Family Matters
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Inviting my cousin to live with us? (kinda long)
Background- My cousin's 23 and she just told our family that she's pregnant. She currently lives on the west coast (We're on the east coast) and she's moving back to the east.
Would it be wrong if I called and asked if she wanted to come visit/move in? I haven't seen her in a while but I feel like she's all alone and needs somewhere to stay with people she knows.
Her BF broke up with her when he found out she was pregnant.
Thoughts on all of this? TIA.
Re: Inviting my cousin to live with us? (kinda long)
Big difference between a visit and move in and both sound like a bad idea. You haven't seen her in a while you have no idea what kind of person she is or the situation with her BF. Does she have parents? It is nice that you want to help her, but taking someone in your home without a plan is a recipe for disaster.
How long would she stay? How would she support herself? House rules? Privacy issues? You say 'we' so does that mean you have a DH?
My gut reaction is "this is a really bad idea". I don't think it's ever good for a husband and wife to have a roommate. Then to have that roommate be your family AND add a baby to that, then I think it's a reeeeeeeeally bad idea.
But, I get that she's your cousin and you want to help her which is commendable.
If you choose to, then you and your husband need to figure out NOW how much you're willing to help. Set the terms before you even approach your cousin. Write those terms out, how long is she allowed to stay? Is she to pay rent? What about food/utilities/sharing of house resources? What about vehicles? Will she have her own? If not, how will she get around? Is she to look for a job while staying with you?
What are the house rules? Write those out too. Is she allowed to have boyfriends stay the night? Is she expected to check in with you if she's not coming home that evening?
It's really easy to move people in. It's a HELLISH NIGHTMARE getting them out.
Good luck. This isn't an easy decision. (and the above is only basic questions that came to me while writing a response. I'm sure there are more)
Sure. Can her boyfriend visit, sleep over? Does she pay rent? Groceries? Does she clean? Does she have privacy in her room? The baby's room? What if it's filthy? What if she says your kitchen is filthy and wants you to clean? Will she be working? Have child care? Where, how will she transport the child?
You need a better plan than a pregant woman moving in.
You need a real plan for a real person moving-in. It may make sense for you to take-in a new-mom roommate. But set clear expectations and responsibilities. Set-up an income expectation. Expectations for the baby. Short and long term.
You can be a resource. Just be clear about what kind of resource you can and can't be.
Colossally bad idea.
You don't know anything about how she is to live with. At all. She could be a liar, thief, drug user, gang member. Or friends with people who are. Or she could just be really lousy with money, unable to budget properly, unable to keep up with her bills. What will you do if she moves in and at five or six or eight months along, or when she has a two month old, can't pay the rent/utilities/anything toward food? Are you going to support her financially through her pregnancy? Afterwards?
What if she has no insurance? Or loses it? What if she lies about where she's living or with whom, in order to get welfare assistance? Are you going to back her up in those lies? Are you prepared for family fallout if you take her in and then have to throw her out? Are you prepared to babysit for her kid? Are you prepared for a screaming baby in the house? ARe you prepared to cover diaper and formula costs if she has no job after the baby is born?
What does your dh say about all this?
Why is she moving away from the West Coast? Did she move there for her boyfriend? If her family / friends are there, she is just picking up and leaving her support system. That doesn't mean that you and H have to volunteer to be an instant support system on the coast that she moves to. If she needed support, she can stay with her friends / parents.
The only way I would let her stay is if she has already secured a job (like a transfer) and just needed a temporary place to stay while she looked for apts.
Your cousin is in an unfortunate situation, but I agree with PPs that it is a bad, bad idea. There are too many variables here and I feel like I have never heard of one of these situations (family moves in) that ends well.
What about offering to help her get assistance and find a place to live and/or a job. If you want to let her stay at first, make sure that it is clear that it is only until she can find a place to live.
Are you the only family on the east coast? Honestly- you dont' seem to know very much about her/ her situation. She's moving "back" - tells me there is otehr family. Do you know what her exact plan is? Why do you assume she needs a place to stay?
And a big fat "ditto" to what everyone else said. There are a TON of factors/questions that I dont' think you've thought about. At all. You seem to be going into this very blind. Not a good idea.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It's kind of you to want to help her out, but you're probably going to regret it if she winds up moving in with you.
Plus, you don't even know for a fact what kind of situation she's in right now, and what she needs. You don't know if anyone's already offered to help her or if she has a job/savings to support herself.
And just taking care of her is going to do her no favors. If she's going to be bringing a person into this world, then she has to learn how to be responsible for herself and that person. I'm not saying that everyone should just ignore her, but it'd be more beneficial for her if she learns how to get and maintain her own place to live, rather than just moving in with someone and letting them take care of her and her baby.
If you want to help her out a bit, that's fine. Invite her over to dinner or take her out once in a while, or bring her some meals. Buy her some baby items, host a little shower for her, offer to babysit once in a while. Help her with her resume. If you're going to give her money for anything, make it 100% clear whether it's a gift or it's a loan that you expect to be paid back (although I would never loan someone money that you absolutely need to have back, personally ... I would loan it out with the expectation that you probably won't get some/all of it back).
I would also suggest that she get in touch with a lawyer and find out what kind of child support she's entitled to from the baby's father.