his dx. You might want to find out who the go-to developmental pediatrician in your area is, so you can set up an appointment- this is out the of realm of a PCP pedi.
You describe a lot of behaviors that are consistent with autism. I'm surprised his DCP hasn't suggested an evaluation. Or perhaps mom isn't sharing that. A decent kindie teacher will know he's struggling pretty quickly.
I'm really sorry you are stuck in this situation. Dads react differently than moms to news of a child's differences. Especially around little boys; for some reason men are programmed to protect their DDs and often take on the advocate roll for their autistic DDs with real gusto. I think this is sometimes a reaction to guilt in cases where the son is very like his own dad as a young child. Often this stuff runs in families.